A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last year I found out my father wasn’t mine and my twin’s dad, but he was our elder sister’s father. Since this has come out we have had a strained relationship, mainly through her not understanding or being there for me.After months of struggles we finally appeared to have gotten somewhere okay, so yesterday she came over so I could look after that kids and I cooked tea but it turned bad quickly, she said something along the lines of which child of hers she favours, and how a parent always has a favourite which brought her to saying she knows she’s our fathers favourite, I tried to ignore it as she has always said it but when she kept saying it I snapped saying "well of course your dads favourite, you're actually his."So she just goes outside without saying anything so I am there with the kids, she comes back in to take them to the car, and I hug her and she says I angered her, this upset me because this wasn't yelling like usual she said it calm so I know I upset her and I feel awful, I explained how it’s all I can think about and she said "it’s not myself you didn't have to make a snide comment" and it isn't her fault , not one bit. I love her so much and I ruined it by saying that, it isn't her fault but I can’t help but think when she says something like that, she shouldn't have said that.She doesn’t know that the whole reason we had doubts was her always saying that and us feeling like yeah he did favour her. Am I in the wrong? Or was it just insensitive of her? She hasn’t been there for me once over the situation, did I just expect too much? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 April 2015):
 She IS going through it too, but as an outsider.
You "were" her sisters for 20 years, now you are "technically" her half-sisters.
HER way of dealing with it is to partly ignore it and partly trying to make it seem like it's not as BIG of a deal as it is to YOU.
The whole color blindness? She was TRYING to find a silver lining for you.
My advice? If you NEED support through this got to your twin, she is going through the SAME thing as you. You big sister will not be much help.
She is still your sister, always will be. DOESN'T mean she truly will ever understand how you feel or be able to BE there for you on THIS issue.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe's just avoiding the situation. I cried to her once and she ignored me. The one bit of comfort I have had off her is "least a child of yours won't be colour blind like mine" because our dad is colour blind. I mean who says that? And for all you know my biological dad could have an illness or anything in his genes. She doesn't think I have a right to be upset. When I told her that's why I stopped driving lessons as it was too much to handle she just flipped saying that didn't stop her. Well she isn't going through it !!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2015):
 In short, yes- I thought it was implied in my answer. Whose point wasn't " yours is a childish rant " but , more like.... " you are projecting your
( understandable ) insecurities and bitterness about this situation on your sister , whose words were probably nothing different and nothing more than the usual banter of a braggart older sister , or a bit of normal sibling competition, or just shooting the breeze without walking on eggs as ot's normal between sisters . The simple fact that she was NOT walking on eggs around you in order to protect your feelings, would show, IMO, that SHE has no new or mean or any particular feelings about this, you do. For her, you are sis, - just sis as usual, she does not feel that anything major happened, or that having a different biological dad makes any difference between you. YOU do, that's why you reacted in an aggressive, acid way that your sister was not expecting ".
Anyway, whatever I think as an Aunt, does not really matter. What matters is that SHE, your sister, obviously did not like it , and thought you were wrong- if she is not talking to you anymore !
It should not be that hard to fix, can't you just be sincere ? can't you just be open , and tell her what you said to us strangers ? Can't you call her up and say, look, it was a misunderstanding, I reacted badly to something you said , because it cut me deep even if you did not mean to. And it cut me deep because, knowing what I know now, at times I feel that when dad sees me , blah blah blah.
If you can't be sincere with your own sister ( half sister ,OK ) whom can you be sincere with ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 April 2015):
No, I don't think you bringing it up was any more "wrong" than HER bringing up that she is the favorite. You BOTH stated the facts.
But would I apologize over and over? no.
I would let her get some time and space and maybe she will realize that SHE was as "wrong" in her comment as you were.
And while you give her some space, consider if this is something that is WORTH fighting over.
She MAY not understand JUST how this feels for you and your twin. Being told at 20+ that your Dad isn't your bio-father and that YOU are the result of an affair.
Maybe she is resenting all this "attention" you and your twin are now getting (even if it's NOT positive" attention.)
Either way, YOU are here, SHE is here - how you got here is (to a point) less important.
Siblings fight occasionally, siblings don't always agree. So I would not be the "petty" on who holds unto a grudge over something no one can change.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 April 2015):
 IF you said "you're dad's favorite you're his" then yeah... you need to say "sorry I lashed out at you"
YOU have no clue who dad's favorite is. Both my kids think they are my favorite.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think people are missing the point. This isnt some childish rant over whos mummy and daddys favourite. Im asking was I in the wrong to say what I did to my sister? As she isnt talking to me now.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 April 2015):
Oh yes we have favorites. Any parent that says they don't lies. BUT we don't tell our children.
I used to say to my kids when I put them to bed 'you are my favorite [insert child's name]. this worked great with my older son who is special needs (autistic spectrum) my younger son is too darn smart for his own good so when I would say that he would say "MOM... i'm your ONLY [insert name here]....
BTW just because we did not give birth or provide the sperm for the child does not mean they are not our child. I had a step daughter who called me mommy. Children can grow in our hearts as well as our bellies.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): I understand your dilemma. It happened to a very close friend of mine. She found out in her first year at uni, that her dad was not "hers" at all (when her dad and her mum decided to split up).He had known all along (as she is the elder sister) and had taken her and her mum in (when she was a baby), but the cat came out of the bag when they decided to split.EVEN though he knew and he looked after her as her own (she was very shell-shocked, had no clue at all) he acted abominably towards her and her mum once they were no longer "together" as a family.It caused huge amount of strain between her and her sis (half-sis). She was not even calling her "sis" for a while and her dad will talk ONLY to the child that was biologically hers. You should have seen her face drop when he called (i.e. initially very happy coz she thought he was making an effort and then to find out he actually just called to find out things about her mum...)Now,several years down the line "sis" is again "sis" BUT it took a lot of time and a lot of drama to get there. If you've grown together and you're close-just bide your time, you'll be "sis" again in the end!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 April 2015):
It depends when and how your father found out. If he just found it out too, yeah, he is only human, he might see you in a different light now, as the product etc. etc. If he knew ir all along, or knew it early on, and nevertheless he has had you twins in his house, and grown you with your halfsister, and cared and provided for all of you , and maybe also played with you, shown you affection, - if he has acted LIKE a father to you, no he does not see you as the product of etc. etc., wanna bet ? These situations are much more common than you'd believe , just people does not go around opening up about them to all and sundry. If the bare sight of you twins had arosen in him painful emotions and negative feelings, chances are you woud have been OUT of his life since a good while, at the cost of breaking up his family. If you actualy have been a family, it's because he wanted you too in it- you can count on that . Nobody forced him at gun point, and it's easy to get attached to a child even if she is not genetically your child.
As for having favourites, I 'll share a secret with you :) - ALL parents have favourites , even if they'll deny it ti their deathbed, and even if they manage to treat all children alike, more all less, deep in their heart they favour one, generally the most similar to themselves in looks or personality.
So yes, your ( non biological ) dad may have preferred your elder sister, why not. But , he has CHOSEN to also be your dad. And that says a lot, IMO ,about how he " sees " you and your twin.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2015):
I agree that parents shouldn't have favorites. I have 3 FAVORITE children - ALL of mine are my favorite and they know it.
I think your older sister is being brat here. She doesn't fully understand the situation, but she also doesn't seem to understand that by POINTING out how SHE is the favorite she is saying that you and your twin aren't "as good" as her.
I think your "snide" comment were NO LESS snide than HER "I'm daddy's favorite after all" comment.
Maybe you can talk to her and ask her to stop bringing up the favoritism and her dad/your dad. There has to be other topics for you two to share.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sageoldguy1465 it makes a difference because this isnt about childish arguments, its about the fact I have just found out after 20 years he isnt my bioligcal father and obviously when he sees me he will just see the product of an affiar, lies and betrayel, so obviously it isnt sensetive when an older sister says that,
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 April 2015):
 "You're Dad's favorite"... or "I'm Dad's favorite" are timeless arguments..... and haven't had much validity over all that time. After all, what difference does it make?
Good luck...
P.S. My Sister thinks that SHE was Dad's favorite... but I know otherwise!!!!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (24 April 2015):
 Parents should not have favourites. It causes all sorts of resentment as you know only too well.
It was insensitive of your (half) sister to talk about being the favourite. How did she think you would feel? I don't think she was considering your feelings at all when she made this remark. You were upset, and understandably so.
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