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41-50,
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writes: Hi,I'm writing this questions as my confidence in having any proper relationship is pretty low. I am wondering where I am going wrong. I'm starting to wonder if there's something fundamentally wrong with me.I'm 34 and never have had a "proper relationship" in the way as I would define it. For me, it's when you have known someone for while or dated, met their family and friends and the two of you are known as an item.My "love life" if you can call it that, has been 17 years of one-night stands, flings and a couple of "sex buddies". So I haven't exactly been an angel. Throughout my late teens and twenties it was easy to attract girls as they would just come over and start talking to me. I am fortunate in that respect. There have been lots of opportunities I could have had a relationship, but I suppose I used to have a commitment worry. For the past five years, I am ready to have a serious relationship, but it never gets anywhere.I am really fussy, but any potential relationship starts and finishes in the same way. Meet, go on a date, they think I am amazing and the best thing ever, even sending me emails or letters saying how much they like me. I reciprocate because I really like them too. Everything seems amazing, and then without any warning they go all cold on me and a few days later the infamous text arrives of "I think I'll like to be just friends". No one has ever told me why. I even asked once or twice, but I never get an answer.The girls I have had flings or been "sex buddies" with are those who had enough of any serious relationships and just wanted a casual fling. They are amazed why I don't have a girlfriend as they say I'm really attractive, have an excellent job, very good in bed, can have a good conversation and I'm a good listener.My friends in relationships are jealous of me at times because of all the girls I seem to meet, but in truth I am jealous of them because I just think how lucky they are to meet someone and love one another and have something meaningful. Mine is just sex.Any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Queenadelaide. That has helped me a lot. I will take the advice on board for next time :-)
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female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (12 August 2013):
Also, if you want to take a leap of faith, read Dale Carnegie's 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' specifically the Chapter(s) on Six Ways to Make People Like You.
It's all common sense stuff but sometimes having the commonsensical spelled out results in a eureka moment :-)
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female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (12 August 2013):
Right, this is probably not the answer you want to hear - but it sounds like you're doing everything right!The only thing I would say is maybe instead of saying you hope they might be the one you spend the rest of your life with, say something like 'with the way things are going, I could definitely get used to seeing you everyday' or something like that. The former seems a bit premature given the fact that you've only had a few dates. The latter conveys that you are seriously thinking about long-term but not so desperate that you'll promise forever before getting to know each other properly. 'What are girls expecting to hear, behaviours they expect to see at this point?'My response is be interested and be interesting.- They want to feel that you are interested in them, their daily lives, feelings, hobbies and interests. You show interest by asking about her day's activities and remembering the things that she has told you. For example, if she usually has yoga class on Wednesdays, when you text her on wednesday afternoon instead of making a general enquiry about how she is, make it specific and ask if she's looking forward to yoga this evening. If she previously mentioned that she's working on a specific project at work, text her the evening before the deadline and ask if she's happy with the project's progress and then suggest a date to help her relax after the project has been signed off. If you know that she likes a particular TV show, make casual allusions to the characters that she's always talking about. - Conversely, you yourself have to be interesting. It would end up being a superficial conversation if she felt like there wasn't much to learn about you. Do you have hobbies and interests that you are passionate about? Do you talk about your friends, family, work etc? During the dates, it's great that you're honest. But if they do ask about your last relationship - make sure you explain that you were focused on your career and were not ready for a serious commitment then. Emphasise that you are ready now and mention how you admire what your long term coupled friends have.After the dates, compliment not just her looks but something about the conversation that stuck in your mind - that joke she shared or something she mentioned that you had in common or something that you've both always wanted to do.As for the sex...Some people might disagree but I don't think it can ruin a good connection. It might create a false positive, or false sense of real connection - but it will never ruin a good chemistry. So if you do get sexual just make sure you still get to know each other outside the bedroom. For what it's worth, my partner and I got in there very early on and it did not detract at all from the relationship. If you feel like all the advice you are getting is irrelevant and you're already doing all these things, then all you need to do is be patient. There are so many different personalities that you will find someone that you connect with.I was also perfectly serious when I suggested casting the net wider in terms of where you're looking. To pick an arbitrary example, you might find that a woman with a different culture will find you exotic and more exciting and thus more likely to stick around long enough to get to know you than girl next door for whom you're very similar to the last 15 guys she's dated. I'm not suggesting you jet off to search for a bride abroad, but being in a multicultural relationship myself - I know for a fact that our differences are part of what attracts us to each other. Good luck in love, you sound like a nice guy :-)
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 August 2013):
 There is a stereotype that if a man is not married by 35, he will never want marriage because he is too fussy and hard to compromise. Having no relationship experience is considered a red flag. It's not always a mistake to sleep at the first date but maybe you got them horny and they have the curiosity to see what you feel like.
When people look for a mate they want to know that he/she could handle stress, boredom, routine, children and dry spells. A person who is used to instant gratification does not give an impression that he would enjoy a long term arrangement.
You could say men and women have bad timing. You could have led a woman on and make her fall in love with you, then break her heart and end with "Sorry I am confused about myself, what I want. It's not you it's me." So you actually saved a lot of heartaches by never having a proper relationship.
Perhaps you want a relationship just to feel normal, to feel recognized but maybe relationships aren't really for you. Have you thought about that?
I am sure if you lied about having a proper relationship then you would be judged and relationships should not be based on lies. You have a dilemma. Women want men to have experience not just in sex but in relationships too. It is like the job market without experience you don't get a job. Without a job you have no experience.
Nature has a cruel way of pairing women and men. It doesn't wait. Women find it hard to wait for the perfect guy and gets anxious by 35. Men finally want to settle down but it's too late when women judge them for not having had girlfriends. As we get to our 30's, 40's, we can't afford more trial and errors. It has to feel right, zero doubt or none at all.
You could try saying, "Yes, I never had a girlfriend but I believe my xxx qualities make me a good husband." Someone's got to give you a chance. If all else fails you could try finding ladies that would look pass these issues. Like foreign professional women. In western cultures we are the ones who talk about relationships and analyze them the most.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks queenadelaide.
I tend to end up meeting girls who are lawyers, doctors, teachers, etc.
For a first date I normally choose a quiet bar, and limit myself to a couple of drinks. I always open the door for them, genuinely compliment their look and buy the drinks. I don't talk about past relationships and nothing negative. I tend to keep it light and upbeat and ask them questions, trying to put a bit of humour in if I can. If they ask me personal questions, I will answer them. I won't lie. I don't see the point. But very rarely has anyone asked me personal things. I normally end with a kiss on the cheek. It has always led to a 2nd date with those I really like.
After the first date I text them to ask if they got home safely and thank them for a pleasant evening. I'll usually compliment them again on how they look.
The next day I will ring or text to ask if they want to see me again. A lot of the time they reply to my text though and ask.
The 2nd date is much like the first, but maybe a restaurant. I will pay. This time, they may have asked questions such as "when was your last relationship", "how long was it", etc. Some are surprised when I tell them and maybe it sticks in the back of their mind, but they don't seem that bothered at the time. 2nd date ends much the same way as the first.
Usually after the 2nd, they will send me an email or long txt saying how lovely they think I am, and they can't wait to call me their boyfriend, etc. If I've gone on a second date, I will like the person a lot also and so will reciprocate this. Maybe I can go a bit too far?? I don't know.
Then the 3rd date maybe something a little different like a day out somewhere. The questions get a bit deeper, but I'll answer.
Usually after that they want me to visit around at their place, that ends up sleeping with them. They will text me lots the next days/weeks. But it is at this stage things go wrong for me! If the texts are a bit flirty, I'll reply flirty, if they are about what I am after, I'll say. Such as I hope they are the girl I can eventually settle with (if they've hinted at that).
But this is the point it goes cool for me. What are girls expecting to hear, behaviours they expect to see at this point?
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female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (11 August 2013):
Don't forget OP, that you will meet many women who won't want to be with you. That's just normal, that you're not 'the one' for many women just like many women are not 'the one' for you.
It's almost a numbers game. Meet as many people as you can, in the right pool ie. ready to settle to maximise your strike rate. As I said in my earlier post, I sense a lack of resilience on your part because this is the first time you've had to actively look for a longterm commitment. With all the attention you got, you assumed a longterm relation will be waiting for you as soon as you were ready. Sadly, that's not usually the case. It's normal to date many people before finding someone you can be serious with.
There's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. Trust me, there are real jerks who have lovely girlfriends and you wonder how that's possible.
You know you have no difficulty attracting women, so that's not the problem. You know that after you spend a little time with them, they lose interest. That is where you need to fine tune. Either you are spending time with women that are not looking for the same thing or something about your approach / personality / lifestyle puts them off.
To help me help you, could you answer a few questions;
What sort of dates do you go on? dinner? clubbing? etc.
Where do you meet and what sort of women do you tend to ask out?
How do you end the first date?
Do you initiate communication after the first date? How long do you leave it before you do?
How open are you on the first few dates?
Do you tend to get second dates?
What do you usually talk about in your first few dates?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 August 2013):
 Maybe you still have a commitment problem and send out the wrong signals? You have probably learned to send out the "uninterested" body signal because for so many years you weren't going for a relationship. It can be hard to notice and hard to change, but I think you're still on that pattern without realizing it. You need to change your approach, change how you talk to women, change how you present yourself. You need to practice, really, until you get the hang of it and end up in a solid relationship.
So, try different approaches and different types of girls. I'm thinking maybe you keep going for the girls who want just flings, because you're used to going for that type of girls. Your relationships now are the same as they were back when you didn't want relationships: short term. So, something needs to change, be that the way you speak, the way you approach women, the type of women you approach, the way you "smooth talk", the mentality etc.
Bring a girl home to meet your parents not too long after you start dating them, for example. See if that makes them take you more seriously. Or have the discussion early on about what you want in life, where you want to see a relationship going (marriage and kids or not). You need them to take you seriously and see you as a potential long term boyfriend. Right now I'm thinking you're still playing the role of "uninterested and only want short term".
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's one other thing. Anyone who has decided they don't want to see me anymore always wants to be friends. Even sometimes asking to go out for a drink or something even though we are supposedly friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies.No, I never comment about other women's "assets" or see them purely as a sexual object. I'm not a loud, brash type, I'm quietly confident by nature. One person I did like quite a while ago dumped me for not going back to hers and having sex. I didn't at the time because I just thought I'd like to get to know them and not make it all about sex. The most recent person who no longer wants to see me actually gave me an answer today, she said she's seeing someone a lot older than me, it's what she needs. I guess she thought I was a bit of player, but I've never spoken about past relationships. I can't see why if you are attractive to girls, they immediately assume you are a player. I asked her one day if anything bothers you, just talk to me. It looks as though she had fears and just let them snowball in her own mind.
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female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (10 August 2013):
Ask your mates and their girlfriends to set you up with their female friends who are looking to settle down. That way, you're looking in the right pool. Also, when it doesn't work out, your friends' female partners can probably tell you why the girl said no or went cold turkey. That way you get feedback.I disagree that being good at sex is intimidating. Being good at sex is always a good thing. After 17 years of casual encounters, you probably are probably used to habits that belong to a single person who's not ready to commit. You will have to learn how to focus your complete attention on one woman and express it to her. In casual encounters, you don't have to make an effort emotionally, you can openly look at other attractive women, you don't have to rush to text back if your sex buddy contacts you. You don't have to compliment them on things other than their looks. You don't have to admire someone as anything other f***able. You don't have to entertain them with your personality because who cares if you're arrogant and or boring? As long as you're good in bed and attractive. You don't have to make a concerted effort to learn about their likes, dislikes and their quirks or share their innermost feelings. I'm not saying this is what you're like. I'm saying look at yourself and your behaviours. You might have moved on from casual mode to wanting commitment but you haven't adjusted your approach accordingly.I'm no Freud, but I can hazard an opinion about your personality from what's implied in your language.Attracting girls has always been effortless for you and you've been showered with praises and attention. You've also been very successful professionally so ofcourse when you want to happen it will just happen right? I sense that you're used to success and you're out of your depth because you are experiencing for the first time, the jungle that most people face before they meet a good match. Most people faced this jungle in their late teens / early 20s so at 30, a good number of them have found someone. Do you see how it didn't happen over night for most people? It is frustrating, but don't get disheartened, you started your search later than other people so it makes sense that they got to the finish line before. But don't lose hope. -Ask for advice from sisters and your mates' girlfriends. They know you enough and care enough to give you tips. -Stay positive - I know it's hard when you're having little luck but desperation and depression won't increase your chances. - Consider someone completely different from your usual 'type'. You say you are fussy, so maybe you are already sending signals to the women that you have a precise idea of what you want them to be like. Widen your net to date people who are completely different from what you have in mind, you might find that you'll relax a lot more if you're not trying to make them tick every item on your checklist. You'll be forced to focus on other qualities that you hadn't considered. If you like skinny, go for chubby as well. If you like short, try tall. If you like perfectionist, go for hippie. If you've only ever dated your own race, try someone exotic. - You also sound self-absorbed (not to be offensive; it's normal if it's been all about yourself for the last 17 years) On dates, shift the focus to finding out about her and what makes her tick. Ask lots of questions and follow up with responses. Don't ask a question and upon her answering, relate what she's just said to something that's happened to you in the past. Obviously there are situations where it's relevant and funny that you have to share, but just make sure you're not unconsciously only talking about yourself.- suggest dates that take the pressure off you. For example, if you're not a words person, suggest dates that are activity based and involve little one on one talking but spending time together nevertheless. So maybe attend parties together or comedy nights or something. You both warm up, relax, and get to know each other through actions. - Try not to talk about your colourful past until she's got to know you well enough that she knows you're at a different stage in your life now. You sure as hell want to avoid referring to how all your friends and sex buddies wonder why you're still single since you're so amazing. It might unintentionally come off as you being arrogant. If it does come up, don't lie, just make sure you qualify it by explaining that the reality is very different. You are really looking for someone to share your life with. - Be more proactive. So far, you've gotten by on looks. Now you need to back it up with commitment. It'll be new to you, but wear your heart on your sleeve. If you can't stop thinking about her tell her that. If you can't wait to see her, tell her. She needs to be clear about your level of interest. - If you have nieces and nephews, spend time with them. Even if it's once in a blue moon. But it will casually come up how you took them to the theme park once and had a great time. There's definitely something sexy about a man who is nurturing and charitable. He screams security and sweetness. Substitute nieces and nephews with elderly family members or marathons for non profit organisations and you'll have the same effect. Obviously don't pretend to be who you're not, but let your life experiences show how you are a nice person.My food is burning so I'll have to stop here. Sorry for the long post :-( but if you have anymore questions please ask. I made a generic list of things you might want to try - no insult to you as a person intended. We are all of us imperfect but we each deserve a slice of happiness so I'd like to think there's someone out there who is the ying to your yang.Good luck, and don't give up xxx
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female
reader, madisonburger  +, writes (10 August 2013):
You just have to change your mindset. A proper relationship haven't come to your life because you have trapped inside your thoughts: "my relationship is just sex." I think you have to stop manipulating yourself and that woman. Be yourself and when you approach that woman, you can tell her that "I'm looking for a healthy relationship. I want to get to know you, I want you to learn about who I am so we can accept our goods and flaws." (or something better than that) Be alittle bit open about your intention and do not involve sex too soon even if you want it so bad! Sex in a relationship is one form of emotional extortion and usually makes the woman suffering and then soon she'll leave you without a certain reason. well, that's from my point of view... good luck :)
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 August 2013):
A lover and a husband require two separate traits. We have a tendency to put people into boxes, to make life simpler. Your profile may cause insecurity in women. Too often when you are good at sex people automatically assume you may not be loyal and therefore not husband material. People who are modest, humble, show emotional vulnerability often get picked as long term partners. They get married and then they complain the lack of sex or quality of sex. They had mistaken a patience for sex as a virtue when in fact it would be a low libido problem in the future.
I imagine if I downplay my sexuality to get a husband that would be phony of me and I would hate myself. A date would want to have sex as early as possible but if he wants a wife he wants her to wait, to work hard for it.
I used to think that a husband is the best combination of a good lover a good friend a good father. My dating experience had shown me that this is asking for too much. Most people can't handle different roles.
There is nothing wrong with you. God may have other plans for you. You are a late starter and you may have to wait till you get older when a woman feels more comfortable. I do think that being good at sex is intimidating.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2013): Yes, I met my husband at 25, he was almost 35. He barely had 2 proper relationships in his life. This is what I found to be his issues - perhaps there are some similarities
1. Looking at other women & making comments
2. A little bit of an ego & arrogant
3. Talking about sex with past partners!!
4. Women calling/hanging around
5. Telling me he likes big breasted latinas...hello, skinny white girl here!
Do you have any of these bad habits? Are you a bit bossy or talk only about yourself? Do you ask loads of questions, are you a perfect gentleman?
What about the women you attract? Are they the party types? Do they have careers and goals? Are they in a mature age range looking for a relationship (28+).
How about some counseling? That might help...or simply ask someone out on a 'therapy' date, where at the end of the night they can tell you what they honestly though.
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (10 August 2013):
 Well with me Im in this situation but honestly I don't want a serious relationship cause I was married for many years. It's no need to be jealous believe me you looking from the outside in and some relationships are not what they appear to be. In do time you will have a proper relationship. I have all the above flings one night stands marriage it's all overrated. My best relationship is with myself and those dead presidents money.
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