A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m having a conflict with my partner. I need some advice about whether or not I’m making too big a deal out of nothing. We are both 30, and living together. I’ll try to paint the scene:We were getting ready to carry some stuff to the car, and she asked me to grab a white tote bag which we keep hanging by the door. There are actually two white tote bags hanging by the door, although we almost always just use the one, so I guess I should have known which one she meant. But in the heat of the moment, I almost grabbed the wrong one. She reacted as if I was so incompetent to have not known instantly what she meant. I did show my temper for an instant. I did not yell or throw or anything like that, but I definitely lost my cool for a moment. We carried on with the stuff moving, both fuming. Afterwards (like 30 minutes later) I said I was sorry for reacting that way, and that I do not like it when she treats me like I’m stupid for making a simple mistake, and her reaction was to say “then you shouldn’t act that way”I realize this seems like a small insignificant thing, but I feel like this happens often, and this time I couldn’t ignore it. I think kindness and respect are essential in a relationship and I feel very strongly about that. I would never put down my partner, not even as a joke or in an argument. Never. ESPECIALLY for a simple human error. I can forget something that was said in the heat of a moment, but what is really bothering me is that she is completely unapologetic about it. As if it’s not her mistake to treat me like I’m stupid, but rather my mistake for being stupid.Later, when we both reached the bed, I explained to her that it really bothered me and that treating each other that way is not allowed. She said nothing and left to sleep in another room. I’m pretty wound up about it and honestly it feels like a deal breaker to me. Am I making way to much out of nothing? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, malvern  +, writes (11 June 2023):
 I have to amit that I sometimes act the same way with my husband as your girlfriend acts with you. She’s just getting irritated by you. She’s not truly happy so she’s nit picking at you. I suppose it all comes about with familiararity. Don’t make too much of an issue of it but try distraction techniques ! By this I mean by suggesting that the two of you go out and do something interesting together, go for a meal, ten pin bowling, cycling etc etc and make yourself into somebody exciting and impulsive that she wants to be with. Life is too short so don’t let things get worse and slip away from each other without really noticing. Better to make the most of what you’ve got than end up on your own one day.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2023): People who won’t apologize when they mess up are frustrating, so no, you’re not making too much of it or overthinking it. The way you’re feeling right now is justified, and it shouldn’t be a big deal for her to admit she lashed out over something small. We all have done it. However, there needs to be effort made by BOTH people in a relationship to watch their mouth when they’re feeling irritable or angry, to avoid saying hurtful things. It sounds like she’s quick to anger, and needs to realize this and work on it before it’s too late. You two need to have a heart to heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2023): You are not making too much out of it.
She is trying to control you and manipulate you, giving you the silent treatment, whereas you wanted to talk things out like an adult.
She is both agressive AND passive-agressive.
First of all she didn't tell you what she wanted, she wanted you to read her mind. Around people like that you always have to walk on egg shells trying to do the impossible - please them around the clock.
Secondly, it was SHE who made a big deal out of nothing doing several things:
1. She belittled you (making herself somehow better)
2. She intimidated you, or at least tried to (you should now think twice before doing "the wrong thing")
3. She provoked your temper (because of course she knew fully well how you'd react) to make you "the bad guy".
4. Buy setting a scene (not telling you precisely WHICH bag to take) and then emotionally "exploding" (leading you into a connflict) she evacuated God knows what kind of emotional bild-up she had brewing inside her. More often than not, these things have nothing to do with the partner.
Thirdly, when you apologized and given her the space to do the same so that you can talk things over like well-raised, healthy adults, she shut you down and gave you the silent treatment in her attempt to control you and make you feel bad.
I don't know what your emotional baggage is and what kind of relationships you had before, but THIS is not healthy and is unacceptable.
If you do not do something about it and I mean REALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT (e.g. make her aware of this, explain that you will leave her unless you find a better way to communicate and then do it), she will always count this kind of "episodes" as her "win" (because for her that is what a relationship is - a battlefield where the strongest partner imposes their will).
This is not just a theory for me. I’ve lived in relationships like that. Not because I was “cursed”, but because I would tolerate this kind of behavior instead of leaving such people, as any normal and healthy person would.
Once you start seeing these behaviors for what they are (and attempt to control you) you cannot explain them as “an episode”, you cannot rationalize that this person has had “a bad day”… you know it’s a choice they make in an attempt to avoid taking the responsibility for their actions and emotions (and thoughts). Everything is always somebody else’s fault (mostly yours).
My first BF was like that, and we dragged on for SEVEN years! It took everything I had to leave him, because he was a decent guy and, in this day, and age finding somebody honest is not easy.
I did better with my husband. He is a great guy with problems he wasn’t solving (with regulating his emotions, expressing his needs – and then when you do not do as he wishes it’s your fault, sounds familiar? When his yelling finally dies down and we begin to talk he would block me telling me to leave him alone, etc. He would always later apologize and promise to do better, but until I did something about it, he never would.)
It took a while for me to work through my issues and set boundaries (I went to therapy) but even though I was in a pretty bad position and in certain aspects I was dependent on him (which is btw how people who have the issues I discussed are most comfortable with – when they (consciously or not) know that their partner has nowhere to go, the ultimate control). Anyway, I SHOWED him how serious I had been about leaving. I put away all the stuff that was important to me (documents, memorabilia…), I practically emptied my closets and shelves. He read a letter I had written for him. There were no accusations in there, just plain facts (he works really well with those when his calm and rational). He took me seriously and started working on his issues (therapy, meditation…).
I am glad that we worked things through, but I was ready to leave, and he knew it. It was not an empty talk.
I have no idea if your partner is like my husband – just hurt but willing to change.
From what you wrote she sounds selfish and extremely manipulative (never apologizing and blaming you for everything). And it sounds that she either wants you to conform to her will or hit the road.
It’s up to you. But remember, she needs you to participate in her little drama. She has no power over you.
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A
male
reader, Jammin75 +, writes (8 June 2023):
Look if you were busy lugging stuff the car, I can see how your GF may have had a shorter fuse than normal. But you say it happens often. And even hours later when you should have been kissing and making up, the opposite happened, your GF took the opportunity to sleep in another bed.
It’s difficult to advise without knowing fully what your relationship is like. Clearly this small point is still not resolved in your head. Your GF may be stressed and you’re taking the brunt, or she may be losing her attraction for you.
Ask her, directly, say it doesn’t feel right and ask why.
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A
male
reader, Jammin75 +, writes (8 June 2023):
Look if you were busy lugging stuff the car, I can see how your GF may have had a shorter fuse than normal. But you say it happens often. And even hours later when you should have been kissing and making up, the opposite happened, your GF took the opportunity to sleep in another bed.
It’s difficult to advise without knowing fully what your relationship is like. Clearly this small point is still not resolved in your head. Your GF may be stressed and you’re taking the brunt, or she may be along her attraction for you.
Ask her, directly, say it doesn’t feel right and ask why.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2023): Based on what you've depicted here, no, you're not overreacting. It's all to your credit that you offered an avenue for Descalation, the fact that she put you down further might be a sign that her inner feelings are that you're not good enough for her.
This is what I'd be probing into further if I were you. Am I good enough for you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2023): Absolutely not. She's looking for an excuse to end things. I'd leave her.
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