A
male
age
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*appy140
writes:I have been avoiding asking this but I am up to my bald spot with this! My wife car pools with a man, about her age, with no one else, just the two of them. Five days a week for 45 minutes to 1 hour 15 minutes EVERYDAY. They meet at our house, (everyday - his wife does not want him pooling with females so she thinks he drives alone). Three to five evenings (around 5pm) he spends appr. 15-30 minutes here. My wife kids herself by saying it is too bull crap with me - yes we do converse but I do not need to speak to him every darn day!) On days she comes home early he stays here until his NORMAL home arrival time. When we have my birthdays or fathers day or ANY FAMILY event she has him over, usually I find out about it AFTER the invitation or am standing there when she asks (no pre warning or asking if I mind). I feel he lives here. When we go camping with our horses she ask him to “stop by”, and he does most of the time (its apprx. 30 miles away). She talks to him EVERYDAY in person and or on the phone. She gives me the impression that she is emotionally in love with him; I have seen her glances at him when I am close by. They go off together on our property to smoke (we do not smoke in-house or around others). If he is here she wants him in the barn to feed the horses with her or be with her no matter what she is doing. I think that at one time they were friends with benefits; I say that because I think they both care about each other so much they wanted to do it just once. She tells me they have NEVER been intimate. They look like their in love as others see it. Everyone that is MY friend (I mean a lot closer to me than her) has asked me “whats up with those two, they have something going on”? I have brought him up approx. 20-30 times and it ALWAYS leads to “your exaggerating and insecure” or a major argument because I end up telling her I don’t think they need to be so close, it hurts me emotionally. It ends up the same way every time, “he is just a friend and I like him”. I have spent a lot of sleepless nights and crying over this and feel trapped in a threesome that I cannot get out of. I feel as if I have tried everything and am looking for a female’s perspective on my situation. If we were dating I would have left but after 30 years that’s far from an option. Is it that I am so insecure or that I love her too much, jealousy? Any advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): your wife is so disrespectful to you. she is selfish and her blatant disrespect is hurting you. can she not see how affected your are with her 'relationship' . you need to perhaps talk to a Pastor of your church and get someone to lsiten to you. your friend hit it on the head asking what is going on bet the two. i know that you love your wife but sometimes we need to love ourselves. in loving ourselves we need to take the first step and get rid of the perosn causing our heartache and tears.good luck, i know you are really hurting. please confide in someone who will help you out. you have suffered so much already. you need to tell his wife that he is always withyour wife. if need be you need to fight fire with fire. your wife is taking advantage of your good nature so start playing dirty if need be. 30 years and you need happiness. before it is too late. your wife is replacing him with you and you and his wife need to have a serious talk. your special days should be with close friends and family not this third person in you marriage.your wife is contaminating your lives with this man. time to put a stop to it.NOW!
A
male
reader, Stonemason +, writes (8 July 2010):
 First of all, I think you might consider that your wife feels she has you in an impossible position, given your gentle, understanding, and patient nature which is combined with your disabilty. She is treating you with complete contempt. My opinion is that she is sleeping with this man; at least she would, given a convenient opportunity.
So, you should realize that you are being rather cowardly--you are afraid to rock the boat--because of your disability. Your choice is, to be treated with contempt or live with honor.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): I wouldn't put up with this for 1 second, my friend. Why do you think his wife doesn't want him pooling with females? Because he'll be tempted? Probably not. Just because it's inappropriate. As for this camping, horses etc. What???? Wow! This is wrong, wrong, wrong. Get this idiot out of your lives.
The fact that this guy hides the situation from his wife says it all.
No married man or woman should spend alone time with the opposite sex. Just shouldn't. It's plain old inappropriate. Of course there are exceptions: work,charity groups, whatever
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): You need to speak up! This man is a total snake and though you may have disabilities you need to put your foot down and tell him he is not welcome here any more. Get the snake out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2010): If she hasn't slept with him yet she soon will be. Tell her flat out that it must end or you will be talking to a lawyer.
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A
male
reader, happy140 +, writes (23 June 2010):
happy140 is verified as being by the original poster of the question “Do you still want to be with me? Do you still love me or are you questioning our relationship? Tell her you are feeling insecure, if the tables were turned, if it was a girl friend you were spending time with, that you would make sure she was okay that her feelings would be your priority not your friend.” –Been there, done that-I told her if I had a female friend this close she would be mad-I once started a new job with a female boss who loved my work ethic and I spoke of her often at home. Well my wife got upset so I quit speaking of her. She, my boss even thought we should car pool or at least I with one of the other women in the office since they all drove past my house on the way to work-I tell EVERY female that any one on one time with a married man in my eyes is inappropriate. “…do you think it is possible that your wife feels unappreciated or neglected by you? I'm of course in no way blaming you for this, her actions are her own”—I am on disability and at home 24/7. Her father lives with us and I tend to him during the day, make all meals during the week, and ensure that all laundry is done. I cannot do much outside but I tend to her horses everyday as much as I can. We go to yard sales to have one on one time, we due dinners alone. We may no longer go out and dance (severe back problems) but I make sure she hears I love you constantly and even after 30 years I caress her daily like to teen agers in love. I have asked for more closeness, she now sleeps on my shoulder every night, and that has helped a lot. It, however does nothing for seeing him and hearing about him daily. People see comment and us that we look like were in love-after 30 years! …”maybe you need to talk to the guy and say you're not ok with this, they have to know you're not ok with it”—I have told him (apprx. 3 years ago) I think they spend a lot of time together and some occasions are for family. Boy did she get PISSED at me for talking that way to him. He did slow down for a while but its back. When I told her why she said they are friends and I do not have the right to tell her who her friends are. I am too old to play war games so I just let it go. There was going to be no compromise and I knew that. “…do you trust her?” —Yes I trust her, but I also see her we used to go to the bar, some guy shows her attention and she outside sitting with him for hours while I’m inside entertain our friends or by myself. I trust her but not the circumstances. You but a man and woman together who find each other attractive and things can get out of control “accidently”. His wife thinks he is out riding his bike or visiting friends. I would under NO CIRCUMSTANCES advise his wife, that will probably cause an irreversible riff there with even more severe consiqueses here.I feel as if my wife is tired of the disabled person, always sick, always at a doctor’s office, always having test done. I do get so lethargic that I cannot physically do anything and there are many days I struggle to do the above things. I think she wants more, as in infatuation and someone who will do things with her. The simple things like walking down our street to spend time with her, I CANNOT DO. It hurts me more than her. Any and ALL conversations about this man leads to all out war and I always lose and look like the idiot we she tells him (she says she doesn’t, but I deep down inside find that to hard to believe- Thanks for the replies and I will work harder than I have been to make it work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): It sounds like it is time for the two of you to go to a marriage counselor. Tell her how much this is upsetting you and that you think it is time to discuss this entire situation with a counselor. If she refuses and continues her behavior then it is time for you to bring up the possibility of divorce. You can't go on living like this. She has to decide between you and him. If she can't decide then you have to make the decision to split.
I see nothing wrong with them car pooling and talking a little afterward, but she is allowing him to completely intrude on your relationship.
Another thing that you could do is to contact his wife and tell her about the situation. I don't understand why she hasn't wondered about him spending so much time away from home besides the going to work thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): It does sound like your wife is having an emotional affair right under your nose. You need to give her an option, she either chooses to stop seeing this man or you will have to seriously reconsider the relationship. You say you don't see splitting up as an option but if you do not stop this now then you will get into a situation where divorce will certainly be an option! If she really loves you then she will stop this game now.
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female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 You have every right to feel the way you do about this. It bothers me that you have brought this up with your wife that it hurts you emotionally and she was so defensive instead of reassuring.
This man is not being honest to his own wife about who is car pooling with which also makes me think he is sneaky and not to be trusted.
The main issue I see is that your not getting the time and the attention that this friend is receiving. why? Instead of asking your wife about this man which hasn't worked could you ask her about you instead? Do you still want to be with me? Do you still love me or are you questioning our relationship? Tell her you are feeling insecure, if the tables were turned, if it was a girl friend you were spending time with, that you would make sure she was okay that her feelings would be your priority not your friend.
I don't think that two people have to be having sex to hurt their partners. emotionally she is intimate with this man and that can hurt worse. If she is not willing to make some changes to this dynamic then she is choosing her connection with him over you which indicates a red flag
Sit down with her again tell her exactly what you need and then
Go to your gut.... all ways go to your gut!
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A
male
reader, dyeruz  +, writes (22 June 2010):
It's an emotional affair quite obviously and if she can't see how much it hurts you then you need to sit her down and really talk about it. It doesn't matter there can't be three in this relationship and to have him at your house all the time and even at occasions is just taking the mick, maybe you need to talk to the guy and say you're not ok with this,they have to know you're not ok with it if it's upsetting you that much, otherwise it will continue. Good luck.
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male
reader, Gothic landscaper +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I'm not female but i have seen this before. The 30 mile drive thing is a little odd but im the same way. Heres something you have to ask yourself, do you trust her? If you really trust her then keep faith that she knows what shes doing. Maybe she just wants to keep the guy around to remind her what they might have had and to remind her why she loves you.
I'm not saying to relax to a point where he does move in, by all rights keep him from laoding a room in your house. What i am saying is relax a little a trust shes not going to do anything stupid with this guy.
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