A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I am a mid-20 year old guy who has never been in a real relationship (kissing, etc,) with either a girl or a guy... however, I have been aware over the past several years that I am primarily attracted to men. Over the past two months, I have been hanging out with/dating a guy that contacted me on a dating site. I did go on a few dates with other people at first, however, was honest with them in that I was not interested any further. This guy I mentioned above seems(seemed) like a real winner. We talked back and forth via text, with him saying he hopes I am having a nice day, etc. Each time we go out, he either buys me food, or I cover the bill- we hold the door open for one another, and have gone on a few walks. We have also purchased one another Christmas gifts which have yet to be exchanged. I really like him. My problem is that I have told him as such a month ago via text... his response was, "honesty is the best policy." Around the same time I aslo asked if it would be awkward if I kissed him before leaving his house. He said I was funny and no, it wasn't awkward... just he had a lot going on b/c a female friend of his was getting divorced... and the he would like to kiss me soon hopefully ;). He has had a bad cold since then, though. It has been about eight nice dates with Christmas gifts. I asked him if he would spend New Years with me... he said he would check if his parents are having a party- if not, then he assumed yes. Upon logging onto the dating site to actually blank out my profile since I do like him, I noticed he was online. When I asked, he said he was answering someone's question to him. I told him online that I am enjoying getting to know him... he responded with 'I'm glad we are becoming good friends. I like it a lot.' Curious, I asked if this meant he only wanted to be friends... his answer- "um, I dunno... I only prefer to be friends with people before getting any further." I said that I didn't want my feelings hurt. He said the same thing (?). I said it wasn't my intention and he said he knows that. I told him that I really only have an interest in him and not anyone else. He smiled back. However, he then agreed to still get together this Sunday for food, whatever. My question is this- does this guy actually like me or want to get to know me, or not? Is he going online and hanging out with other people (his profile says looking for friends)... using me as an option? I'm pretty old fashioned and don't like the thought of that. All of my friends say to ask him up front in person what is going on between us this Sunday. It hurts that he replies so vaguely to my heart-felt statements... Thanks :)
View related questions:
christmas, divorce, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks, rivi!
I appreciate your honest concern.
It seems like there are three options/ways I can approach this that people have been telling me-
1. It seems like all is fine- he just is taking it slow, and knows already that I like him.
2. Hang out with him now just as friends and give him no more commitment than he gives me... and also I should try to see other people.
3. Have nothing to do with him.
-------
my reactions to those points-
1. Sure, but he also may be dishonest... and still hasn't said how long 'taking it slow' means, and if he thinks anything will come out of this for us at all.
2. Sounds okay... but just being friends, I don't know if I could handle... and also dating more than one person is confusing and painful for me, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by leading them on.
3. I guess- however, when we do hang out, I feel fine and like him at least up until this point.
I guess I have some thinking to do. But not too much.
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (17 December 2010):
I think you should totally back off and out of this one.
Accept he clearly does not have anything like the same feelings for you.
Go looking for other men.
Leave off any form of contact with him. You're just torturing yourself. To zero benefit to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone!
Thank you or all of the kind and fast responses.
I decided to take the liberty to call him tonight. I first texted him and asked if he got my online message from last night- he said he didn't go on yet today (which he, I assume, lied... as his profile said he had been on today.)
Anyways, I started out the conversation in a general sort of way- hi how are you, etc. He told me his family is doing New Years, so I decided I will make other plans w/o him. I told him that I hoped my conversation wasn't awkard the other night- that I do have interest in him. He said it wasn't awkward- why should it be?
When I asked him if how he was feeling was the same, because I have been a bit confused from his messages, he said that I need to understand that he takes things really really slow. He has been burned in the past, etc. I said that I understand that-- and that I don't want him to feel like I am pushing him- he said it kinda was frustrating to hear, since it seems like I don't understand his take on our 'hanging out.'
I did clarify and say that I haven't been in a relationship before, never had sex, and wasn't trying to rush anything physical like that... just wanted to know if he would eventually feel the same, since I don't want to be hurt.
He explained that there isn't really a difference with his friends and a relationship- he has been enjoying getting to know me likewise- but he takes things slow to protect himself and also re-evaluate things as time goes by on a daily basis. He also said that he knows we haven't really hung out a whole lot since he has only one or two days max a week to do things (he is a teacher,) and that it would hopefully change in time with more free days.
I told him that I would be definately willing to continue hanging out with him and getting to know him.. that I don't want to rush if he isn't ready... but that I would eventually like to date. He said he understands.
I apologized to him if I made him feel uncomfortable or stressed... he said that it was okay and I am who I am... but also that the situation, not me, was a little uncomfortable. He also apologized to me and said that he has no intention of causing me pain or hard feelings if he has been a bit slow or not as clear as I hope. We both accepted e/o's sides and apologies... and also agreed to still get together on Sunday. He did say for me to have a goodnight, as well.
----------------------
So- any more opinions? Does it seem like he is telling the truth in the whole 'take it slow,' thing? I do feel a bit more relieved than previously... however, I still do not want to get hurt in the long run. Also, your thoughts on him maybe lying about the email?
Thanks again!
...............................
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (16 December 2010):
If he wanted to have sex with you it would have happened by now, let along kissing.
Accept it is not going to happen with him and look elsewhere for a proper boyfriend.
I would say don't even see him again on 'dates' - it will just prolong the agony for you.
He has been fair with you : has not deceived you - he's just trying to not be too brutal in conveying to you that he is not attracted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Sounds like he really likes you as a friend but doesn't want to move too quickly, or make it exclusive. You could ask him though. He may have been waiting for the same conversation. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, CJH  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 Its sounds very much to me like you are both operating at a very different pace. If you want the truth, my own feeling is that this guy has got the balance right and youre overcomplicating things by rushing. If you and he are meant to be, it will happen in good time.
The big danger here is that you scare him away by becoming too full on too quickly! Sure, tell him youre only interested in seeing him and that you`d love it if he could say the same but whatever you do, accept him for who he is rather than who you need him to be.
Sunday does sound like a great opportunity to talk things through and get some answers. This relationship, so far, seems to be building nicely and the things this guy has said to date seem fair enough to me.
Have an honest conversation with him and make your feelings clear but dont try to force his hand in any way. If he can give you everything fantastic if he cant right away? Its a judgement call on your part.
Let us know how you get on?
...............................
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (16 December 2010):
 After reading what you wrote, very carefully. It looks to me like he respects you as a friend at the moment. He has probably got other friends as well and I think if you are expecting him to be exclusive with you that may not happen for a while if at all. Only time will tell and getting to know each other more. He sounds also that he is aware of your situation and is not pushing you into anything but letting you take the lead. Only by seeing him more and talkingmore will yo know how the land lies. Good Luck!
...............................
|
