A
female
age
,
*LICAT
writes:A few months ago, an old boyfriend came back into my life. I have known this man for 22 years. We've dated off and on, but not seriously. Before I had other relationships while dating him. I never had sex with him until recently. Now, I'm feeling emotionally involved, whereas before it never bothered me when he stopped calling me.Basically, I feel I'm hooked on this guy now. He waited until dating for about three months to tell me he was still getting over his ex..who was only 29 years old. He's 54 and I'm 52. He gave me lots of details about their relationship...way too much information..such as the expensive gifts he bought her and how he spoiled her. He said she cheated on him, as have all of his ex-girlfriends. He said he loved her and that she was very beautiful. I was very hurt by this. After all, he never said he loved me and never bought me gifts. He drove a long distance to be with her. Yet, we live only 5 miles apart and it seems he's too busy to see me very much lately.I'm getting mixed messages from this man. He tells me that he wants a long-term relationship with me..one different than before. He says that he's just busy with work or he's tired when he cancels dates..time after time. He seldom calls me, but sends lots of texts to my cell phone. I tend to panic if I don't hear from him. I feel a deep connection with this man and feel committed to this relationship..as foolish as that may be. I really want to believe what this man is telling me. Yet, each time he cancels a date, I start to wonder if I will ever have the kind of relationship I desire. I really need advice on how to deal with this confusing relationshp. Do I tell my boyfriend how hurt I was when he talked about his ex? About the fact that he spoiled her and bought her gifts...made more effort to see her? Is it tacky to mention that he hasn't bought me anything? I'm not sure how to bring this up now that a few weeks have passed. Is it possible that the relationship will grow and move forward...or am I just being blinded by love?
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female
reader, ALICAT +, writes (19 August 2010):
ALICAT is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone! I want to thank those who replied to my question. It was very helpful to read the thoughts of those who are objective.
I am very happy to say that things have improved a lot lately. My boyfriend seems to be moving forward, planning trips for us to take together. While he'll be away on a business trip for 10 days, he's leaving his brand new car for me to drive while he's gone. This shows me that he trusts me. I am feeling very hopeful and now feel more of a sense of commitment than before.
We had a talk and it seems he's been worried that I would get back together with an ex whom I lived with a couple of years ago. So, I think I have not been the only one who has felt insecure in this relationship. He said he was surprised that I had a such a close relationship with this man, as he had wanted that with me for many years. Yet, I didn't seem to want that with him. So, in the past, he backed away. I explained that before this other boyfriend moved in with me, I didn't know that I wanted a close, long-term relationship. That this past relationship showed me that is truly what I do want. I am hoping that this talk made for a better understanding cleared the way for good things to come.
My boyfriend has been calling me more often and following through with dates. I feel we're on the right path now and hope the progress continues. I will keep you posted.
All the best to everyone!
Alicen
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): you need to draw the line. tell him what kind of relationship you're looking for. it was selfish of him to not have told you about his past immediately, and to drag you into it while he's still not over her...
about not buying the gifts etc.. well it is tacky. but u can mention that he made extra effort to be with his-ex but he isn't making that same effort with you.
yes he is taking you lightly.
he will give you a reply. if he seems vague.. he's not interested. in that case, you slowly try to become less emotionally attached to him.. and in a month's time i think your feelings will subside. then break it up and move on. if after that something else comes up pls let us know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): I don't think he is as serious as you are about the relationship. He says he wants a future with you, but yet he hardly calls and cancels lots of dates? I would think that if someone really felt that way about you, they would make more of an effort than this.
I also think he may still be holding feelings for his ex. That is probably why he went into great detail about his relationship with her. If he is still thinking of her and she is important to him, it is typical that he would want to talk about her a lot. It is insensitive, I agree, and he really should have thought about your feelings. But I can't help but think that he is stringing you along. He can't be with his ex, so he has come back to you. I have known people like this. When they have no one else, they go back to someone who is familiar, and who they know has feelings for them, because they know they will be accepted by that person. But it is not fair for you.
I am sorry if this is not what you was hoping to hear, but it is just my opinion on the situation. I guess you could certainly talk to him about this, and tell him how you are feeling. I think you may have to use a firmer approach though. Tell him you expect more than this, and that if he doesn't start to make more of an effort you will walk away from the relationship. And then see how he responds. If he truly cares, it should make him wake up and realise what he is doing, and he should hopefully start to make more of an effort. But if he doesn't, if there is no change...then as hard as it may be, I think it would be best to walk away, as you may be wasting your time on him.
I do very much believe you can have the type of relationship you desire - but I am not convinced you will find that with this man. Don't settle for this man if you are feeling dissatisfied. You CAN have more than this, and you deserve to experience the type of relationship you want. So put yourself first, and think about what you want. I hope things go well for you.
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A
female
reader, misspurple  +, writes (15 August 2010):
I feel that with you dating him on and off he feels he can do that whenever he likes now. He sounds like a user and is definitely not over his ex because he's blurting all this stuff out about them. He hasn't bought you anything nice! If he truly loved you he would travel the whole world just to be with you. Sounds like he has alot on his mind and is not ready for a relationship but is thinking that you are the best option for him right now. It also sounds like he trusts you but you shouldn't trust him. You have much history together and now you have had sex after this long you feel it could be something more but i bet he's not thinking that or he wouldn't keep cancelling on you. Tell him exactly how you feel and ask what exactly he wants from you and see what his reply is, if he doesn't feel the same then you need to let go. Watch out for tell tale body language signs because he may lie to you. You sound like a lovely lady and you can do better.
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