A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My life is going through a pretty turbulent patch at the moment and I would like to get some opinions on what direction I should be going in and whether I am making a big mess of things at the moment!Basically I have just found out I am losing my job at the end of the month, and whilst I am searching for a job at the minute I still havent found anything. I am not too worried by this - I graduated from uni last year and everyone is finding it tough at the moment. However this situation, combined with the fact that I am still living with my ex (not by choice I assure you!) is making me feel a bit stressed out and down about everything. The ex sitation - we split up in Feb but the contract on our apartment doesnt end until June 15th hence we cant leave! So things are pretty stressful at home too.Then there are 3 guys in my life (4 if you want to count the ex!).Guy 1 - Ex from 4 years ago. He has never left my life, and I am still crazy about the guy. However I hurt him a few years back by leaving him when I went to uni thinking the grass was greener on the other side, and he has never forgiven me. However we do meet up (and end up having sex) every once in a while, and each time I'm with him I know he is the man for me. I have never been more certain about anything, but he has told me he can never forgive me for what I've done. He says that he will always think of me as "his" but he doesnt want to be with me. Question is - how do I get over him? I have accepted we will never be together but the problem is how do you go through life knowing you have met your "soulmate" (if there is such thing!) yet you cant be with them?Guy 2 - Manchester Guy. I have been seeing him for just over a month now - he is really lovely and sweet but I'm not too sure how I feel about him. I want to give him a chance, I dont want to be too quick to judge but there are a few things that bother me. Firstly, he is not all that attractive (but I feel harsh because looks are not everything!). Secondly, he is pretty bad in bed but seems to think he is great! So I dont dare bring up the subject because he seems to think he is pretty damn good and I dont want to hurt his feelings or knock his confidence! And finally, he is not much of a gentleman (I am a bit old fashioned and like a man who knows how to treat a girl properly!). He lets me walk home alone at night, doesnt open doors for me, expects me to pay 50/50 for everything (even on our first date!), he talks about the ex all the time....the list goes on. He has a lot of good things though - he is very intelligent and cultured, and shares a lot of my interests. Guy 3 - Sheffield Guy. I am orginally from Sheffield but living in Manchester. At the moment, once I have left my current job and flat I will be moving home to Sheffield to move back in with my parents until I find a new job. So this will make seeing Guy 2 pretty difficult (Sheffield is about 40 miles away from Manchester)! But it will make seeing guy 3 much easier! Guy 3 is drop dead gorgeous (I have no idea why he is interested in me!) and amazing in so many ways. He is great in bed, he is funny, such a gentleman and he is nearly 6 years older than me (I tend to get on better with older guys seen as they are more mature and independent). But I get the feeling with this guy that he wont start anything up with me while I am living in a different city. I cant really read this guy - I've only seen him a couple of times and cant quite figure out if he likes me or if this is just a bit of fun (which I would be happy with). He came out the other night for my birthday and met some of my friends - he made such an effort to see me and then be nice to them which made me think he might want more than just a fling? But then again he doesnt really text much, and has not made any effort to try and arrange to see me again? We have not been on a proper date, just met on nights out and gone back to his house. I feel like I could fall for this guy if I'm not careful and I would like to know where I stand so I can put my feelings aside if needs be. But then again, if I move back to Sheffield is it a good idea to start seeing this guy?I know some may judge me because I have been seeing 2 guys sort of at the same time, but Guy 2 knows that we are taking things slow and not getting into anything serious. At first he was rushing head first into things - wanted me to go to his work summer ball, go to Paris in Novemeber etc but I told him that he was moving too fast and I wanted to slow things down. I am worried that maybe none of these guys are right for me and I should just stop seeing all of them, but I dont want to write them off either in case one of them could turn out to be something special. How do I know which is the right direction for me to take? Or should I just leave it to fate - if I find a job in Sheffield is this telling me something? Or if I get a job in Manchester, then maybe I should try harder with guy 2?Any advice or opinions would be great!
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (20 May 2009):
 Hi there,
Sorry for not replying sooner, had my sister around yesterday so time ran away from me.
OK so you are having safe sex which is great. I know you say it is not that often, but I would say that whilst you give it to your ex it will only ever be about the sex. I don't think you are allowing yourself to get emotionally attached without involving the sex element, which of course is enjoyable and yes you wouldn't be human if you didn't enjoy it, all I am trying to say that this ex of yours only ever spends time in bed with you on the odd occasion you get together. He has stated quite clearly that he can NEVER forgive you, I am guessing for hurting him in some way, (What I don't know and that is your business), however what I would say is that without the sex with him - how much contact do you have with him throughout the year, do you stay in constant touch i.e. email, text or phone or does he do his thing and you do yours and then just come together once or twice a year for sex?
Yes number 2 you are wimping out on and it is not a long term relationship so I think it is less painful if you come away from that right now. Just clear your head of a relationship that is not going to last once you move to Sheffield.
I think right now sweetheart you may have to widen the areas of work you are looking for, it may not be glamourous or anything else but if it helps to pay off your student loans then just look for anything that allows you to still have time for interviews etc but brings in some level of income, even if it is some bar work or packing shelves in Tesco's/etc just get yourself actively in work as it is always easier to find work once you are in work.
Yes PR and Marketing is a very specialised environment and in this current climate you are up against a lot of people who are probably much more qualified than yourself with many more years of practical experience as well. I should know, I have worked within a design and marketing environment for the last 14 years and prior to that saw my ex in that environment as he is a graphic designer but had previously been employed and then went self employed in 1995 which is when I started to help him out and then joined him full time for the last 10+ years.
The whole industry is currently struggling with printers and large agencies having to slash their budgets and people are just not producing the level of publications and marketing material that they used to do, also from a PR point of view they are not looking to spend money, which is crazy in a lot of ways as it is the people who keep their names at the forefront who ultimately benefit, but if it is a choice of paying staff and surviving or spending ludicrous amounts of money on PR and marketing they always cut out the areas which they believe to be costing them the most.
We have been producing a magazine for the last 7 years and regular advertisers who have been there all that time are now saying that they are waiting till later on in the year to replace advertisements.
Wish you well and let your love life sort itself out as I think you are placing too much importance on that rather than just giving yourself some time to get out of your current situation.
Make the move back to Sheffield and away from your current ex and your whole future could change for the better, together with your love life.
Good luck and keep in touch.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd in response to Country Woman....
I can see where you are coming from with the idea that all I am interested in is sex, my question does seem slightly orientated that way (accidentally of course!). I guess I am just a very sexual person, I enjoy sex and see no harm in expressing myself that way (I am always safe and take precautions). So because I am a sexual person sex becomes quite high up for me on the list of priorities in a relationship - this is partly due to previous relationships where I have been fortunate enough to go out with guys who were really good in bed so I guess I am just used to a pretty high standard?! I know you cant judge someone on how good they are in bed but I still think it shows a lot about their character, and it forms a big part of intimacy in a relatonship. Maybe I do place too much importance on it - so how would I go about changing this?
With regards to sex with Guy 1, it is very rare that this happens (maybe once or twice a year) and only because we have such a connection that I guess we cant help it. We both have said before that when we are together it just feels natural and so right, I know that sounds lame but I guess its just magentisim or chemistry or something? I do know I should stop but its like I said in my question, how do you stop yourself when you know it is the man you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with?
I think you are right on Guy 2, I should end this I just think I am being a bit of a wimp on that one. I can of course survive without a man, I am and always have been very independent. I love my own company, my own space and I am perfectly happy without a man in my life. My problem lies in the fact that I always seem to meet great guys and I always feel that I might be passing on a great opportunity if I dont see where it goes? So many girls have trouble meeting great guys and for some reason I dont have that problem, but I'm always worried that one day my luck will run out and there will be no more great guys and if I pass an opportunity now, would I regret it in the future? I like to live life with no regrets, I would hate to be old oneday thinking "oh I wish I'd given xxxx more of a chance when I was 22!".
It seems that all answers have assumed I am not actively looking for a job, I must have missed something there! But just so you all know, I have applied for over 20 jobs (and I've only known that I was losing my job for 2 weeks now). I spend each day looking for jobs in Sheffield and all over the UK, I dont actually spend much time doing anything else but job hunting! I think I am on the books with every recruitment agency that specialises in marketing and PR, and I have made countless speculative enquiries. I am working very hard at finding a job, it is my number 1 priority. I guess while this part of my life is still so uncertain, I would like to be able to sort my love life out because I hate all this uncertainty! There is nothing I can do about the job situation except to keep on trying and keep my fingers crossed, but I sort of feel like there is maybe something I could do about my love life?
Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to add a little extra in response to Emilysanswers...
I have been applying for jobs all over the UK, I would never put a guy above my career. There are a few other things that are drawing me back to Sheffield - my family all live there, my group of closest friends live there and it would give me a chance to move back in with my parents where I could save some money and pay off my student debts! So there are other reasons for thinking of Sheffield - only problem is there are not many jobs going in Marketing (this is my area of expertise!).
I am only 22 so I cant afford to get a place on my own, this wont be an option for me for another few years I think. And with regards to being single for a while, I was single for a couple of months but I do understand what you are saying...I have always struggled to stay single once I am out of relationships! I just seem to meet great guys and I hate to pass on an opportunity, maybe I am just too nice and I cant say no!
Thanks for your help!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 May 2009):
OK, you want some advice and yes I will give you what I personally feel right now.
OK so you say you are sticking around until your contract is up on your apartment, can understand that.
However, what I don't understand is what the hell are you doing have sex with your ex (guy no. 1), of course he will never see you as anything other than a quick shag to put it bluntly and he has already said he can NEVER forgive you so are you that desperate you would forsake yourself so that you have some glimmer of hope that he might change his mind, sweetheart he is using you and telling you it will NEVER amount to anything. Stop the sex straight away and distance yourself from him. If he truly feels anything for you then make him work for it and try and woo you.
Guy No. 2 - well this sounds like a dead duck before it has really started - you have seen him for a month and you are not attracted to him, the sex is bad and he doesn't actually make any effort when you are out with him, personally I think you are fooling yourself on this one and it would be kinder to tell him that it really isn't working out for you right now. You need to get your head straight and as you are moving home to your parents soon it seems inevitable that things are going to fizzle out. Stop the sex as well as bad sex is worse than no sex, believe me.
Guy no. 3 - well again you have hopped into bed with him a couple of times and yes it seems to me that a lot of your thoughts about these guys is linked to their sexual prowess which is no real way to judge someone's character.
Can you survive without a man for a while as you are still living under the same roof as your current ex not guy no. 1 and I would think it would good to just clear your head of any guy right now and concentrate on what you want to do regarding work etc.
Start getting active with finding out about jobs in Sheffield so that you can try and get some interviews going for when you are back in the area, register yourself with some agencies and also put your CV on www.monster.co.uk or .com whichever one it is as this will get you out there in the potential candidate side of things for any companies who are currently looking to recruit, you need to be a little bit more pro-active on the job front and not concentrate solely on your love life right now.
At the moment from reading your question it seems to me like you have a massive desire for sex and little else, if this is not the case then I apologise but I am only saying what I am reading between the lines.
Concentrate on you for a change and not a man or several as that will totally screw with your head, and start to realise that you are worth so much more than just being a quick screw when and if some of them want to. Make them wait but definitely don't be used by guy. no. 1, guy no. 2 does not sound at all good. Guy 3 could prove himself when you are more local but just because you have previously had sex doesn't mean you can't try for a relationship with him, I think he is probably holding off because you are not exactly local so wait until you are back home again and perhaps settled into a new job. You will be so much more self confident and prove to yourself that you can do things without having the support of a man. Stand on your own and see what the world has to offer you. Then and only then you can let someone get close to you who actually deserves you.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (18 May 2009):
Your love life and your career life are separate.
Do not mix them up and let one influence the other.
I'm not going to advise you on which guy to pick. Personally if you have just come out of a break up then I would be single for a bit and get your life in order first.
Get a job and a place of your own. That is going to be the toughie as there are just not many jobs out there. Apply in more than 2 cities. Apply abroad and everywhere. Get some kind of secure income and then you can have a look at your love life.
You are young and you need to use this time to make leaps and bounds in the job world. Don't tie yourself to a guy till you are ready to compromise a lot.
Good Luck!! xx
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