A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello DearCupid members,Some things to know: * I am a 16 year old male that is madly in love with this really beautiful (well, I think so anyway) woman who is the same age as me. * We have known each other for three years. And I have loved her since I met her. She has admitted that she has as-well, however, she has had another love with which she has a negative experience from. * I met her online, and we are interstate. * We constantly communicate via Skype video chat.Now, here's some things: * When she goes for a while, I just want her to tell me what she's doing and how long she'll be (obviously a "brb" is unnecessary to tell me these things, since well, she will be right back). * I want her to, if she knows that she's going to be longer than her planned time frame by a considerable amount, to just text me letting me know.I do all of that to her, for her, however she never really does this at all for me, and it hurts my heart whenever she doesn't and [literally] brings a tear to my eye. Sometimes after such occurrences, we have arguments and fights (over what is essentially nothing). Am I obsessed?===On another note, her ex-boyfriend tormented her and caused her to become emotionally distraught. He constantly pressured her for sexual intercourse (at such a young age), yet she remained with him (I loved her for the whole three years).This has made me greatly hate him to the deepest depths emotionally possible.She had also committed an act of intimacy with this individual which had broke my heart when news came to me of it (through her). French kissing. Yes, some consider it just a kiss, but to me for some reason it's more than that and just tore my heart when I discovered the news.Since their breakup, she has hated him since. Just as I have. However recently, she has begun to start talking to him once again, to my extreme displeasure (she knows this too). She's said to me that she doesn't want to seem a 'bitch' by completely ignoring him. I'm okay with that, but I don't really like it when they both have flat-out conversations with him. Okay, talk to him about stuff missed in class (which she initially did), but not entire conversations with my enemy!I don't know, but the aforementioned just severely distresses and emotionally hurts me and I end up not talking to her for the rest of the day/night because of it (it's either that, or tell her how I feel and get in an argument and fight).Am I controlling in wanting her to minimise communication with him for what he's done to her, simply because I'm not ready to accept this (hence my hurt)?===Another thing, is sleep. Ever since first talking to her on the phone at night, I have been unable to sleep without knowledge that she is also sleeping. I don't know what this is, maybe a male protection mechanism in-built into my psychology or what. And I can never sleep for more than a couple of hours if I don't hear her sleeping on the other end/go a night without her.===To sum this all up, and to ask my question(s): * Am I obsessed? * Am I controlling? (- she has said that she feels controlled).Hence, if either of these are true, I seek the advice of others in this forum.I really do love her, and she also genuinely loves me, and I do not want her to part my life. We already have names for future children, and she has responded with a 'Yes' that she will marry me. We share special moments on the phone together ("phone-sex") at night, and both masturbate to each others' pleasure.Thank you for those who genuinely have taken the time to read this. :-)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 I get the whole get into bed and make the "bedtime tuck in phone call" but then you need to say good night hang up the phone and GO TO SLEEP.
IF you have not met her in person then I'm sorry to inform you but you are PLANNING a relationship.... LDRs need to have a physical aspect to them to make them work.
Your feelings for her and about her are OVER THE TOP and extreme and IF my teenage daughter had a person practically stalking her on the computer I would block it.... it's creepy and dangerous for her and for your mental health.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Most contact is through online. You can only control her so much. She can basically say to you, "good night honey." and then go party with her friends. So to me that doesn't count as bf/gf.
Also, she hates her ex, but she still talks to him. She thinks you are controlling, but she still genuinely wants to be with you. See the problem here?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 Funny. If it was your mom acting so overprotective toward you, you'd be on DC bitching about how horribly unreasonable and controlling and neurotic she is.
" Bye mom, I am going out with my friends "
" Ok. Be back by 10, 10.30 at most ,though , you know I have to stay up until you are back ".
" But mom, you don't have to stay up for me, go to bed, I'll be fine "
" WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ? you KNOW I would not be able to close eye ! You know I CAN'T sleep until you are safely in your bed ! "
Well, I guess the example does not quite apply to you because you are so young and you have an early curfew anyway , but imagine being 20, 22 or 25 and still living at home ( far from unheard nowadays with the job situation and all ) and having to stick to a 10 o'clock curfew.
You would find it wrong , selfish - sick maybe.
The fact that your gf enables you to act out your compulsions, ( for now ! she'll get fed up eventually ) is neither here nor there, and does not make them more acceptable or less troubling.
Again : get professional help.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 September 2011):
A definition of a bf/gf is where one confides in the other about everything, at the same time sharing intimacy. Right here I see that she has you who will be there all the time, while her ex fulfills something such as excitement and attention. If she had hated him so much there has to be a reason why they are still friends. What at they sharing with each other that she is not sharing with you? This is your first love I understand how frustrating it is when you are not satisfied. Perhaps you can sleep better once you know what she is really up to.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 September 2011):
 The sleeping part still is no good. It's not about you doing it to be mean to her. But you are in effect controlling her. Whether you see it that way or not. You say "I can not sleep unless I hear you sleep, so if you love me you will keep the phone on".
May I ask how much the phone bill is? May I also point out how creepy that situation is?
You're not some little baby, you slept FINE before you met her, and you'll sleep just as fine without hearing her sleep. This thing about you "needing" to hear her sleep is the controlling part. Because let's face it, you do not NEED to hear it. You find it comforting. But you will not die if you do not hear her. In fact, you'll get used to not hearing her, you'll start to loosen up a bit, and you'll sleep just fine.
If you do not sleep then go to your doctors and get some help for insomnia. The solution is not to keep your girlfriend under close observation just so you can feel safe and secure. This reminds me of paranoia to be honest, where you feel you must control your surroundings to the extreme (having to hear her sleep IS extreme), otherwise you have panic attacks and think everyone is out to get you.
Why did you say "phone"? Isn't she using a real phone to talk to you?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify: * She 'is' my girlfriend as has been for the past five months. * We don't fall asleep with Skype on, we are in bed and use our phones. * I don't force her to keep her "phone" on. In the past I have said, "Here, I'll let you go so you can get some rest more easily". Of course, I only get about an hours' sleep that night. Most of the time when I say that however, she outright refuses because she loves me and doesn't like the idea of me getting little to no sleep.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011): Everything seemed ok until the sleeping bit. She has to keep skype on so that you can hear her? Then yes, you are controlling and a little creepy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 September 2011):
Yes and yes.
The sleeping thing, then, is downright creepy- it's as if she were at Big Brother's.
You may want start working on all that and tuning it down, in your own best interest.
I think she can still deal with this behaviour because she is young, immature and unexperienced and she may see it as a sign of great love, but just let her grow up a bit and gain a wider perspective, and SHE'll make you stop if you don't. She already told you she feels controlled,maybe now she still thinks it's cute but from cute to annoying and exasperating the distance is often not as long as you'd think.
Maybe you can talk to your school psychologist ?, and see if he/ she can help you with your issues.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 September 2011):
Yes and yes. You love her, ok, but you need to give her space to breathe.
My mother told me something that I will pass on to you, try to live by this. Pretend that love is like sand. Hold it in your hands. If you clutch tight around it, sand will slip out between your fingers, and the tighter you press, more and more sand will escape.
But, if you open your hands, and let the sand lay in your palms, it will lay still and not run away.
When you love someone you need to let them be free. When they love you too they will not run away. But if you try to keep them tight, and put them on a leash, they will struggle to break free and get away.
If you love her you must learn to relax, trust her, and set her free to do what she wishes to do. Be that sleeping without you having to hear her, or talking to her ex. When you set her free you mist also let her have her griefs. You must not make her problems your problems. You must not make her a part of you. She is her own person!
This means that you do not have a right to hate her ex. Sorry, you don't. Her ex didn't do YOU any harm. Hence you do not have a right to hate him. She does. She has a right to hate him. You may dislike him, sure, but he didn't offend YOU, and you need to let it go. If she wants to forgive, if she wants to forget, then let her. Don't hold grudges on her behalf when she doesn't want them.
You must also let her go do her things without NEEDING to know every little bit. Ok. Calm down. Take deep breaths. Let her free. Just because you text her about your every move does not mean she is obliged to do the same when it doesn't come natural to her.
You need to open your hands before all the sand escapes, and there will be no more love left in the relationship...
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 September 2011):
You are somewhat obsessed but the main problem is not you because you have your reasons. She is not your girlfriend yet and she has not gotten over her ex yet. My advice is to back off and give her the message that until she knows what she wants she can't have both of you. Ironically, when you feel more secure in the relationship you will be less obsessed. People are only as needy as their own unmet needs.
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