A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been dating for 6 months and we're both in our early 30s. I'm a very responsible, financially stable woman and I pretty much have my shit together. I'm educated and worked hard to get where I am. He dropped out of school when he was 18 and spent most of his 20s partying, doing drugs and apparently having lots of sex. He changed a few years ago and is trying to catch up, going back to school while living at his parents. Anyway, the reason why I'm writing is because every time he talks about his past I get annoyed. He talks very casually about how he used to do heroin, cocaine and ecstasy, how he had tons of sex while on drugs and how he had tons of one night stands meeting girls at parties. How he ended up dating his boss once and did a lot of drugs and sex with her. How he was going to strip clubs and dated a stripper. How he had tons of roommates while living in a tiny apartment in LA. How he once met these 2 girls right off the bus who were looking for a place to stay and who ended up staying with him for 5 months in his apartment. How he had a 3some while on ecstasy -who knows maybe it was the same 2 girls.. - anyway, all this happened between the age of 18 and 25. I could go on and on but basically every time he tells me a story about his past (and especially when it's about his sexual experiences or the heavy drug use) I get very very annoyed. I don't say anything but usually I get mad inside. And I'm not sure why it makes me so upset. He's not this person anymore, at all. I'm not sure if it's because part of me is jealous of the careless worry free life he had. I told him I didn't want to know that he had sex with a huge number of women before me and in situations like that he says that if I had sex with a lot of guys he wouldn't care (yet he knows I didn't). Idk if I'm not open minded here or what but I'd like to have the opinion of my fellows cupiders. Is it normal that I get annoyed by this? I consider myself pretty open minded, in fact I'm dating him despite the fact that he used to be a heroin addict and did some very very bad things in his life. So why am I reacting this way?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Because you sense that if he's bringing it up so often, it's not really over, completely over. People does not like to bring back a past they have completely turned their back on. They do not like to bask in the glory of their past misdeeds, if they have mentally and emotionally detached from their bad guy or bad girl period ;they find no pleasure in revisiting those times, it gives them sadness, sorrow and shame. In fact, you may have the opposite problem, some times it's very difficult for their therapists, conselours, spouses, close friends, to convince them open up about the past.
Your bf may have got over the exterior manifestations of his socially deviant behaviour. Probably for functional reasons, like he woke up and smelled the coffee, like, hey , if I keep going like that, I 'll never be able to keep a job, or to have my own family, or.. to reach my 40s. Which is already a giant step forward, I don't dismiss that.
But obviously in his mind, the model of what's a " cool " , " fun ", " winner " thing to do, is, more or less consciously, the same old sex and drugs and rock and roll. The actions have changed, the mindset and values are still the same.
I think anybody who is sensible and comes from a very different life path, as you did, would feel annoyed and uneasy as you feel, and I also think that you are taking a big risk by continuing your relationship with him. Not just for the risk of a relapse, just because who knows if it will ever really be possible to cover the gap between two so vastly different life visions.
But that's only for you to evaluate.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 January 2012):
Because you sense that if he's bringing it up so often, it's not really over, completely over. People does not like to bring back a past they have completely turned their back on. They do not like to bask in the glory of their past misdeeds, if they have mentally and emotionally detached from their bad guy or bad girl period ;they find no pleasure in revisiting those times, it gives them sadness, sorrow and shame. In fact, you may have the opposite problem, some times it's very difficult for their therapists, conselours, spouses, close friends, to convince them open up about the past.
Your bf may have got over the exterior manifestations of his socially deviant behaviour. Probably for functional reasons, like he woke up and smelled the coffee, like, hey , if I keep going like that, I 'll never be able to keep a job, or to have my own family, or.. to reach my 40s. Which is already a giant step forward, I don't dismiss that.
But obviously in his mind, the model of what's a " cool " , " fun ", " winner " thing to do, is, more or less consciously, the same old sex and drugs and rock and roll. The actions have changed, the mindset and values are still the same.
I think anybody who is sensible and comes from a very different life path, as you did, would feel annoyed and uneasy as you feel, and I also think that you are taking a big risk by continuing your relationship with him. Not just for the risk of a relapse, just because who knows if it will ever really be possible to cover the gap between two so vastly different life visions.
But that's only for you to evaluate.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): I think he's lucky to have you! He obviously trusts you and opens up to you but it's a bit too much info between bf and gf. I hope he has had STI, STD and an HIV test, all that drug use and sex I honestly couldn't be with someone with that past, again he is lucky to have a good person like you hopefully he will strive to organise his life better like you. It's completely understandable you get irritated with his stories, just let him know you don't want to have so much detail about his past now, you get the idea!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (24 January 2012):
 I'll be honest, it takes guts to date a guy with this kind of a past.
Your reactions are normal OP, anyone would get mad listening to this nonsense. But the thing is, its YOUR decision to date him. His past will always be a part of him, its not something you can ever take away from him. It will also keep coming up in conversations, because we do tend to talk about things that we regret, either with complete strangers or with people we are closest to. We bare our hearts here at DC with complete strangers because of the anonymity and the fact that we know no one is going to judge us. The only other people we can do it with, is our closest confidante. Maybe your boyfriend sees you as someone with whom he can talk about his past. Either that, or he's just a jerk who's getting thrills out of telling you these gory tales! Most likely its the former. The fact that you dont react to him, makes him feel that you are fine with the thread of conversation, and that's why he opens up even more.
The next time he starts talking about this, just tell him that you are not in the least interested in listening to his stories. You know enough and its about time he left all this behind. Just because you dont say anything doesnt mean you enjoy it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): It sounds like he has nothing else to refer to in his past. It is nothing to be proud of. He needs to look at today and tomorrow if he wants to be with you. If he wants a future with you tell him if he needs to talk about his seedy sexual conquests to see a counsellor to confess. It would turn my stomach. I would not bring up my sexual past and rub my boyfriends nose in it would you? He doesn't have a past fo be proud of so tell him it doesn't impress you it turns you off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): "So why am I reacting this way?"
Because he is inadvertently warning you of continuing ongoing internal problems, and you are realizing this may recur. Even after "cleaning up" and getting married, being apparently stable, and having kids. These types of behaviors are unusual, that is what you are saying that he describes, engaged in by only a very small percentage of the population.
They are, and no offense to anyone reading this, without exception, due to serious underlying psychological and social issues that these people are struggling with.
I have known many a person who has struggled with this. My wife included.
Relapse is the norm, and cycling is the norm. If he is not in long term treatment/maintenance (like narcotics anonymous, alcoholics anonymous) then you need to be aware that the likelihood that he will relapse is very, very, very high.
As many people in serious treatment will say, their "forgetter" works really well. They don't remember all the trauma, the pain, the terrible stuff they did and that was done to them, they go back to remembering the "great times", which you find are not so great on close inspection, not so great at all.
People who talk about these "great times", are not dealing with their problems, not acknowledging the damage that was done to them as well as others.
I know more recovered addicts, alcoholics, and others with psychological issues than I can count because of the work that I do.
One of my friends confessed to me one day that she was a long recovered heroin addict, and she never told me how great it was...she told me about the damage it had done.
My wife wasn't that person either, we were married for 10 years or so, had kids, then the old memories started to pain her, and she started using alcohol and marijuana to forget it...in secret. She went out of control quite quickly. The damage was terrible in the marriage, she's never gotten over it. She goes to AA meetings twice a week now, has for a long time and goes to counseling weekly now.
A friend of mine, who had a "wild 20's", nearly drank herself to death 2 years ago, and probably still wants to die. Men and women, no difference.
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