A
female
age
41-50,
*uneygyrl
writes:My daughter's dad and I have been in and out of a relationship. He is getting ready to leave in June with his other two kids elsewhere to where he can hold a decent job without getting let go because of his attitude. To make a long story short, we were in a child custody case about a year ago in which he stressed over a lot where he made a decision to give up his rights to our daughter. Till this day, he blames me for giving up his rights. Of course, filled with regrets, he wants them back. My answer is definitely, NO! He doesn't call to see how she's doing, he doesn't get anything for her, he doesn't do anything for her. This man have done me (us) wrong by his deceitful ways, lies....the other bitter part is...I still love this man. I've said and done things to him where I have hurt him emotionally in return. I ask GOD for forgiveness. I also ask him to forgive me. The sweet part, we have a daughter I need to take care. He helps in no way. I feel for my daughter because she asks me, "Where's daddy? He go bye bye?". My tears I hold in. How can I explain to my daughter who is 2 years old her dad gave up his rights? He have two other kids from is previous marriage who he have full custody of. That's another time and day. I told him to lose contact of us, don't bother us...basically forget about us, forget about our daughter because it seems he care more about his other two kids than our daughter. Is that wrong of me to do so? I have a feeling he's going to want to see his daughter before he leaves but my feelings are definitely pushing towards the answer NO! Why? Because of what he's done, said..repeatedly. Am I at fault for not letting my daughter see her dad before he leaves because of the hurt he's cause? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (23 April 2008):
 Yes, totally know what you mean about those negative comments, too - my ex has done that for YEARS, although he's getting a bit better now (10 years - he should be!). It's like they only see what you do wrong, and they blame EVERYTHING on you.
It's just hard, and you have to try to switch off from him. I still wouldn't stop him seeing her, though. Unfortunately I think you just have to keep doing what you're doing, and ignore him as much as you can. You are doing everything right - you are doing fantastically, I think. You are using the support you have and dealing with your daughter who is giving you a hard time ... they can. It was just the same with my son. He went through times of being really difficult, and I knew in my heart of hearts it was because his mum and dad weren't happily together, but we can't change that. We just do the best we can. And my son is fine now - I'm sure your little girl will be. And one day she'll be grown up and your ex will just be a bad memory - think about the future. Good luck.
A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (23 April 2008):
huneygyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Natasia: I never bring up the fact that her dad cares more for her other siblings than her. That's too hurtful. It's already obvious he does.
When I bring up situations when my daughter acts out, he'll have so many negative things to say. You can't even take care of her or control her. What kind of a mother are you? He's the one that's given up his rights. I have help only from my family. She's not a bad child. she just has an attitude I have to teach her how to control. I've ask parents how they handle certain situations, etc. I'm a single mother trying to handle business. I don't need his negativity.
ps One big piece of advice, though: never ever let your daughter know that you think he cares more about his other children. That really would be a terrible emotional burden for her to bear. Personally I've hidden my ex-husband's failings from my son - I decided when he was v young that I wouldn't bad-mouthe Daddy ever - I would just let my son have the best relationship he could with him, and then he can make his own judgements when he's older.
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female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (23 April 2008):
huneygyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses and advice.
Natasia: My apologizes if I came off in a meanful way. It was never meant for any of that. When my daughter say," Daddy go bye bye?", I tell her Daddy will be gone for a long time. Then her response is,"Ok!". Then on to something else. She goes into her room and plays with her toys. We'll go to the park, go to stores, to the movies, etc. She ask about her sister and every now and then, her brother.
I just want to get this out. He is not her father. He is her dad. A father is a man who provides, support, encourage positive outcomes in their child's lives and the list goes on. She doesn't get any of that from him. He doesn't call to talk to her, he doesn't call to see her.
Danielepew: I totally understand where you're coming from. However, I am not pushing my daughter on to her dad. If he wants to have a relationship with his own daughter, he knows how to find us.
As far as my relationship with her dad, it's too hurtful (for both parties), too much and I'm tired of the in and out relationship when he decides to act like a father and a boyfriend. He's 40 years old with lack of directions in life. What kind of example is that for his kids? I've supported this man, more like all 5 of us when he was going through his state of depression of no job, getting kicked out of the navy and so forth. I've been there. I've carried the burden, the stress and with no appreciation, I was even more stressed. I've worked overtime and spent less time with our daughter. I'm tired of it. That's another reason why I left the relationship.
People don't understand a situation unless being in the situaiton themselves.
Ask older sister: I am right here with you!
Laura 1318: I refuse to imagine if I was the one on the side because I will never to that to my child. I love her too much but I see where you're coming from. But I thank you for your advice.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 He may not be a very good father and he have not done his responsibility of taking care of your daughter .
Legally speaking you have all the right to deny him access to her but morally is this right?
If you do not allow him to see her, this decision will haunt you for all the years as she grows up.
Whatever differences between you two, you should be magnanimous and merciful to him and allow him to see your daughter.
Imagine if it was you on the the side. How would you feel if he did not allow you to see your daughter.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 April 2008):
ps One big piece of advice, though: never ever let your daughter know that you think he cares more about his other children. That really would be a terrible emotional burden for her to bear. Personally I've hidden my ex-husband's failings from my son - I decided when he was v young that I wouldn't bad-mouthe Daddy ever - I would just let my son have the best relationship he could with him, and then he can make his own judgements when he's older.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 April 2008):
Sure ... sorry if I seemed a bit one-dimensional, but it's hard when you don't know all the facts. I TOTALLY agree that he has to behave properly in the way he is involved in your daughter's life. The partying, drinking, etc. is completely wrong and of course she has to be protected from that. I just think that if she can have some contact with him - even if it's just very occasionally and with you there too - then at least there is that connection. I know it might seem harder to maintain that than to let it go, but I think that later on she will be glad at least to have known her dad, known who he was, and have some form of history with him. Total loss of a parent is harder than less-than-perfect contact, I think. Because there comes that day when she will turn round and say 'why did you stop me seeing my dad?' - and whatever you answer, it won't help. Well, that's my fear, anyhow.
However, he sounds a complete idiot and I'm so sorry you have to deal with him as father of your child. It's very hard. Hope you work it out.
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female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (21 April 2008):
huneygyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses and advice. Natasia: My daughter's dad, I say that because any guy can be a dad but it takes a MAN to be a father, is in and out of her life. When he gets mad at me because I don't my daughter around his friends who drinks and parties a lot and GOD knows what else, I have the full right to do take that away. He has two other kids he cares for more than our daughter. He barely can take care of them. He drinks because he said he's depressed, high blood pressure, lost job, no custody of our daughter because he gave up his rights, no help around the house...I truly understand where you're coming from however, he can pick a day to be a dad to our daughter and than decides not to. He's done enough of that. On top of that, he's leaving in June to go back home. He doesn't care about anything but himself. I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt but he's proven that fact that his word isn't his bond to our daughter. As far as him wanting to be in a relationship again, I am the one that left because of deceitful ways. He's done enough harm to me and especially his own children.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (21 April 2008):
He doesn't want to leave her and have nothing to do with her, does he? He wants his rights back. That means HE WANTS TO BE HER FATHER.
OK. You've got two things going on here:
1) your relationship with him - your love for him - your anger at him, because he doesn't want to be with you, and because he 'gave up' his rights to being a father to his (your) child (BUT NOW HE WANTS THEM BACK - HE REALISES HE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE)
2) your daughter's relationship with her father, and her right to a father
I think part of this is VERY simple. Your daughter's right to her father. She wants him, and, crucially, he wants her. He wants to be part of her life. You are just her custodian, and you have to do that as impartially as you can. I know it's so hard to ignore your own feelings about him, and your judgement of him, BUT YOU HAVE TO. Let it go. He wants to be a father to her - that's the big point here. And you mustn't stand between them - you must let him have those rights back, see her, and be her father. Then, when she's older, she can and will make her own judgement about him.
The hard bit here is how you feel about him. But don't mix that up with your daughter's rights. (He, and you, don't really have any rights: the only thing here are her rights, and doing your utmost to make sure she has a relationship with her dad, even if it hurts you like hell).
Trust me. I know something about this. Have been there, and currently, can you believe it, am there again. The father of my daughter has said his other two children will always be more important than our daughter. We'll see about that!! I love him, am being badly treated by him, am very upset with him ... but when it comes to our child, I won't be the pushover I usually am.
Listen, you should be GLAD this guy wants to be a father to your little girl. You should be insisting that he is there for her. Don't push him away. One day she will find out, and she'll never forgive you for it - and she'll be right.
Just let him be with her, and try to switch off. It won't be easy, and you will need to give him very firm rules about being consistently there for her - but if you do, she will love you for it forever, and you will be giving her what she only deserves.
Sorry to sound a bit strong here, but this is such an important thing - it will affect a person's life forever (ie, your daughter's life). Good luck - be strong.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 April 2008):
 Well, I am sorry to say that I feel I am not helping you, poster. I understand your situation and wish there would be an easy way out of it. I know for a fact that there is none. And I know for a fact that, whatever you choose, something will go wrong. I will add this comment and will not get involved again.
I think you should post this question again tomorrow. More people visit the site on that day, and you will get more points of view. There are wonderful aunts and uncles and they can help you.
I will make my bias clear. Maybe it will help you. It's not that I don't want to be seen as a bastard. I'm trying to give you my honest point of view.
I happen to be the son of a man like the one you described. I agree with Oldersister; his coming in and out of my life did do me a lot of harm.
I have a few memories from my childhood. One of them, a very painful one, is this: my father was outside of our home. My mother was inside with us. She was screaming that he wouldn't see us. She screamed at us and made us lie down in the floor, while my two parents kept screaming at each other. Then my mother closed the blinds. We were terrified, and we are also ashamed thinking what the neighbors would say.
At the time, I must have been three of four years old. I am positive I wasn't yet five.
I don't know why this happened, and I know full well that my father isn't the best of men. However, I still remember that my mother didn't let me see my daddy.
Over time, I came to my own conclusions about my father and my mother. Both made serious mistakes.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 April 2008):
Sorry, poster, but you're in the wrong for not letting him see her. Which is another way to say "not letting her see him".
I will take the point of view of the little two year old. You can't, because you're her mother. Her father can't, because he is her father. She is the one who has no voice here. All the decisions are being made by someone else, including judges, who won't necessarily decide in the most human of ways. Whenever judges get into family affairs, everyone is worse off.
What I see here is two adults who hate each other and are dragging their daughter into that.
It is very clear that your ex is not the best of fathers. But no one is, you know? Nobody is perfect. On the other hand, he is her father. I would assume that he has a right to see her. Not a legal right, you know? Where does you right to see your daughter comes from? From the decisions a lot of old bureacratic farts made when they wrote the law?
He may have given up his legal rights, but that only means that he has no recourse against you. You are in a scary position: you can do with your girl whatever you want. Which means you need to be careful what you do. There is no "check and balance" if you go too far.
If you had lost your given rights, would it feel nice not to see your daughter again?
In her own way, your daughter has said what she wants. That should count, too.
I assume your husband will want to see her again, many times in the future. I think it would only be right to let him do so.
If he doesn't come her way again, that's his loss and his bad decision. As it is now, he can't do anything but leave, and that is because you won't let him.
You say you love this man. From all appearances, your relationship is absolutely over. Don't let your own feelings dictate what sort of a relationship your daughter will have with her father.
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A
female
reader, huneygyrl +, writes (20 April 2008):
huneygyrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAstinson: Thank you very much for your response. I have the greatest blessing...my daughter. I could never ask for anything more. It's his loss.
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female
reader, Astinson +, writes (20 April 2008):
 You should not blame yourself for what he chooses to do.. I suggest that you keep a close relationship with your daughter, don't talk badly about him in front of her.. it will pull her away from you. If he does not want to see her then thats his loss.. I am sad to hear about another dead beat dad but it happens everyday.. kids are the innocent bystanders. I would just wait to totally tell her everything about her father. Just let her know he is leaving and hold her close.. don't let your bond fall!! I am speaking from experiance!!
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