A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I live in Singapore, and have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We have had some ups and downs going on, especially since I grew up under difficult circumstances. I have a unique family situation where for 20 years of my life my father was emotionally abusive towards the family, as an alcoholic. And since he's been sober I have been suffering under my mother's abusive behaviour and manipulation. Both my parents have been diagnosed as manic depressives. I have been in counselling to try to sort out my anger issues and anxiety attacks, as they were affecting my relationship. Lately, my boyfriend is constantly tied up at work. He works in the hotel industry, 6 day work week. His shifts are 2pm to midnight if not 2am on some days. I barely see him anymore. On his off days now we don't do much. We used to go to the beach and visit places of cultural significance and go to museums. Now all we do is sit on his couch and watch tv. When I try to lean over just to hug him or kiss him, the only response I receive is a friendly smile. It's been weeks since he told me he loves me. And I can say it's been months since I received any sort of compliment form him. I try to spruce things up by wearing classy yet sexy clothes when I see him. I put so much effort into just making sure I always look presentable and attractive and yet I never receive a compliment. My birthday was a little while ago and he had promised to get me a watch. And when my birthday came around all I got from him was a birthday card and a little angel figurine. I'm growing increasingly confused with the intentions of our relationship. We argue about the lack of time he has for me due to his work, and as much as understand work is work, I always ask myself: Is it too much to ask for that 5-minute phone call and a simple 'Love you'?I don't know where this is heading but I feel he is not interested in me anymore and that he doesn't love me anymore. I feel the only reason he is staying with me is because it's easier to stay than to leave and move on. Our sex life has basically died. I'm 22. I find it abnormal to be in a relationship with someone and have sex less than once a week. I definitely want to, and I try to tempt him, but he brushes me off and tells me he's tired. I've hacked his facebook, email and checked his phone and there are simply no signs of him cheating, which leaves me to assume, again, he's not interested in me anymore at all. Please help, is it really over? Should I just end it and move on, or am I just getting panicked over nothing?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): just talk with him and ask him to be honest with you.
And stop hacking into his email and facebook and phone. That's extremely disrespectful and a violation of his personal boundaries. If you have a problem with someone, you confront them face to face, you shouldn't go sneaking behind their back doing something that, if they found out, would shatter their trust in you.
I cannot stress this enough: hacking into your partner's emails and other private accounts IS betraying their trust, and it can and does destroy relationships if the other person finds out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): hey girl cheer up..the good news is that he does love you..men don't do the things we wish in our way.but you have to learn to accept his love the way he shows it.1st off,your reading a little too much ,he's clearly busy and tired...sex once in a week or two doesn't sound too bad.if he is busy then maybe you'll have to wait for him to be free .just let it lay and he'll eventually come around asking for more.because stress and work will affect a man's sexual desire.for a 3 year relationship i don't think he's doing bad at all.a few suggestions are that 1)when he is tired from all the work ,and all that the male specie wants to do is rest,i'm sorry but you have to let him do that.it would be selfish of you if you want him to take you out .why not YOU plan something for you two..a spa treatment,give each other a massage,relax somewhere,yoga,or even going to the gym!tell him it will relieve him from stress,and let me tell you exercise will also boost his testosterone and make him want to get intimate with you.many boyfriends are bad at complimenting.i'm sure he thinks that its understood that he finds you attractive.after all its been 3 years.unless your wearing something very very different from usual i don't think he would comment on it!as for your family situation,i know its been so hard on you and you deserve to be happy at least now.but get it clear that your boyfriend IS NOT the compensation for all your past troubles..don't expect more from him just because you had a bad childhood.i'm proud of you that you have indeed handled life pretty well for what its thrown at you,but i strongly advice that you keep the past in the past and NOT mix it up with your expectations in the present.trust me honey NOBODY is going to treat you special because you had /have a bad family situation.he will love you the same way other men love their women.set your LOVE LIFE apart from all that in your head!because no matter WHICH GUY comes along its not gonna help if you expect more and more :)there could be another guy who gives you a more expensive gifts,takes you out more often and spends more time with you...if you look for better there is ALWAYS better ..cos the grass is always greener on the other side!but if both your current bf and some one else love you..then its the SAME love...just the expression varies from person to person!AND AGAIN if that new guy gets busy,he would behave exactly the same as your bf.SO you can get a LESS BUSY boyfriend but not exactly a BETTER one.I presume ,that you have a kind of NEGLECTED feeling in you because of you having been neglected in childhood...which is clearly affecting your relationship!so he got busy ,and now you feel neglected..its time that you move on from your childhood experiences and start learning to trust in lovestop arguing with him and act like it doesn't bother you.get busy with your own thing.and he'l naturally come around.you have to learn to be happy by yourself ,if you get clingy/dependent on his love he'll feel no need to make efforts.its the same for a girl...imagine if he didn't care for his work or rest and kept spending time with you,asking you to call him text him and come out.won't you feel less attracted to him over some time?in fact its most important for a girl to live her own life apart from being a gf/wife..as for your birthday..maybe he could have done a little better but that depends on the situation.what does he usually give you?what do you give him?does he have enough money to spend?is he stingy on money and likes to keep saving?...it really depends ..maybe he didn't buy you the watch because of so many reasons...men often forget about things they randomly promise...but don't think much on it.i don't think it has anything to do with "LOSING INTEREST"
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 Hi,Sorry to hear that you had such an abusive parents your entire life. Be strong!!! Do not let your parents destroy, or control your life. You are young, and still have a whole life ahead.... Make sure you make the best of it! Make sure you don't make the same mistakes your parents made. I feel sorry for your parents, they probably had a horrible childhood themselves, and it's probably why they are this way. You've seem how sad a life can be first hand, please!!! Do not make the same mistakes. Continue going to therapist, so you can get help with your emotions, anxiety, etc... I'll also suggest that, now that you are an adult, try to move out of your house... Get a place on your own. I know they are your parents, but try to avoid them as much as possible, because they are toxic. You cannot abandon them, put if you stay in contact, I am afraid you'll never get better...How long have you been together with your boyfriend? I don't think you have anything to worry about. As you mentioned, you checked his email, phone, etc. You have not found anything suspicious. I guess, in a relationship, after being together for a while, sometimes things seem to cool down a little. It depends on the couples. Some do, some don't? I think he's being honest with you, I guess he's just busy, tired because of work. He's probably stress, too. Just keep being positive, pleasant, always look your best, and I am sure things will be back to normal. I think, it's normal for couples, after being together for a while not to go out, do things as much. Make sure that at least once a week you have date night. Go out to a nice place for dinner, hold hands, do not talk about problems, work, family, and just enjoy each other companies. Just like when you were first dating. Be strong, do not over think too much... What's important is for you to be healthy, mentally, physically so you can have a happy life, and happy relationship. Good luck
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 November 2011):
I do think you need to have a serious talk with him. This turning into a mess. You've hacked everything, and he is either disinterested, or he's depressed or something.
You need to to have a serious talk with him about all this.
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