A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this man for three years taking care of his teenage son, cooking, cleaning, helping feed and so on, with the understanding when he turned eighteen this man and i would be alone. now i find he's going to be underfoot till who knows when. This teenager has no respect for me at all he keeps his room a mess, seals lies and does nothing to help out, if he does do something it winds up causing me more work in the long run, he wont even bring his dirty dishes or the things he wears out of his room. I'm almost 51 years old and shouldn't have to pick up after him the way I do. For three years ive not had a break from him, the one time we did go on vacation we had to drag him along, I'm beginning to believe that i should find a place of my own and that I'm just being used to clean and cook and help pay bills, what do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you all for your feedback,just to enlighten you all this boys father is full aware of whats going on we have both talked to him time and time again.yesterday he came in from school and was told by me that he wasnt getting in the house unless he cleaned his room, he did so nbut like all the times before hell do good for a while,then hell start back in.this boys father is good to my kids and given them a place to live and he does all he can to help them they dont live here now but have in the past.ive tryed to be there for his son tried to teach him right from wrong his mother doesnt have anything what so ever to do with him and i feel sorry for him.i just want him to start taking on more responceabilty and stop treating our home like its some crash pad or leave,his father works seven days a week and the boy has anything he could ask for,but as i said he shows no respect for his father or myself.what makes him this way? and what can we do to bring him out of it? the boy cant make it on his own and really has no place else to go,i love him and love his father but i really am getting fed up,i just want to get him to work with us as a family and to quit useing the both of us,most all our problems come from dealing with our kids im open to any advice you may have thanks to all of you that have responded
A
female
reader, dreamy17 +, writes (3 February 2010):
If you continue to do these things, hes gonna take advantage of you and expect you to ALWAYS do it. He figures "Oh i dont care if i make a mess, she will pick it up eventually" Does his father know about these things? If not, you should bring it to his attention. I think his father should sit him down and set him straight, he needs to have respect for you and the home. And if that doesn't work.. just stop cleaning up after him, eventually he wont be able to walk into or find anything in his room so he will have no choice but to clean it himself. Tell him if he wants to live like a pig, to go live up the farm where he belongs. If you keep these things up.. your gonna end up having a breakdown, and or your gonna snap, and it wont be pretty.
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female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Your partner needs to adress some issues with his son.
As, for expecting him to be gone at 18. Did your guy actually tell you that he was gunna boot his son out at 18? If not, then I don't know why you would have neccessarily expected him to be gone. If he did say he would, then I would question your own security if with a man who would pre plan to kick his own kid out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 February 2010):
 What does "this man" say about the situation? You certainly sound angry and upset and fed up; have you communicated that to both of them?
Perhaps it's time for a house meeting, discuss the cleaning/cooking/bills situation with everyone who lives under the roof. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then are you really certain you are with the right man?
I would certainly stop doing any laundry for the teenager; he's old enough to do his own. If he leaves a load of clothing in the washing machine and never moves it to the dryer, just pull it out, leave it on top of the washing machine and carry on with your own loads.
It sounds as though there's a power struggle going on; you have to determine what you are willing to tolerate. This man's son is going to be in his life forever, one way or another, you cannot expect zero contact. That being said, you are entitled to couple time with your man too. So where's the balance? That's what you have to determine for yourself and as a couple and as a group. It sounds to me as though the teenager is waging a battle against you and he is winning because you allow yourself to react as he intends. Change your tack, change your attitude and don't allow yourself to be turned into maid/cook/house servant for someone who is old enough to do it himself.
Try to stay calm, serene, rise above fights and petty displays. If he steals from you, call the police.
Maybe it might not be a bad idea to call in a family counselor to help this blended family become more functional and to deal with the lying/stealing/lack of respect and support you are faced with.
Talk to "this man" first, without anger, about your disappointment at this revelation that you will not have him all to yourself as you had initially believed.
You always have the option to leave, but if you are financially intertwined with 'this man', I would suggest you consult an attorney to make sure you aren't hurting yourself financially as you do separate from him. One session with an attorney seems to me to be more than enough time to determine your rights and what the best course of action would be should the situation deteriorate to the point that you have to leave.
Good luck.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 February 2010):
Genuinely, you're too good for this mess. Ultimatum time. Tell your husband something has to be done about his son, or tell him goodbye.
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (2 February 2010):
 Its not your responsabilities to do all this mess. At this age you deserve to be relax and happy living. If this is what this Man can offer for you for a living, better leave them alone with their mess and live your life happy with peace. Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (2 February 2010):
At 51 you should be relaxing and enjoying life with all of the kids now out of the house. Basically you are a free maid who also pays bills. Firstly, stop paying bills or making any financial contribution. Just come up with a story about someone who you owe or something and start putting that money away into an emergency fund. Secondly, stop cleaning up after him. I know you may be fastidious and it may bother you that there is trash inside his room. Leave it. Dont clean up after him for a couple of weeks. If he asks just say its now his responsibility. Ofcourse he will never leave home if he has it all done for him. All kids leave home because they are frustrated by their parents. So give everyone duties to do on a daily basis and a dinner roster. Nothing hectic, just be off duty a couple of nights a week and stick to it. They can starve for all you care. If all fails then move out, but this is a last resort as your relationship is otherwise ok besides the pigs.
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A
male
reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (2 February 2010):
 tell this man that something has to be done about his kid or you're leaving.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Stop cleaning up his mess? Its not yours and he's by far old enough to clean up his own room. If he chooses to live in a dumpster with dirty clothes and food rotting on plates under his bed, let him. And leave it to his father to yell at him for being a pig.
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