A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a little confused and could just use a little advice to keep me on the right path.My girlfriend and I had a little argument the other day. She's been distancing herself over the past few weeks, and I finally called her out on it. (We've been dating 2 years, and we're both in college together.)I finally asked her why she's been distancing herself and if something's bothering her, and if so we should talk about it.She said she feels like she's not being given the "right" to make her own decisions about her life. By this, she means that she comes to me to tell me about something major she plans to do. She said she doesn't like it when I simply express my thoughts on the situation, or want to discuss it with her. I think she wants me to just always agree with her. I never forbid her from doing anything or anything controlling like that, but I might say "hey, that's cool, just keep this in mind as you go ahead with it."Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I'm one who still believes that in a long-term committed relationship, major, possibly life-changing decisions are discussed together. Of course it's ultimately up to the person being affected to decide, but in a long-term relationship, some decisions may affect both people, so that's why I think it's fair to discuss and talk about things. It's not saying that either person should "get their way". Just that decisions should be talked about, and if something major is going to happen in a negative way to either person, perhaps a compromise is reached.I just want to know if I'm completely out of line here or if I'm reasonable and it's just her needing to maybe grow up a tiny bit more. All I want to be able to do is discuss any MAJOR decisions that could affect both of our lives and our relationship. She, of course, doesn't need to tell me where she's going all the time, what she's doing every hour, or anything crazy or stalky like that. Just like, if she were to take a job, decide to move, things like that, that she let me know about it so we can plan together.I see it like, suppose she was offered a job, but it required her to move far away. That would end up affecting our relationship, so to me it'd be fair for us to talk about it - maybe I would be willing to move with her, maybe we look things over and find out the job isn't worth it, etc. But I feel that she's more in the state of "if I want to do it, I'll do it, and everyone else can deal with it." To me, a person working that way when it comes to MAJOR decisions isn't going to last in a relationship.She does say she still loves me and wants to work things out. So, again, am I doing something completely out of line? Or am I OK? Should I just explain to her that I'd like to be able to discuss only major decisions that affect BOTH of us or our relationship? (Because that's all I ask.) We seem to live in a "me" society these days, but I still am the kind who wants to live life WITH someone, make decisions together, grow together and so on. If I were to have a major decision on my plate, I'd certainly discuss it with her, and see what happens. It may mean compromising, which to me would be more than acceptable, because it's working on our relationship. Is it wrong to want to be this way? Has the idea of couples working together died? Is it really just a world now where everyone cares about their own successes and their own needs and everyone else, even intimate relationship partners, should just sit back and deal with it?What do you guys think? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 January 2013):
 Your current status with her does not give you the level of being able to "forbid" a life choice.
You are a lovely and wonderful boyfriend who has been with her for a number of years. You are NOT a lovely and wonderful fiancé or husband.
The fact you think you have veto rights in her future... you're in college. You are not engaged to be married. There is no wedding day. You've been together two years.
I think you are overestimating your actual influence and decision making power.
My boyfriend in college was a very nice and intelligent young man. He was also controlling and insecure and unrealistic about what the future held for us.
I'd say it's time for you to realize that you cannot control her or her future. The best thing would be to accept that you aren't the "me" she's been waiting for. I'd start to accept that if I want someone to compromise for me and with me, I'd ensure her age, her goals and my age and my goals are congruent.
It's not wrong to want to compromise or to want a mutually agreed upon future goal.
I think you are being overly dramatic, based on your disappointment that the woman you have chosen to fuflill your ideas isn't going to be available for duty.T he idea of couples has not died. It isn't a world where everyone cares about their own successes and their own needs and everyone else should sit back and deal with with it.
What you have is a situation where your expectations of her acquiescing to your demands and expectations isn't going to happen.
I hope you get some perspective on how "me" you are being.... Sorry. She doesn't owe you her life and her future.... two years in a relationship and in college? Not enough. Sorry.
If she's your fiancé and you have a wedding date set within a year then MAYBE you have a chance at some input.
A
female
reader, lmao1989  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 I don't think you're out of line she is very much out of line and self centred. My partner and i we discuss things like together all the time i appreciate his input and he appreciates mine we give our thoughts and feelings about the situation what may go wrong how we'll fix it that type of thing.
We've discussed our future of living together and cooking situations things like that. There are people out there who still do the compromise but i do think your girlfriend isn't ready for that she seems like she wants to live her life as she wants to do without having to discuss with anyone or feel she needs too.
I think you should let her know that you'd like to do that and discuss things together let her know that you want to feel included in the decision making if she still rejects that i think you're better off finding someone who will appreciate your input to what ever decisions they want to take.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 January 2013):
You're not out of line at all. But she sounds like she's not ready for a serious relationship right now. That life decisions come first and relationships second.
That's not wrong either since there is no way to know if you two will be together forever.
Some people also can't handle criticism. Once they get an idea in their head its over. It sounds like that's how she is. Maybe you need to start accepting that your future with her may involve some pretty big changes if you want to stay together. She seems to not want anything to stop her from doing what she wants and you shouldn't try, even if it means the end of your relationship.
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