A
female
age
51-59,
*urtandoverwhelmed
writes:I reconnected with an old boyfriend I dated 25 years ago. When we reconnected at the time, he was dating someone from another country. He ended it when we started dating. We have been living together for 6 months now and I have been raising his 3 kids and now I have found out that he had strung her along at the beginning of our relationship making plans to meet her and not telling her we were dating until a few months later and even though she knows about me now and that we are living together, she is continually sending texts and emails about how much she loves him. He has been replying and sometimes, he tells her he loves her and always will, he misses her etc. I have read some of the emails and texts when he hasn't been around. I am so hurt and he keeps saying he chose me and is with me and that he loves me but I question if he is only with me for I am in the same country as him and he knows how much I have loved him and I am only a second choice. I am wanting to know if I have anything to worry about. Its making me sick to my stomach thinking that he will leave me. This is someone I have loved and missed for 25 years. And I just don't know what to do..
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 Sorry, but what seems clear to me is that you shouldn't be with this man. He's been very dishonest with both women. I don't think he has any real feelings for any of you.
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (1 March 2011):
 "I have been on my own for 15 years for I was in a really bad abusive marriage. He has been the only once since I have taken a chance on" I understand. I was divorced in 1995 and 2010 I became engaged. In between I wasn't engaged or married. Taking chances like this can be very frightening and if you're not careful even paralyzing."Do I allow it and let it go knowing that the ex is in a different country and there is no chance of them seeing each other?""I just don't know what to do and now there are kids involved that I love very much." Could it be you don't know what to do because kids are involved? So you are 'tied' to this man and his children also. Do you feel by rejecting this man you would be rejecting his children also? This is very hard."Do I allow it and let it go knowing that the ex is in a different country and there is no chance of them seeing each other?" I wouldn't 'let it go' but I wouldn't hold on to it for too long either. The fact the ex is in a different country I'm sure gives you some sense of relief. But still he did what he did and you found out. For me, the only way I would go forward is if he promised to stop all contact with this person and there was some way he could prove to you she is out of his life for good. I don't know how else to say it -- stand your ground, be firm and he will cave.
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A
female
reader, hurtandoverwhelmed +, writes (1 March 2011):
hurtandoverwhelmed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found the information on what he was saying on his cell phone. they had been texting. I was able to find what she would say but he deleted his sent stuff all the time. Yesterday I opened up his computer and he left his email open and I read the emails. I know it was wrong to do but there are some days, he is very loving and then there are days he is not and I had a funny feeling. I am just plain ol overwhelmed. I have been on my own for 15 years for I was in a really bad abusive marriage. He has been the only once since I have taken a chance on and now I just don't know what to do and now there are kids involved that I love very much. Do I allow it and let it go knowing that the ex is in a different country and there is no chance of them seeing each other??
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A
female
reader, TEM  +, writes (1 March 2011):
 I think "her" is the girlfriend that he was going out with that lives in another country. It appears that he never broke it off with her, but he told you he had. You know this is not good news.I am sorry this is happening to you. I know he is special to you because he is an old flame, and I think you thought you were as special to him. I'm sorry, but by what you have presented here I would say the man is playing both of you. I don't know which is the "first choice" and which is the "second." It is hard to say, but it doesn't really matter, as he is two-timing both of you. The weird thing is, that I don't think he will leave you. It appears that he is having his cake and eating it too. Add to that, the fact that you are raising his three children and he has quite a nice thing going.You must decide if this is the kind of life you want. Are you willing to put up with this? That is all that matters. It is a very hurtful situation. I'm afraid he is not the man you thought he was. It is up to you to decide whether or not to stay.
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A
female
reader, hurtandoverwhelmed +, writes (1 March 2011):
hurtandoverwhelmed is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorry. Her is his ex girlfriend that he dated before me.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 March 2011):
 Who is her?
It's necessary information.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): you are a human being, not some thing for entertainment, if he leaves her for you THATS what is supposed to happen, not him being with you and telling her something too. just leave him and find someone who not only deserves you but acctually loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): this guy is a user. you don't deserve to be treated this way by anyone and if he is saying one thing to your face and another behind your back then not only is he two faced but he probably wants some feminine company where you are and then when he leaves he'll go back to her and probably send you the same emails. if you're happy with this relationship style then stick to it if you must, all you have to lose is him, and if he leaves he wasn't really true to you was he? so if you want him then confront him about it and say clearly that it's you or her, if he says you but continues with her behind your back, kick him to the curb. there are currently three people in your relationship, not a good style to have. hope you figure something out that works :) x
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (1 March 2011):
"He has been replying and sometimes, he tells her he loves her and always will, he misses her etc." I don't know what this guy is thinking by doing this. If he's doing this out of guilt he should stop. Again, I don't know why he's doing this. How did you find these emails and texts?
"Its making me sick to my stomach thinking that he will leave me." Who knows what the future will bring? I think as time goes by he might just fall deeper and deeper in love with you and one day you'll both be able to look back at this and share a laugh. I'm 47 and for people at this stage in life it means a lot he and his 3 children are living with you. I wish you all the best!
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