A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:am i naive in thinking that on a first date nothing more than kissing should happen? My friends and I were discussing this today and when I said i would never sleep with someone on the first date, they all said they wouldn't rule it out...But i said if you want the guy to take you seriously and see him again it's better not to. But then they said, they may do stuff with him. But people are more likely to have sex or something happen on the second date for sure! I personally, would never sleep with a guy on the first date, or even do anything other than kissing. As for the second date, i probably still wouldn't, it's too early in!But they said 'you're in university, it's bound to happen. You can't expect nothing to happen at least on the second date'. To which i said, i wouldn't, it's too early in to be getting sexual'. and of course they replied 'you're naive, it's cute'... bit patronising, but are they right? I mean most guys i've gone on a date with in uni, have asked me back to theirs after and then on the second date tried something.. so i know they aren't wrong. But is that just something i'm supposed to know and do?
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (20 June 2012):
 I never did work out the best amount of time to wait to have sex. Yes it does go on a lot and I'm sure a lot of guys expect sex on the first or second date. What I hated the most, was on the second date, a guy who said he loved me, just to try and have sex. I didn't believe he loved me that soon and didn't have sex. We didn't see each-other after that.
There's all the issues surrounding respect and wanting the relationship to be more than just based on sex... I also found that put pressure on things, because making them wait, also made them want the sex.
By the sounds of most people who replied, they'll think they'd wait a few weeks first, to make sure they had stuff in common and thought they'd go out with each-other a while.
Perhaps if you have sex straight away, or on the first or second date, I guess you need an open mind. If it's just casual and doesn't last long, then at least you had fun, or so be it. Or if it's long-term relationship that somehow follows then it's a surprise.
Perhaps different people have different views about how long to wait. I'm sure also people vary their own views at different years of their life, depending on their past experience. i.e. if they had a certain approach and the relationship didn't last, they try the opposite way round.
A
male
reader, MrWombat  +, writes (21 May 2012):
 You are 18-21. Maybe you can hold out a bit right now, but in about three years if you don't put out then there's plenty of girls that will. These are just the realities.
Rather than asking what's normal or usual, you need to ask yourself what you want out of life. If you want to be popular and have boyfriends and be part of that culture, then yeah - sex is pretty much part of the deal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): They're the naive ones, unless they are only after sex themselves but if it's a meaningful relationship you want then your approach is certainly one to stand by. If a guy is truly interested then he is going to wait and if he's just after sex then you'll know because he wont be happy waiting.
Any guy asking you back to theirs after a first date certainly only wants one thing and thinks he'll get it if you say yes. If you can avoid going back to a guys home even after a few dates if it leaves you alone because you don't really know them and it avoids any possibilities for things to go too far.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 May 2012):
 There are no set RULES for how fast or how sloe you need to go, other then what feels RIGHT for you.
So if you don't want to have sex with a guy you are dating til 3-7 weeks/months after you have met him, go for it, if your friend wants to hook up on the first night, let her.
DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU.
People have different values and morals,just stick to yours. If a guy finds it odd or he gets mad, he obviously doesn't share the same values/morals as you do, so toss him back in the pond.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 May 2012):
 Do whatever YOU think is right and never, ever do anything you're not comfortable with. Who cares what others think? If you're not comfortable having sex even after a year of dating, then its your call and nobody is to say if its right or not. You make the rules, you decide. Let others call you naive/a prude/ old fashioned...who cares?! Stick to your beliefs and never compromise.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 May 2012):
 Sure, most guys will try it off and see if they can "get" something more out of you. They are taught to be that way. Guys in general are taught that they should never pass up on the chance to have sex, and try to get it whenever possible, because that's "manly" these days. Getting laid = they're cool.
But, real men knows this isn't true. Getting laid and having casual sex does not make you a "man". A real guy with a genuine interest in you will not try to get more out of you on any date until you and him are both feeling like the relationship is getting serious enough to take to the next level.
You can ask your friends how many long-term relationships they have had with men they slept with on the first, or second, date. The reason for this is simple: if you sleep with someone without having feelings for them you are using that person just for sex. When you introduce sex at the beginning of a relationship the relationship becomes only sexual. The relationship will then have very little chance of lasting beyond the sexual contact the two of you have.
In addition: a man who is genuinely interested in you will not be interested in sleeping with you right away. He will want to get to know you, work for you, and then save the "best" for later. This is true! If a man is interested in you, but you spread your legs all too willingly, he will probably lose respect for you, and also lose interest in you. I mean, you don't exactly respect the men who are trying to get more out of you after just one date, do you?
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (21 May 2012):
I'm in agreement with the original poster. If sexual activity - even kissing - is some kind of expectation, on the first OR second date, then you are dating the wrong people.
I can't say that I have a lot of dating experience. With my High School (first) girlfriend, we were about a month into our dating before we kissed. Had about half a dozen dates during my university years; only a couple of them included "first date kisses" - and those were perfunctory, rather ceremonial, peck-on-the-lips kind of kisses.
The only girl who ever kissed on the first date - and she REALLY kissed - has been my wife for almost 38 years. OK, that first date wasn't exactly a "first date". We had been writing letters - real letters on real paper; sometimes a friendship card or trinket gift - and getting more serious for three months before we ever met in person. First meeting, first date, and first kiss all occurred in a span of about 6 hours.
Casual sex? We exchanged virginity (she gave hers to me, and got mine in return) on our wedding night, one year plus two weeks after we met. We were both 23 yrs old.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2012): The posters before me are right OP. If it's not your thing then do not do it and don't let yourself get carried away either.
From a guy's perspective OP and one who's had many one night stands I really didn't ever consider going any further with those girls because simply put if you're going to give me a gold medal before I've run the race then why run at all? Why put in the effort if I've already gotten the prize?
It depends on what you want. If you just want to get laid then there's very little wrong with a one night stand as long as you use protection.
It can also lead to a casual sex thing where you meet to hook up from time to time and if that's what you want it's not a bad way to start off.
If you want to be taken seriously though, want to be viewed as more than just good for sex, you'll make us earn that, you'll let us chase and you'll take your time getting to know us and let the sexual tension build a bit too so that when it does happen it will be much more than a rubbing of genitals there will be a deeper emotional connection.
There is no wrong or right way OP it all depends on what you want. Relationships have started from one-night stands but the vast majority of us guys really prefer a girl that isn't that easy. It's the ones who take time and effort that we want to proudly show off to our parents and friends. It's the girls who give it up on the first date that we point out as a conquest so other guys can get some too. Guys talk OP and you're much more susceptible to the players and dogs if you've already shown yourself willing to have one-night stands.
Your friends are right though OP. If you consistently "go back to theirs" on the first or second dates you will end up having sex with one of them eventually. It only takes one moment of weakness, drunkenness or just an incredibly handsome and charming guy for your guard to slip.
I've just finished years of college and I'm in my 30's so I got to watch the dynamic over the years. The amount of girls I know your age that swear they want relationships and don't do casual, yet think they can bring guys back to theirs and nothing happen is amazing. I know girls that even thought they could bring guys to bed "just for a cuddle" and then end up either having to fight off that guys advances for the night then hope he didn't do anything to them when they'd fallen asleep or just give in and shag him.
In that respect OP, the other posters are right about guys who can't wait not being worth it but if you keep leading the horse to water they are going to drink.
You are very naive if you nothing will ever happen if that's what you do, you're also very naive if you don't realize that people will just assume that you've slept with a guy when you go home alone with them so the reputation will be built on that basis alone too.
It's actually gas. I have one friend who's a devout Christian and saving herself for marriage but every guy I talk to assumes she's a goer because she has taken a good few guys home with her on nights out. She simply can't understand why a drunken guy she's just met won't stop trying when they're alone even though she said no. She just doesn't get there's only one reason why a guy wants to take you home and it's not to discuss the finer points of global economics.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (21 May 2012):
 I agree with Cindy.
I would NEVER have sex on a first date. For me, I don't know that person! eek!
Sex for me should be in a relationship with somone I care about - I am not into casual sex at all.
My boyfriend waited 3 months for me to be ready for sex, and he was quite prepared to wait - because HE wanted me to be ready and sure it was what I wanted. In those three months, we dated, kissed and got to know each other. And it made us a stronger couple in the long run.
I work at a university so I understand the mindset of your friends. A large proportion of students are only looking for casual sex. One night stands and a cheap thrill. The boys in particular are very much looking to sleep with as many girls as possible and to sow their wild oats. This behaviour is fueled by cheap booze and immaturity.
There is nothing wrong with waiting. In fact, you will grow to be a happier and stronger woman, as you will not have horrible drunken regrets that stay with you. Would you rather have memories of a drunken fumble with a stranger?
There are also many girls who do wait. They just don't shout it from the rooftops like those who do sleep around (like your friends). It is almost like they need to tell everyone about their sexual antics to be popular and get attention. So keep being you!
I guess it boils down to what you are looking for;
If you want casual sex and one night stands, then go with every guy that asks you out. - it will get you a reputation and make you feel crap.
If you are looking for a boyfriend, then waiting will be the best thing, you can get to know someone so much better first.
Tiger x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 May 2012):
 You are supposed to know it ( always better to be prepared :) but you are not supposed to do it.
To do it for whom, if you don't want to do it ? To please your university girlfriends ? To please some horny , and probably drunk, guy that you don't even know ?...
You only have to please yourself, and to do what feels right and comfortable for YOU. Let your friends do what works for them, and you keep only doing what works for you.
Sure, there's no denying, your attitude may make you less " popular 2 with ( some ) guys, some may think you are " boring " or " uptight " or whatnot. Don't worry- thank them, they are self-screening themselves and helping you out in choosing right. A guy that pressures you for what you aren't ready to do, or that cannot wait for a few dates ( all he dates it takes, no fixed number ) until you want more than kisses, is a guy that you should not waste your time on anyway.
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