A
female
age
41-50,
*9agegap
writes:HiI posted a question here sometime back. I am 27, dating S 32 for 7 months already. We are happy together but somehow I feel that we want different things. For one, I want to get married and have kids. I'm willing to sacrifice my career to be a loving wife and mother. On the other hand, his priority in life is not marriage. He wants to concentrate on his career and do what he wants to do. I know he loves me in his own way, despite sometimes I feel that I'm giving in a lot. But he cares and supports me and I do love him. Recently he's taken up a new work opportunity which requires him to move a distance away. Of course this has caused me quite a bit of stress. I try to support him but I have questions like how do we maintain our relationship etc while he on the other hand is perfectly fine with it. He wants a long distance relationship, and proposes that I can move to be with him after a while. At the back of my mind, I'm wondering if I should call it quits or enjoy the ride. After all, I do not want to go through long distance and all the emotional guessing and at the end of the day, he does not want to marry me. He has told me before that he does not know if he'll ever get married. Am I lying to myself by being in this relationship?
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): a lot of men are scared of commitment. its a fact. and its natural for women to be motherly, even if they dont have children. at the moment you may want different things, just carry on for now and see where it goes! have fun while you can and he may come to terms with what you want eventually.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Firstly, seven months of dating does not usually warrant talk of marriage, or moving with someone to another location to be with a man, who has told you he doesn't ever want marriage. If he's planning to move and wants you to make the sacrifice of going to him, eventually..that is a huge committment and life change, on your part. You want assurances and there is none. So I do understand what you are saying and why this topic of a future committment such as marriage, has come up. You are evaluating to see if your partner has the same values and goals as you do. He doesn't, at least not now and he may never have that. You are doing what you are supposed to do...being smart and asking yourself if you and he can go the distance. You are wondering if you both share the same core values. You don't, because if he's told you he's not marriage material..so you are likely asking yourself, why waste any more time on this fellow? Listen, you've invested seven months. and some heartfelt feelings, in this guy. The guy is 32, not 22. He's older and has had some life experience under his belt. By this age, he should have an idea if he wants marriage or not. He told you ...not. There is your answer. So I would think if he was as the 'same page' as you on this, he would be giving you some solid reassurances, like he cares enough to 'discuss marriage as a future possibility' after more time together, say 2 years down the road. He's not doing that.
Dating is a selection process and at your age dating is usually undertaken with a specific goal in mind. we do it to find the person who is best for our future. Who will love us deeply and be a great Father to our kids. If he's stated he not at the same place as you on this, then there is your answer. There is a possibility that if your relationship was allowed to grow and develop, he could change his mind. But if he plans on moving away...then it will be much harder to maintain.
My suggestion: Do not move out there with him. Moving away is a huge life change may be sink or swim time and if he expects you to come out there and commit to a new life with him, he better be able to discuss the possibility of marriage down the road. If he can't...cut him loose. and go find someone who shares your values. Take care, dear and be strong.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 March 2008):
 If a man wants to concentrate on his career, he is over.
You can forget about him .
Even if you marry him ,you will be a lonely wife.
If you want this kind of life, fine.
If not , don't waste your time. You could be on a non stop merry-go -round.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miss-Blonde  +, writes (4 March 2008):
Have a long chat with him about it, maybe he's not ready JUST yet and will change his mind soon.My sister has a boyfriend in Australia and she lives in the UK with me and so far its been going fine and she phones him nearly ever night. Also i have a boyfriend that goes to a different school so we meet up for a few hours every weekend and i phone him every night aswell.So give it a go and meet up with him when you can, then if it doesnt work and he definitly doesnt want a family then stop the relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): I think you have painted a perfect picture in your head but in reality it is quite different. He doesnt want the things that you want, so why are you even trying to compromise. He clearly wants a life of freedom and work away, so what are you supposed to do then. Be there for him when he calls, no way. Life is much too short and i think you will both be unhappy in such a short space of time. I think that you are not totally matched or suited for each other and i personally would want to find someone who was 100% commited to me, not someone who i would like to be. Sorry, but that is my opinion.
take care
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (4 March 2008):
 From what you have said here, I would say yes, you are lying to yourself about the potential of this relationship. He has told you up front that he doesnt think he will ever get married. You are hoping that he will someday see you as so wonderful he will be compelled to marry you even though it wasnt in his life plan. You really cant count on that! Also, you state that he wants a long distance relationship. My current boyfriend has had a lot of long distance relationship, in fact almost exclusively long distance relationships. He loves them! And I will tell you why. Because they are EASY. You get to live your life exactly the way you feel like, working, playing, whatever. You call your love interest once or several times a weeks and say all sorts of lovely things, but you dont have to actually DO anything, just talk about how much you miss them and all the great things you wish you were doing together. You keep on living your independant life! Do you understand what I am saying? Then once every couple months you get together for a weekend or a week and because you hardly ever see them you are able to focus JUST on them for those days and everything is perfect. You are on vacation, real life does not intrude. You dont have to work, pay the bills, take out the garbage, deal with real life in any way! The relationship, the person, and you to the other person, can be absolutely PERFECT then. The problem here though, is it is a fantasy relationship. If you then try to bring the relationship into the real world, it often doesnt make the journey well. When you know someone only in fantasy/vacation/say pretty things on the phone mode, you dont really know them in real life. Now, since you have an actual relationship with him now, the fact that he is moving and you will convert to the long distance relationship MAY work. You do already actually know this person.
...............................
|
