A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:HelloI am a middle aged woman and have been married for 12 years.My husband is in his early 60s.Our marriage has had its up and downs but we have made progress, we are both from different countries.We live in Canada. My family live in UK.I have nobody here except him and I am introverted so I do like to be alone a lot. Recently I had a nervous breakdown, for 6 - 7 weeks was ill, over this Xmas 2015 could not function, I just wanted to be in bed all day, could hardly eat and lost a lot of weight ( over 20lbs) I am recovering now but it was a traumatic time.My husband I would like to say was marvellous throughout the period.He was doing everything in the home and looking after me. Anything I wanted he did and looked after me so well. No faults whatsoever.I have noticed though he has this habit of saying or doing something just before he goes to work within a 10 - 15 min window of time.Its nearly always when I have the day off.And it usually is something said verbally or some other action that will upset me.I told him about this and said why does he upset me just before he goes to work or just before I go to work.Its almost like he wants me miserable and upset and he doesn't want me to have a happy day.As I said this has been going on for a while now.Time and time again I tell him.I point to the floor and say you leave a pile of s*** meaning the upset and I have to clean up after you are gone.He acts like nothing has happened.He tells me I am over reacting, am sensitive, exaggerating.He appears oblivious to this but it really is affecting me big time.2 examples this week. Sometime back I had a problem with him putting stuff on the internet for public because it did mean my privacy was compromised, he realised this, I wont go into all the details. its to do with FB and privacy settings, if he put something for public they could click and see my private stuff.He realised this and knew how much it upset me and promised it would not happen again.But it did on Monday and he posted a status for public.I couldn't believe it because we had a 2 hour discussion and a big upset and he promised he wouldn't.Of course I was very upset and as I said at the beginning am still recovering from the breakdown.I just slipped again on Monday after this emotional upset didn't want to get up.Felt so low, more so because he had told me one thing and did something else. and I need to trust and believe him. He told me I have to be stronger, not let these small thigs upset me.I am just picking up again and yesterday went to work.At work they gave me a beautiful plack for so many years years of service with my name on.Today I ask husband to put it on wall and he did by the front door where I chose.Im actually quite proud of this wooden plack.We had a good day today laughing and talking a lot, nice lunch and then he started getting ready for work.I did feel a bit nervous as this was my day off and I was a little worried that something out the blue may come in that time window I was describing earlier.Just before he was ready to go we both commented how nice the plack looked, we were looking at it.I was telling him its Friday and he can look forward to the weekend ahead after his long day, I was being really nice to him.Then I said just as he was opening the door, look at that, pointing to the plack. My name is the last thing you will see before you leave, I said how nice is that.He looked and said " Do you want me to choke" ?For me then the shock went through me. I couldn't believe he said that.I felt so upset that he could say he could choke when he saw my name, I said you should honour my name then he put a kiss on his finger and put it on the name on the plack. He could see I was upset and told me not to take it seriously, that it was a joke and he was laughing.There was no time to discuss it as it was out the door to work for him but you see what I mean, just before going again.He said I am over sensitive but I am really upset again just like Monday. Im crying here and feel really down again.My whole day is messed up. I feel ill againIm thinking how could he say such a horrible thing? And then I am questioning myself am I taking it to seriously.And then I think how could he say that knowing how ill I have been the last few weeks and knowing I am not fully recovered.I have been for a lots of tests at hospital and even been in for fluids and tests.I just don't know what to do.I keep trying to figure out why he does this in this window of time.Lots of times its the reverse, its when I go to work and these verbal or something he does happens just before I leave, I have to compose myself before going into work as I work in healthcare. I have left crying.Tell me ladies and men am I over reacting, is it me??????How would you ladies feel if your husband was to make a comment like that and then try to reassure you it was a joke.And husbands would you make that comment in a jokey way.I am trying to figure out is it me acting abnormally.I am at a loss as to what to do.Just lately I have been doing more for him, because I didn't do much for so long because I was ill.Please help me try to figure out whats going on here.Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): I totally understand. I think in all probability that your husband speaks before he thinks (he doesn't consider if his comment will hurt you), and he does not intend to hurt you (you need to believe this). Try to let the comments fall off like water on a duck's back, be strong.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 January 2016):
 Yes, it is you acting abnormally. Or , normally for a person who is still unwell , and emotionally vulnerable because of a bout of severe depression. You are on the mend, you are getting better, ... but it takes time, as you certainly know, and you are not quite there yet. You may still find yourself hypersensitive, and prone to overanalyze, misunderstand, and look for negative, uncaring intentions when there weren't any.
Yes, it was a joke- and maybe your husband should know better than cracking jokes when you are still so vulnerable , then again I understand that he does not want to treat you as if you were made of glass and break into shards if he says something a bit curt or a bit fresh or even marginally snippy. He does not want to treat you as if you were forever emotionally crippled- because you aren't ; it was a bad time, and now it's almost gone ; so he is treating you normally, and "normal" for a couple of 12 years occasionally will also include a smartaleck answer, or a not superfunny joke. Because the couple can handle it perfectly, no damage done ( even if it does not feel like this to you right now ).
My guess about the " choke " joke, is that he meant : " Do you want me to choke *for the emotion * at the sheer sight of your name " ??...
Because, come on, now don't hate me but you have a bit gone looking for this kind of repartee... " My name is the last thing you 'll see before you leave every day ! "- it sounds so very solemn , so " loaded " for a normal thing like seeing your spouse name written somewhere.
Yes, he has been a bit clumsy- probably you still need to be handled with care, you aren't ready yet for banter or irony. But, focus on what it counts. So, your husband refuses to get all excited at the mere sight of your name, and he even jokes about that. BUT : when you needed him, he was theer for you, Always. He is your rock, capable of care, love, affection and devotion- when it counts. Focus on that, and don't dismiss it for a second. The rest of the time.... the rest of the time he is an average guy who does not want to have to walk on eggshell all the time in his own home, and always have to watch every word which out of his mouth least you should take take it too much at heart, or the wrong way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016): I think it was just a weird joke and your husband loves you. It seems to me like you are getting into an anxiety type rut where you are anticipating something bad happening on your days off in this 15min window as you describe it. I would try to change your routine on these days go do something or leave before your husband so you are diverting your attention away from this bit you find negative. I also had a breakdown once and with me it did cause me some lingering problems afterwards like stressing or obsessing over small details and just being very easy to upset. It took a long time for me to calm down about it but diverting my focus onto things I enjoy etc helped
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 January 2016):
 Maybe the font of your name is big and it looked intimidating. Husbands who love their wives dearly are a little bit afraid of upsetting them. "Choke" would mean take heed, don't mess with, get serious, etc.
What husband says this? Just long time married men who know how important their wives are.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe said he will choke because my name is the last thing he will see. since then he has called and said he had no intention of upsetting me but what husband says it would make them choke to see your name.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 January 2016):
You are loved by your husband and loved by your work place. Maybe you are very serious, hard working and your anxiety is your body telling you you need a break. Your husband did not make that comment about choking to make you feel bad. Your anxiety has taken a toll on him too. He's also taken it personally that he has not been able to make you recover. It sounds like he's being himself, and would not walk on egg shells just to not upset you. He will live his life as usual, say what's on his mind and do whatever he thinks is right. That's his way of coping with your anxiety. He has faith that one day you will be well again.
You were laughing the other day, so your husband thought you recovered and didn't have to watch what he said. He surely acknowledged your hard work, and is proud to be your husband.
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