A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey Everyone, When it comes down to dating, sex, and the opposite sex I'm a very confused man.I have had at least 7+ females tell me in a blunt, sincere, and point blank manor that they find me to be physically attrracive and claim that they really enjoy my personality but seem to be uncomfortable with the idea of having me as more than just a friend. I have a depressing feeling that some females hate the fact that I respect them and seem really put off by my gentlemanly behavior as if it screams ''I'm just a friend!''. My greatest frustration comes from the fact that I have every other triat that females say that they want other than hieght or having a ''bad boy'' attitude. Everyone tells me that I need to get in touch with my Alpha Male side but I already have all that they describe other than drunkeness, a sassy attitude and using the opposite sex as objects of disposable pleasure. I'm very muscular, athletic, and ambitious about my goals and have confidence in other areas of my life but its not getting me anywhere in the dating department. Part of my problem is that I have spent my entire life doing sports, martial arts, archery, community service, school work and my career to the point that I have never went to a single college party and even get nevous or uncomfortable In bars or clubs. What's truely embarasing is that I started to assume that I wasn't ''cool'' enough to get the girls in high school and women in college to the point that I have only requested two dates in my entire life. Now I am extremely discouraged because I am a dateless, kissless, 23 year old virgin and I'm afaide that I have run out opportunities and feel that I have wasted all of my youth by not unleashing my wild side. I have been thinking about a prostitute just to get some intimate human contact but since I am a Born Agian Christian this would make me feel guilty, hurt and sick to no end. Am I just another good-hearted loser in this world?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 You are 23. Not 35. You are not old. You have not run out of your opportunities, or chances. You have some 7+ girls that turned you down. And you let it get to you when it shouldn't.
The reality of dating is that you, like everyone else, good as bad, need to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their prince and princess. In your case you need to take a plunge, if you haven't even kissed anyone before. If a person has never kissed before it is because of two things, primarily: 1. they are too shy and/or 2. they have too high expectations and standards.
Going to see a prostitute is another subject, which several have thought of before you, and I advise you to search our archives for answers to that particular question.
As for the rest I have to tell you to chalk up. You're not doomed. This isn't the end. You need to speak to more women, and be outgoing, contact women, flirt with women, and be approachable. Then allow it to take some time, but you can't wait for her to land on your head. You must take action and hunt her down yourself. These 7+ women can only speak for themselves, remember that. They are not representative of the entire female population. Just because they didn't fancy you doesn't mean no one will.
As hot, great, and amazing as I consider myself to be I'll get plenty of rejections myself. Now, contrary to you, I have spent years learning how to flirt and socialize, while you were busy focusing on personal development and achievement. Which in itself is OK, it's just that now you have to pick up on your socializing skills and make them match your skills in other fields. I know how to socialize and flirt, which is what makes it possible for me to find a partner. I can't settle for anything that crawls, and just the same as I reject some men, there are plenty of men who will reject me. There will be plenty of more women to reject you. But just the same there will be plenty of women who will not reject you. You just gotta work on your socializing skills so you are able to flirt and understand how to find someone you can connect with on that level.
You need to fall in love with someone who falls in love with you. And that happens! It's not a myth. But you got to flirt... a lot.
A
female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 You just have to have a little more patience. I know that is easier said than done but unfortunately that is the best thing for you. Lets break this down a little. You continuing to do the hobbies you love increases the chance of you meeting a girl with similar interest. You sound like you have been working on your own personal improvement for a while. This is good. Shape yourself to be who you want to be, not what you think others want. Lastly I don't think you issue is meeting girls. Surely with all the activities you do you have ran into a few here and there. You just haven't met one yet who has made your heart melt. Whether subconsciously or not, you have saved yourself for that woman who deserves your full attention and commitment. Like others have said, you are STILL young. Don't settle and sell yourself short, if you do you will have more issues than you need. Stay strong and continue to be you and love will be just right around the corner.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (4 October 2011):
 First of all, you are still very young, so the idea that life has already passed you by is not reality. The reality is that you are a well-rounded individual with a lot to offer. If you haven't met the right person so be it!
As for your questions about whether you should somehow change to be a "bad boy" or something, believe me it is a waste of time. It is not who you are, so trying to be something you are not would be a disaster.
There are a million self-help books. Books about how to become a player, how to boost your confidence with women, how to be a sex god. Does it seem overwhelming when you try to balance all of the advice you get from your lady friends?
Here is one tip I can give you without reservation: Don't listen to your lady friends! Women (with all due respect)do not know what they want in a man. At least, they do not know how to explain what they want in a man, especially to another man!
I know that most women will tell you that they can't stand the "bad boy" type. They say they just want a man that will listen to them, spend time with them, learn to crochet.
Then they start hanging out with some selfish, emotionally unavailable guy and leave you wondering where you went wrong.
It may seem like I am just criticizing women here, and I am not (just haven't gotten to the guys yet). However, I do think that many women who are actively dating, friends only, and giving you advice, may also be sending you mixed signals as to what they look for in a man.
So, don't go to women for advice on what a man should be.
Also, don't try to change yourself and incorporate all these foreign ideas that have been offered to you.
Instead, focus on being the best person you can be, follow your interests. You don't have to go to a bar or club to meet a woman.
Perhaps the problem is as simple as gaining some confidence. This is something you can do while remaining in your comfort zone of familiar places and activities. Just make it a point to smile at and start conversations with women that you meet in the normal course of business. You don't have to get their phone numbers, or always get a date, or marry the first one that takes an interest in you. Just start stepping out of your shell a little more. Nothing radical.
And know this: the bad boys in life, the guys who remain emotionally unavailable and noncommittal, and treat women like objects, they end up unhappy, unfulfilled, and eventually completely alone. That is a fact.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (4 October 2011):
You are anything but a loser! If you're around girls your age or younger, they don't really know what a good decent guy is yet...not all, but most.
Just a question, do you take charge when you do ask a girl out/take her out? I know you've said that you've only gone out a couple times, but if you were like, "What do you want to do?" "I'll do whatever you want to do." Most girls (including myself) don't like that. I like when a guy asks what kind of food I like and then makes a decision where we're going and asks if it's okay.
I think you might just need to be a little more take-charge and confident. That doesn't mean acting like an a-hole. Be nice, but don't be a pushover.
Also, be patient. It does take time for women to appreciate guys like you...we always like the bad boys when we're young and then get tired of being treated like crap and move on to someone that doesn't! I'm not saying all women, but a lot.
Don't give up. And DON'T get a prostitute!
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