A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really not crazy about the way I look and I'm trying to find a girlfriend. I've never had one before nor even kissed a girl. I feel that something is stopping me. I'm a nice guy, and outgoing, the problem is that I am very insecure when it comes to my looks. I'm a bit overweight, but I have lost 40 pounds since January and I still continue to lose it. I am also an actor which adds more pressure. You see, I know that girls like a really handsome guy. And they wouldn't mind if he's hot. I don't consider myself ugly at all, I just wish I was thinner. I think if I was thinner, my confidence would be better. My question is, will this make much of a difference? And how can I get over this insecurity I seem to have?
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confidence, insecure, lose weight, overweight Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): Instead of concentrating on how other people see you, concentrate on just being happy doing what you're doing! If you want to lose weight you can, but I know a lot of girls who prefer guys who actually have a bit of squidge, rather than skinny twigs or men who love the gym more than they love their girlfriend. And the girls I know that prefer the skinny guys are conceited and often cheat (but I'm not making any generalisations!). I bet there's someone you know who fancies the pants off you but just hasn't told you!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Yes, confidence makes a huge difference. Not that girls can spot you being insecure right away unless you've got a special talent for it. I've dated guys that on the surface were secure, but after getting to know them better huge insecurity issues and self esteem issues come to the surface, and ends up ruining what could have been a nice relationship. Insecurities often cause a man, in my experience, to do one or more of the following:
Place restrictions on his girl (as in what she can wear, what she can do, how close she can sit to someone else etc).
Pity himself, so that the girl gets emotionally drained trying to constantly convince him he is attractive to her. Being hobby shrink is tiresome, and is sure to end any relationship and kill the romance.
Focus on himself excessively. Everything is about him, Attention needs to be on him or else he goes into self pity mode. When arguing, he also immediately gets offended thinking its about him, and that everything is an accusation etc. He fails to see the real problem because he is too focused on himself and his own insecurities.
He lies. He lies to make himself feel better, and to appear as better than he is in front of others. Lies are destructive, and will surely end a relationship. They get extremely tiresome, and are so unnecessary!
He is unsure about where he is going in life, as he doesn't have the security to make his own decisions. So he constantly follows what he thinks others want him to do, or what his friends do. Too late he discovers it wasn't what he wanted, then makes the 180 flip around which will hurt everyone who is close to him.
Well, this is just some of what I've experienced when it comes to insecurities. Your looks really have no say in this. Your insecurity about yourself however will be the thing standing in your way when it comes to relationships.
Girls like a handsome guy, sure, but who are you to judge what this or that girl prefers? If she ends up liking you and feeling attracted towards you you just have to trust that she DOES feel an attraction towards you, and leave it at that. Self esteem is something you work on getting by yourself however, don't lean on to any potential girlfriend for a sense of self worth. Don't grade yourself according to others.
Thin people have self esteem issues just like any other person, this isn't necessarily dependent on your weight. But, for health reasons, do watch what you eat and continue to lose weight so you can have an active and healthy lifestyle, and be able to enjoy your body to the fullest.
Remember the most important thing here: enjoy yourself! Do things that YOU enjoy, things that will make you laugh, feel alive. You only live once, and you're young, so this is the time to do the things you want and not sit at home worrying what others will think of you.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 do you know what your BMI is? but also remember, some people have more muscle content though so you cannot really judge your body just by what a set of scales say. if you are sure that you are overweight, and get the opinion of a couple of trusted family members or good friends to confirm this or not, then yes, carry on with your weight loss plan.
being a healthy weight will help you attract a wider range of women and acting jobs. more importantly the positive effect it will have on your health and your confidence.
so, eat healthy wholesome food and get at least half and hours exercise daily, even a brisk walk is good, swimming is great if you can. and this will help you not just physically but mentally too
x
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A
male
reader, dominic pusel  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 you lack confidence in yourself and that's what's killing you, be proud of you weight, treat yourself with pride, most people are out there dying to be like you, have you asked a girl out and she turned you down because of you weight? Be mature my brother, think possitive and before long things will begin to move as desired.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Dude! Seems to me that a hefty percentage of females in America are quite overweight. Look around! Even young ones are going hefty. So, why worry?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Congratulations on losing 40 pounds. That shows commitment, drive and energy to meet goals. Any girl ought to be impressed about that magnificient effort.And you are not ugly in your opinion. Another plus for you.And you are an actor so sometimes you may have to put on a confident face even if you do have some doubts - though you should not have doubts. There are possibly girls out there who already like you, but you just have not realised it yet.First and foremost you have to like you. Value you and think good things about you. Liking you and valuing you for your good qualities is the first step towards improving your self confidence. And you are correct - there are confident guys out there who easily get any girl they approach, even though their looks are average. But they feel good about themselves and this inspires confidence in others.I mean if he likes who he is, then surely he knows himself better than anyone, so, ergo, he must be a great guy.If required use affirmations every day to remind you of your good qualities and when you go to bed at night say to yourself, 'Good night (your name) you are a really Great Guy". After 6 weeks you may even start to believe in yourself a little more. Losing weight and improving your fitness will help a bit. Maintaining that level of fitness and continuing to do lots of outside activities and get exercise is even better - that way you will meet other girls doing the same.But if you do not value you and value your good traits then if will not matter if you look like an Adonis or not.Poor self esteem and lower than it should be self confidence will hinder your efforts to get to know others better.Also love life and try to think with a positive focus.People who are very negative can be exhausting and draining. Trying to keep a positive focus will help you and make other people feel good too.You are welcome to check out the following article.Best of luck with your quest to value who you are more. I hope the ladies start appearing everywhere in your life - then 'choice' will be something you may have to address !!http://www.dearcupid.org/question/tunnel-vision-positive-thinking---used-to.html
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