A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For my bday my boyfriend (29 years old) got me Chanel No.5 perfume (kind of strange to me as I was turning 24 and I know this is a much more "mature" perfume). The problem isn't so much with my preference though, my problem is more with how he went about it: He asked some of HIS female friends (friends that don't really know me on that level and are just random acquaintances to me for the most part) and then he ordered the perfume they suggested. He didn't go online and read any reviews from people who have it, he didn't even go smell it, he just ordered it online because they said it's a classic. Then as an after thought, he asked my sister about it and of course she told him I probably wouldn't like it and he probably wouldn't either if he's ever smelled it. I am really confused how one can buy a perfume for someone they supposedly care about without even looking into it at all. He's been in many long term relationships before so it's not like he's new to all this at all. My last bday was a disaster (I got a present but it seems he didn't have anything special planned for the day aside from waking up at the usual time and making me a big breakfast) and I told him then if he doesn't come through for the next one, I may seriously have to reconsider if he understands me at all. I feel like when I buy present for loved ones, I really try to figure out what they want/need/desire and then I do my best to get it. I put time and effort and thought into the process. It seems to him it's a chore. He didn't even send me a card (we're not in the same place right now so even a free e-card would have made me happy) I don't understand. I suggested that we take some time off because this is the kind of thing that I really don't fathom at all. I don't want anyone to think this is about materialism because it's not at all. I would have been thrilled to get something half the price (or even a heartfelt free handmade gift) but with more thought and effort into it (talk to my friends, check with my sister, damn just even go to the store and smell the perfume yourself before you order it). I have no doubt he loves me and has shown that in other ways but I just don't understand these lapses in judgement, to me it seems like common sense. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I get where your coming from, and you have stated its not the amount but the fact he didn't check with people close to you.. Your sister ( whom he did check with far to late though) or your mum or even ask you for hints ..My hubby is absolutely terrible at gift giving, my sister hubby even more so.. He told her ' darling don't wait on me getting you a crappy gift, let me know what you want' I did have to hee though.So my sis cuts out a picture of this bracelet she after, she photocopy's it and puts it on the fridge, the cupboards everywhere she thinks he will view it?! She happy problem solved she thinks to herself smugly ..So it's the day of her bday and she ever so excited and he's got her ... Not the bracelet but drill as their doing home repairs . Lol lol if only I could have been a fly on the wall. Haha she was most unimpressed and she goes around going didn't you notice these, pointing at the pictures .. Bewildered he looks at them shakes his head .. Even the obvious was in obvious ..Be kind but subtle, tell him you appreciate the gift .. But it would have been more exciting if you could get me something I truly like, ( no point in being dis truthfully, your sister already said you don't like it) then next year give him ten things to pick from dont have to be expensive gifts as you say just something you would like .. In future, tell him don't be silly check with your sis if he loses the list .. Lol Take care and you sound like a nice girl, and big congratulation on your birthday . X
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (10 August 2013):
I think I agree with the majority idea that he is indeed a crappy gift giver and well that is something you just have to understand. You seem to have a lot of silent high expectations so it would be better to try to train him to be better at these things since you do claim to be an amazing gift giver.
Or well maybe he really is lazy and doesn't care at all for you and the rest of your relationship is bs. You should just dump him then and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for the advise. since this is one of his few faults, i've decided to stick it out and change my approach to holidays and presents. for upcoming events, i will be clearly telling him what i want or asking for his budget so i can pick something and then let him know about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): There is the possibility that he couldn't and didn't buy you something personal to you as he doesn't know who 'you' are!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies everyone. I realize I sound a little bratty but I'm not complaining about the price not being high enough or anything like that. I have already thought about just telling him what I want for next time (he didn't ask me and I really did trust his judgement, but not anymore). Or if he insists on getting me something, I'll just ask for gift cards or just take me to the place to get it. I think it's a damn shame to have to plan out your own special event and I would hope that my partner would at least know me well enough to figure it out or if not take the time to talk to my best friends and family members who do in fact know exactly what I want. Our anniversary is coming up and Christmas too so let's see how that turns out. I don't think women are horribly complicated and we are very good at expressing what we want. It's just a matter of are they listening and trying.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 August 2013):
 If he's a crappy gift giver, he probably just panicked and was decided that if he couldn't be thoughtful, it's equally good to throw a bunch of money at it and hope it's good.
It seems obvious to you how to be thoughtful with a gift because obviously you are a good gift giver, but for someone who isn't, that sort of thing doesn't even cross his mind. He doesn't think about who to ask or how to translate what you like into new items, he just uses something expensive to compensate.
My boyfriend is a terrible gift giver, so now he will pick a category (like a hat or something), give me a price range, and tell me to pick it and he buys it. Problem solved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Intrigued3000, forgive me for saying this but you seem to not have understood a single thing that I wrote. You say that I don't appreciate his sincerity behind the gift when in fact he never has even smelled the perfume! How is that sincere? He had no clue if I would like it or even if he would like it on me. He literally asked some friends and didn't even bother to check the internet for actual owner's opinions. I see that as the opposite of sincere, I see that as lazy. And no darling, don't presume to know me. I would not be happy with a sugar daddy either because it would be the same problem, expensive gifts that pretty much everyone woman would love do not mean anything to me. Going with an expensive classic to me is not very personal. I don't care about the money involved (clearly because Chanel No.5, I know is pricey but it means nothing to me, therefore, not impressed) as i said, i would be happy with a small, inexpensive gift that means something to me.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 You sound like a high maintenance chick to me. You did not even appreciate the effort he put into cooking you a big breakfast last year. Chanel No. 5 is a classic perfume, and it's not cheap either. It seems like the sincerity behind the act of gift giving is not important to you. I'm sure if a high rolling sugar daddy came your way and showered you with diamonds and flowers and those special cards that his secretary chooses for you, you'd be more impressed. Meanwhile Mr. sugar daddy is probably banging other young ladies like yourself who is only impressed with the aesthetic value of love.
You don't love your boyfriend. You love the idea of a boyfriend and you love the idea of love. You have no idea what love is.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Girlfriend, some people are just crappy gift givers.
So he's not the most creative guy, so he's not terribly heartfelt-thougtful. But it's not as if he didn't do ANYTHING for your birthday, this year or last. He did put some effort into things - he went out of his way to talk to some people and get some opinions, he ordered it and sent it off to you. Chanel No.5, it is a more mature perfume, but it is a fairly expensive one. And it is popular. And, to be fair, you guys are separated, so it makes sense that he would order it instead of going to the store.
Your expectations are pretty high. You seem pretty high maintenance. I don't know how long you and this guy have been dating, but if you know that he's not great at giving you the celebration that you want, why haven't you taken to planning your own day a bit more? Say that you'd like to go out to dinner, and have him pick the place. Or, you'd like to go out of town for the weekend, and ask him to arrange it. You can not expect him to read your mind and meet these expectations that he's not been told that you have.
He didn't forget your birthday, and it's not as if he did nothing for your birthday. According to you, he just didn't do enough. I think that you're not being incredibly fair here, and perhaps it's time for you to take a new perspective.
Happy birthday, and best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): I'm with Llifton on this one. Do you realise how ungrateful you sound? He obviously went to the trouble of getting advice. It's not like he's woke the day before your birthday and thought to himself 'oh God it's her birhday tomorrow, I better get something quick.' Most men (no offence) are awful at buying presents. So what? Never heard of the line it is thought that counts? Do you know what my boyfriend's first present to me was? A knife! (Admittedly it was a good make) just so I could sharpen my charcoal. And my dad, gosh don't even get me started. He buys my mum and myself the most funniest christmas presents, so much so we now have this tradition at christmas where we now buy each other a joke christmas present. But the thing is my dad thinks they are the best presents ever and he puts so much thought into it and that is all that matters. You should be a bit more grateful!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): my bf is the same! he bought me awful perfume that he hadn't sampled for my last birthday and a fridge magnet this year! he knows he gets it wrong, and he does try his best. he's the same with his family. so you&i have a choice to make: 1. stay with the guy, accept he is not good at choosing gifts or showing he cares by what he chooses, but that he's trying. accept this is who he is. accept that if you want certain treats in life, you'll provide them for yourself. decide the other parts of him outweigh this 'fault'. lower your expectations&be grateful for any gift. realise how you show you care via carefully chosen gifts&cards is never going to be reciprocated by this man, not because he doesn't love you but because it's a skill he just does not have. OR: 2.decide that this 'fault' means he doesn't know you, can't be bothered to make an effort to get it right, and will disappoint you every time. decide you want to be with a guy who gets it right, makes you feel special, makes an effort to get to know your gift likes&dislikes, and reciprocates as you'd want him to.
not an easy decision!
i'm going for option 1, and my bf has actually asked me to compile a gift wishlist in future to help him...
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (10 August 2013):
 not gonna lie. you sound a bit like a brat. i get that you're trying to say he doesn't know you and isn't taking the time to figure you out or whatever. but some people are just bad gift givers. who cares?
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