A
male
age
51-59,
*ashtal
writes:I have talked about my situation before but will give a bit of context. My ex left me 5 months ago for another man claiming that although she was still in love with me she had major issues with my family, especially my mother, ex-wife and daughter adn the dynamics of the whole situation were wearing her down.I discovered that she had been seeing another man although she had denied this quite a few times. My anger and response was frankly regrettable, suffice to say that it involved emails and an initial attempt to break the relationship with this man up. Looking back now I can see that I am had convinced myself that her infidelity meant that the realtionship with this man was illegitimate in my eyes. Anyway, I learnt a lot from this experience.Over the last five months my ex and myself have been in touch through FB, emails and the occasional drink/coffee. It's all been very good-natured but I have been concerned (quietly) with her then-boyfriend as they did not seem to share anything in common. She mentioned that she was enjoying the fact that he was so different to her. I personally thought that was an exciting prospect for a short-term relationship. During those 5 months I have been dating many women but inevitably have not found anyone who I have the same rapport and affinity with as I had with my ex.Just two weeks ago I got a text from my ex telling me that her boyfriend had left her, citing his awkwardness with my interference during March, some four months earlier. This seemed odd as if that were to be an issue it would have had a deleterious effect at the time not four months later when I had had no involvement at all. On probing her it transpired that it was more to do with his work commitments.Just before her boyfriend left her my ex started slipping into depression again. I could see it coming gradually and was giving her my support. We had arranged, coincidentally, some months before, to attend a festival together. The festival was last weekend and, despite her being on medication, she travelled the two hours to London to join me. I could immediately see that she was in a bad state. She described the panic attach on the train up. We spent six or seven hours together, had a nice lunch and reestablished our rapport somewhat. When it came to me mentioning any of the women I had dated she told me she didn't "give a shit" but then added that she didn't "give a shit about anything". Upon leaving to the train she broke down in tears.Over the last week I have been trying to support her just through texting and calling her once or twice. She has been signed off work. Obviously, I still love her and do wish to work things out eventually; the problem is the strain of keeping my feelings under wraps while being a good friend and offering emotional support. I don't even know if she wants my support.I suppose the main question from all of this is that in giving my support now amd I just helping her back to health so that she can then go out and find someone new? Perhaps this is the time to back off completely as she has not had the chance to consider missing me/our relationship.
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ex-wife, infidelity, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): wait a minute - your decision over whether to continue supporting her or to leave her alone is based on whether the outcome is that she'll come back to you or go off to find someone new? Your desire to help is conditional - only if it means she'll get back with you.A true spirit of giving is selflessness - you give because you don't expect anything in return. If you do expect something in return then you're not in a position to give in the first place and better to just admit that and not give. another thing is that this woman obviously has depression that needs medical treatment. You can't really do anything about that.
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (4 August 2011):
 My ex left me 5 months ago for another man
REAS0NS issues with my family, especially my mother, ex-wife and daughter
discovered AFTER SHE WAS seeing another man AND LIED/DENIED IT
yOU TRIED TO to break the relationship with this man up.
During those 5 months I have been dating many women but inevitably have not found anyone who I have the same rapport and affinity with as I had with my ex.
Just two weeks ago I got a text from my ex telling me that her boyfriend had left her, citing his awkwardness with my interference during March, some four months earlier.
it was more to do with his work commitments.
(BLAMED YOU AGAIN)
BEFORE BREAKUP WITH BF HIT INTO DEPRESSION...ATTENDED FESTIVAL PANIC ATTACK
When it came to me mentioning any of the women I had dated she told me she didn't "give a shit" but then added that she didn't "give a shit about anything". Upon leaving to the train she broke down in tears.
keeping my feelings under wraps while being a good friend and offering emotional support. I don't even know if she wants my support.
I suppose the main question from all of this is that in giving my support now amd I just helping her back to health so that she can then go out and find someone new? Perhaps this is the time to back off completely as she has not had the chance to consider missing me/our relationship.
I think you answered your OWN question there. You ex GF is a mess and needs to fix her OWN MESS. You are quickly slipping into a codependant situation with her.
Her past history is the greatest sign of future behavior with you. She has lied to you and blamed you for her own poor decisions and emotions. She has blamed you for the demise of her relationship with the man she left you for.
Technically, is that not called CHEATING? She cheated on this man while with you, and then she has the never to blame you for that breakup, citing that he was uncomfortable with YOUR influence. (Kettle meet Pot, Pot meet Kettle!)
You have obviously moved on to exploring relationships with other women, but claim they do not have the same rapport as the ex. Ok...figure out what the ESSENSE of that rapport is in that relationship. Is it such an amazingly rare charachteristic that you could not possibly find it anywhere else? If you found it once, you can find it again.
Admit to yourself that the real reason you are hanging around the ex, is because you are hoping she will get well again and have a healthy relationship with you. You are not really around to be a friend are you?
If she really EVER cares about another person again, it should be for the right reasons.
I would say it is best for YOUR sake and HERS in the end, to back off and take care of your own emotional well-being by going out with people who are NOT an emotional black hole.
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A
male
reader, eek +, writes (4 August 2011):
 yes she is. Your like me the sort of guy that no matter what someone has done to you, you will be there and support them. Dont get your hopes up. Your familia she knows you and that she is safe with you. She also knows you will support her when need. Its most likely that as soon as she is sorted she will leave again giving some week excuse.
Sorry to sound negative but my answer comes from personal experience.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): She is hard work and will be emotionaly draining. Dont waste your time on her.
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A
female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (4 August 2011):
Sadly, I think you are giving more than you are receiving. I would advise you to seek a more fulfilling and mutually beneficial relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): look,forget about what you are here asking. stay away from this woman. she is not interested in you,only herself.
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