A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i have a friend who she is always in a relationship with a very abusive boyfriend. she has always cam crawling to me and some of her other friends for help. now one time or two times and they break up is fine but this now the 10th time with the same guy. she has lost the support of her friends and now i feel like im her only becon of hope. she keeps telling me how abusive he is and how horrible their relationship is and i always try my best to help her the way i can. i even tried asking her out so she can get away from him. but she always goes back to him because she "loves him". and it happens all over again.and i just don't know what to do anymore. so please tell me some advise on how to help her out she is a very dear friend to me. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 August 2011):
Unfortunately you probably can't do anything more to help her, she has to want to help herself. All you can do is stay in contact with her so that if and when she finally decides to help herself, she has the support she will need.
Learn to care about her by not letting what she does or doesn't do affect how you relate to her. In other words, care for her by not caring what she does or doesn't do. There's a difference.
You see, obviously everyone cares about her and therefore wants her to leave her abusive bf. it is for her own good to leave him, and staying with him is destroying her.
But when time after time she doesn't leave, her friends eventually get frustrated and give up and abandon her. Why? because THEY can't stand to see her like this. THEY hate how THEY feel when THEY see her suffering and refusing THEIR help. Her friends probably wanted to save he, and she resisted their efforts so they feel frustrated and maybe angry as well. They feel like they are not getting any return on their emotional investment in her situation.
Isn't that the case? people say "I'm not going to waste any more of my time or energy since she never listens to what I say so why bother." or "I don't understand how to make her see that she needs to leave her bf."..the thing is, you can't "make" someone see anything. They have to see it for themselves, on their own.
Friends and family of people in abusive relationships are like this frequently, it's natural because they do care and thus it's distressing and worrisome for them to see their loved one in this situation. Many people believe that if you love someone you don't "let" them carry on like this. But ultimately if friends and family give up in frustration, it's because of their own need for her to leave her abusive bf so that THEY will feel better about her situation. Yes they do care about her for her sake, of course they do. But when they give up on her, it's because THEY wanted a certain outcome and can't emotionally handle not getting it.
You should continue to be her friend but without trying to fix her or save her. You need to be willing to continue seeing her "like this", and not let it diminish your acceptance of her, not doing anything about her situation, without getting upset or frustrated or disappointed at her. Yes you can continue to offer advice and support, but be very careful to judge when and how you do it so that it's in her interest not yours.
Some times when people in abusive relationships feel abandoned, it's not just because their abusive partner has cut off their contact with the outside world to control them. It's also because whenever they DO see people who love them, all they get is an earful and lecturing and blaming about how wrong and weak they are to still be in this situation and how they should do this and that, all they get is being bossed around. Who wants to stay in contact with people who make you feel even worse than you already do?
therefore, continue to be her friend by offering your support, but don't try to save her or fix her. Let her know that you will help her in any way you can, IF and WHEN she asks for your help. Somewhere inside her there may be a small voice telling her she needs to leave her bf. That voice has to grow stronger inside her on its own, however long it takes. It won't get stronger from external pressure. but when people eventually decide on their own to leave their abusive relationship, then that is when their emotional strength is genuine, the kind of strength that is needed to follow through with the decision. Otherwise, if they leave only due to friends and family swooping in and whisking them away against their will but not of their own effort, then what happens is they may got right back to the abusive relationship at the first opportunity, because they were not ready to leave in the first place.
Now if there is an immediate crisis you may have to intervene, for example if her bf is beating her up or if your friend is suicidal you have to get her to a place of safety immediately no questions asked, and call the police on him. But that's a very different and a short term issue. That has to do with an immediate situation. She may still choose to go back to him after he gets out of jail for beating her up, for example. When it comes to her long term decision of staying or leaving the relationship, all you can do to maximize your support for her is step back and let her do her own thing and come to her own conclusions however long that takes and at whatever personal cost to her.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 August 2011):
 No one can help someone who refuses to help themselves. I guess all you can do is wait until she hits rock bottom, lands in the hospital, or maybe even worse. She has to decide to get out. But you also have a life to live, you can be there for her but don't let it cause you to put your own life on the back burner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): Abusive relationships are hard, as they generally demoralise the person being abused until they think they don't deserve any better, which is not true. It's very hard to break the cycle and find courage to leave them for good, I was in one and it was very difficult to leave. The worst part is that apart from being there for here and not abandoning her, there isn't much you can do until she can find the courage within herself to leave. My best friend helped me by being there when everyone else gave up on me, and by providing me with literature and support. She says she loves him, because she has never experienced what real love is about (which was true for me when I was in the same situation). If everyone gives up on her, she may not be able ever get away from this horrible man. I find it admirable that you want to help her out of this situation. I would contact some shelters or abuse center's in the area and get some information and advice from them. Also if she could meet someone who has left an abusive relationship successfully, it may help her, I know that it helped me. I hope this has helped in some way and good luck. I admire that you want to help your friend, it's a wonderful thing to do.
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