A
male
age
,
*oversalsa
writes:Dear ....., Please help me with my problem. I am a44 year old man in a dilemma. Just before Christmas last year my then relationship was ended. She had ended it numerous times in as many weeks, one day she would tell me she loved me and the very next day left me. Every time I was absolutely devastated, I was totally in love with her and she knew this. I accept I was becoming co dependant with her, she was always critising me and I started to lose confidence in myself. During one of the times she had left me and I was in unbearable pain I popped out to go salsa dancing, started to dance and flirt with this girl, I told her my situation and she gave me her business card and we went on a couple of dates, we engaged in some kissing and cuddling but nothing more. All my emotions were wrapped up with my relationship. After my relationship ended I continued to see the salsa girl but it was not a defined situation . I learnt that she was married with a young child and in a failed one at that. We became friends and now have started to become affectionate with each other but no sex. She tells me to enjoy it for what it is. I would like it to be more sexually and or emotionally but I don’t push it. She poppes round but has always got something to do in half hour so we never really get a proper opportunity. I feel guilty about the husband because I don’t want to hurt anybody by treading on their feet but then again I think if the relationship is failing and I feel genuine affection for this girl then why not. She has admitted she is bad at relationships and I often think she needs time to sort things and is perhaps emotionally unavailable but we get on well and she sometimes misses me. I find my self deleting her number frequently so I cant contact her but always within a week or two she contacts me again. She accepts we are more than friends and even asked if we were getting too close. I feel that I could be missing out on other opportunities as I am investing in her even at this level but at the end of the day I am not getting anything out of it either. I have been meaning to write to you about this for a while and await your answer.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 First of all, you are right in feeling guilty about the husband. No matter what problems he and the salsa girl have in their relationship, he does not deserve the cheating. He has done you no harm, but you are harming him, even if he doesn't know. I would recommend you to stop the cheating. Not only would it be correct, but, it would also help you, the salsa girl, and her husband.
This comment of mine has to do with presenting you the view from different angles.
Now, let's talk about your angle in this situation. You just came out of a relationship in which a woman would not make up her mind about being with you without unpleasant surprises and pain. She never gave you a tranquil and quiet relationship. This hurts a lot, I know.
This salsa girl is different, but, in a way, worse. She is giving you tranquility and quiet, but not stability. She has unresolved issues, whose resolution you can't influence, and apparently her relationship with you is not good enough for her to get the courage to leave her husband. It seems to me that she doesn't really want a closer contact with you. Her comment that you were getting "too" close concerns me. I don't think you ever feel you are "too" close if you really love somebody. I said the salsa girl is worse, in a way, and this is how: she won't call you names or break your heart every day, but, she gives you something you might accept but is just not what you need or want. You want 100% and she gives you 90%, not exactly what you want but enough for you to settle for it.
I suspect that she is always half an hour away from something because she is fully aware that not much will happen in half an hour, even if you tried hard.
If she ever decides that she won't leave her husband, your 90% will become zero percent. Your 90% is shrinking, since you are now feeling that you have nothing, that you're missing out on other opportunities.
If you don't want another hearbreak, this is the time for you to leave.
I wouldn't recommend that you talk to her about leaving her husband. This is something that she should decide herself, without you around. This is what she should have done before she got into kissing and cuddling with you. You didn't know she was married, but she did know; and she got into this knowing that you were sore and she could hurt you.
By the way, you had something going on when you met her. You failed here, too. I think that, if a relationship isn't working, you should end it first. In this way, you are free to offer something solid to whoever comes.
So, again, my advice would be, leave her, for good. When you're back on your feet, free, without baggage or unresolved issues, find someone else, who is free and without baggage or unresolved issues, too.
You sound like someone who's brave enough to carry on. Do.
A
female
reader, deejuliet  +, writes (2 October 2007):
 You need to move on. Her marriage may be bad, but she is still in it. Unless she files for divorce she is taken. I really dont think you know her all that well and have only heard one side of it. You have only seen her for very short bursts of time and therefore have not had a opportunity to know the 'real' her. She tells you her marriage is failing, but havent we all heard of the MAN who tells his floozy that his 'wife just doesnt understand him' and how is going to leave her, etc, when none of that ever happens? Do you see where I am going with this? I know I am not being very clear, but I do think you need to get out and find an actual available woman and stop wrapping yourself in this fantasy.
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