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age
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anonymous
writes: My husband (of 16 years) is an intelligent, kind man. He does not drink or abuse drugs. He is not violent. He does not gamble. I can see eyes rolling and people asking, "So, what's the problem?" We've been together 21 years in all, and it's confusing and upsetting to find myself considering what I am about to write in this question. He is an emotionally distant person, I knew this before we married, and I can clearly identify its roots in his upbringing. He was deprived of praise, acknowledgment, and affection and worse, he was the "family scapegoat" (as I was in mine). I am sure he doesn't realise what he does, how he hurts me and erodes my confidence. Perhaps it would just be easier if I listed some of the things that came to me this morning: 1. He never spontaneously acknowledges/praises me. Unless I draw something to his attention he usually won't comment. I'm not saying I need to be praised all the time, but sometimes would be nice. I praise him all the time, I bolster his confidence - I do this because I love him and know how he was deprived of all the positive messages a child needs to grow. 2. Although he cannot find it in himself to praise me, tell me if I look nice, etc., he can be sarcastic or criticise me without a second thought. I've pointed this out to him, but I know he "doesn't get it". 3. He "teases" me (as he calls it) about things over and over and over again, for years, until I could scream! Example - 17 years ago I lost an expensive pair of sunglasses. For years afterward, each and every time he saw me with sunglasses he would refer to the expensive pair I was negligent enough to lose (as it transpires it was one of his relatives who stole them - I found that curiously satisfying). It took his mother pointing out to him that I probably felt bad enough without him constantly going on about it. 4. I am not allowed to initiate sex. He will ignore me or just push me away. 5. When I seek his reassurance about how I look, or on those (rare and humiliating) occasions where I've worn pretty lingerie, or attempted to create a romantic mood, he blanks me. I recall on one occasion, he was sitting in the living-room reading a paper. I walked into the room wearing lingerie he had purchased for me (why, I ask myself?!?!); I asked him how I looked. He ran his eyes over me, didn't say a word, and carried on reading his newspaper. I never tried that again. I hasten to add, I was a regular attendee at our local gym, I was trim and fit. 6. We both hold full-time responsible jobs, but on those days I'm off work he makes me feel I ought to have the dinner ready for him coming home ("Mum always did that for Dad, and I really like it.") I actually curtail my day's activities in order to do so. He does not return the compliment. 7. He constantly points out that I have no friends, that I should socialise more. I don't have the time because he gives no regular, meaningful help around the home. My weekends consist of housework and shopping. I have attempted to discuss this with him on many occasions over the past 21 years - usually he manages a week of picking up his clothes, or putting things away, then it's back to bedlam. I can trail him around this house without actually seeing him ... just look for the open drawers, the used socks and underwear, the nose-hair clippings on the shelf below the bathroom mirror ... 8. I was very unsure about moving to where we currently live (15 years ago); in truth it's not a place I feel anything for. I could leave tomorrow without a backward glance, but I moved for him (as you do when you're in love), and I've stayed for him. I was desperately unhappy here for many years, but he completely ignored this because he wants to stay. I ended up on anti-depressants and seeing a counsellor, so I wasn't just mildly unhappy. Anytime I used to mention us moving from here he would immediately explode rather than discuss the issue with me. He may, now (because I think he thinks it's now too late ...) discuss the possibility of leaving here "at some time in the future", but I don't believe he has any intention of doing so. 9. He tells me, "You'll never be happy" - the usual response when I express unhappiness about anything. 10. I am a very capable, organised person (or I was). He acknowledges the former by constantly asking me to deal with all the awkward situations (and occasionally people!) life throws up, as well as managing our domestic budget. He also acknowledges the latter, however, he does absolutely nothing to maintain the order I create. It's alright if he asks me to deal with something, but because I am so used to bearing all the responsibility, I just go ahead and do things. He does not like if I offer to help him. He becomes extremely annoyed if I take the intiative, yet, he calls on my abilities/strengths all the time. 11. I need to lose some weight (about 28lbs). I loathe the whole obsession nowadays with faddy diets, etc., so my approach is to eat more healthily and exercise more. In time, and slowly, the weight will come off. My husband keeps bringing sweet treats into the house. So don't eat them, you cry! Well, if it were that uncomplicated there'd be no overweight people, hmmmm? Last weekend he arrived home with six fresh cream cakes and a chocolate gateau. There are only the two of us in the house. Mea culpa! I ate (and enjoyed) two cream cakes. My husband then criticised me for eating them. He told me "Don't complain to me about losing weight if you stuff your face with cream cakes." He's constantly asking "what's for pudding?" ... I am trying not to lose sight of the fact that he had a difficult childhood, and recognise that some of what he says/does are products of those unhappy years. The thing is, I also had a desperately unhappy childhood, in many ways much worse than my husband experienced. I don't pass the misery on to him, I couldn't live with myself if I did so. Communication, on an emotional level, has always been a problem for my husband. I, on the other hand, can communicate comfortably, but, and it breaks my heart, with everyone but my husband. Can anybody tell me, please, if they think I'm being ridiculous, or am I right? Are all of the above (and there's much, much more), in combination, tantamount to "non-deliberate emotional abuse". I really don't think he realises what he's doing. I am so desperately confused.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): Just to add, also: you are not crazy, you are experiencing a PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, because you have realized you were mistreated for 21 years. If he refuses to seek help which would help your symptoms of PTSD he is by law limiting your rights. Emotional abuse is the hardest to spot and voice properly. You gave him enough chance! It has been way too long. You need to think of yourself first now - be selfish for starters! It may take years for some people to recover from such mistreatment - I know, I had an OCD as a result of my abusive childhood and has to overcome it on my own. Realizing that you are not the cause of your unhappiness is a start to healing process. You have the power and choice not to listen to his negative output because you deserve so much more!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): You are not imagining anything. If you feel abused and unhappy these feelings are real, and do not diminish yourself to your husband's ignorance. You are confused because you have been emotionally abused for 21 years. Unfortunately I am very familiar with the feeling. My Dad is a typical psychopath - emotionally abusing everyone close to him. I am 25 and have felt like this for along time. You are not the problem, and he has no excuse to use , not even his childhood to blame for the ways he is acting.It is a sad truth that people with personality disorders do not realize how much pain they are causing to sensible people - their victims. They only have that illusive desire for control and of destroying their prey. You do not owe it to him to spend your life waiting. You have to make a decision and hopefully leave so you can start your recovery process and become truly happy. Victims of emotional abuse may not realize they are being abused until it is way deep. All things you said are very familiar to me, and yes, psychopaths are like a broken record - constantly repeating the same humiliating comments - it is they way of destroying your confidence.Hand on to your feelings, please stop criticizing yourself - you are perfect in every way. You just need to get away from your irritant - your husband. Try it for some time and you'll see how senses will start returning to you. Speak to a professional who specializes on victims of psychopaths - trust me, your case is very typical. And therapists often get fooled by individuals like your husband, because they always lie, and they are never to blame, because they make it look like you are crazy. You are not crazy! You need to heal. It is hard to break away from an abusive relationship, but try your best to start setting personal boundaries if you can not avoid communication with him, and gradually re-instate your independence.One comment here is true: stop letting him abuse you. yes, he will pick a fight as soon as you start being a person, because he is an abuser. They always like to test their grounds, and just because he has not yet been physically violent, does not mean he is not capable of it. If anything threaten him with calling police, and be ready to do so if the argument gets out of hand. Also helps to have a friend or family to go to if you have to leave suddenly.You deserve to be happy, not walk on eggshells!
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female
reader, Symmetry  +, writes (7 May 2011):
I think your husband is emotionally cruel. In my opinion he is trying to minimize you, (your self-esteem), with his behavior. The lingerie incident, his completely inept sense of humor where he needs to repeat the same incident over and over, and the fact that only he can initiate sex stems from his insecurity and his need for false power, since he has no 'real' power of his own.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much to all the people who took the time to respond to my post. The range of responses has been anywhere from confirming my feelings to telling me I'm a doormat.
I can see some truth in all of the answers.
I have tried hard over the years to talk to my husband, to have him attend counselling (one session!) with me about your marriage.
I acknowledge that as a human being I am flawed, just as we all are. I suppose I was looking for some kind of consensus in the responses, which I have received.
Finally, to the anonymous female responder who began her answer with, "Oh and one more thing" - I think your view is "over simplistic", and wonder did you read the entire post?
With thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): Oh and one more thing. On those days that you do have off and he "wants" you to cater to his needs, he is not holding a gun to your head is he? You are allowed to say, NO. Just say, "sorry babe. Made plans with so and so to go hiking/watch a movie/ have a drink/read a book/take a bath/ whatever floats your boat! And buy him some tv dinners and show him how to use the microwave and voila! You are free.
It is not his fault that he makes you feel this way. It is your fault that you put up with it. You don't speak up and put a stop to it and put yourself and your needs first. What is the worst that can happen if you do? He eats a tv dinner and you get to have some free time for yourself? Awesome.
When you let a guy get his way time and time again they act JUST like your husband. Unappreciative, does things on his terms. You can blame him all you want but it is your fault too for not using your god-given backbone.
Don't pity yourself. You feel like an unappreciated slave? So stop acting like one! Do you! Speak up! Don't let him get his way all the time. This is your time. All the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): I mean ya there are a few things you have mentioned that are spiteful (like the lingerie incident). But all in all, not deliberately trying to minimize your concern, only trying to help...I think you are a bit on the sensitive side. Men tease women all the time, it's what they do. I mean teasing you about sunglasses? Why do you take that so personally? It is just teasing. Why don't you just tease him back! I am sure he is done plenty of stupid things in 16 years. Tease him back and then you both can just laugh about it.
He is a GUY. Men are different from women. Their humor is different. Their idea of fun is different. The way they communicate is different. The way they view things is different. There isn't much that you mentioned that doesn't remind me of every other guy I have ever known.
You should feel lucky he teases you, it means he finds you funny. That's a good thing. I think you are very very sensitive. And, more importantly, I think you depend way too much on him for your happiness. It probably would be a good idea for you to get out and make friends. You say you can't find the time? I find that hard to believe. You could hire a maid or something. EVERYBODY has time for friends.
But I do think it is important for you to have more of a sense of humor, not take things so personally and try to get a life outside of the home. You do need friends. 16 years is a long time and sometimes people get into a routine, sometimes bored, especially if you have no social outlets. You could try to spice up your life with your husband and make yourself more interesting if you didn't depend on him so much for your happiness.
You need to bring different perspectives into your home and into your life. Friends are a great way to keep you entertained, happy and in check with reality.
Call up your neighbors and invite them over sometime for dinner and drinks. That is a great way to start making friends.
And above all toughen your hide! So you need to lose 28 lbs? That's not much. In the meantime be HAPPY with who you are. Your husband teases you about eating a cream cake (probably only because you mention you are on a diet!) then brush it off, laugh about it! Say, "Ya I ate a cream cake, what's it to you?" And let it go.
Stop being so sensitive. No, this is not emotional abuse. You need to stop being so sensitive and have more of a sense of humor. Getting a life, making friends, and getting involved in other things besides always being at home around your husband will do wonders for you and for your relationship, I guarantee you. Good luck.
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male
reader, jc2008  +, writes (8 March 2011):
It looks like you have had a lot of time to think about this and you have tried everything you could to make this relationship work, are there children involved as well or just you two? To be blunt I think you are dealing with a control freak who wants you to feel as miserable as he does. I have seen women in this position before, they run off after 25 or so years to putting up with it with the first man who is nice to them. If I was you, I'd print what you have written out and tell him to sort it or your off. Your not his maid your his wife, if he wants a maid he can employ one!
Hope whatever you decide, it works out for you, you owe it to yourself.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (8 March 2011):
 I read your entire post. You are NOT being ridiculous. If anything you are minimizing the problems you have with your husband and making excuses for much of his unacceptable behavior. It floors me that there would be "much, much, more."
The description of your husband in your first paragraph is inaccurate. He is NOT a kind person, and just because a man does not drink, abuse drugs, is not violent, and does not gamble, doesn't mean he is worthy. He is very hurtful in many other ways.
I would sum it up by saying that he does not give you near the consideration you give him. There should be give and take in a marriage. All I see here from your husband is "take." His upbringing does not give him the right to act towards you in this hurtful, inconsiderate, cold and callous manner. You have a long list of grievances and you say there are even more. How did you make it through 21 years with this man?
In any case, it looks as if you have reached the end of the line with his behavior, because you appear a little more angry than hurt, and that is good. If you continue to live this way your anger will turn to resentment. At that point you will want out of the marriage. You will no longer be emotionally in it. There won't be anything left to stay for.
You need to seriously think about where you want to go with this. If you want to stay married to this man you both will have to go to marriage counseling. Somehow, I don't think he will agree to it. I can see that you have gone to counseling because, it appears, it has been determined that you are the one with the problem. That's wrong. He's not taking responsibility for his part in your unhappiness. Your marriage has driven you into a clinical depression for which you take medication. Hasn't that gotten anyone's attention?
If he will not work with you to address some of these issues, he is more or less telling you that he doesn't care about your happiness or the marriage. When you love someone, you care about their happiness. I'm very sorry to have to say this, but I do not see any evidence that this man loves you at all.
You do not say whether or not there are children involved. If there are none, there is really nothing left to consider. He isn't supportive of you. He doesn't care about any of your concerns (no friends, where you live, etc.) He sabotages your efforts to fix the things that are bothering you, and appears eager to point them out in a sadistic maner.
I think you should sit down and write a list of "Pros" and "Cons." Under Pros, list everything you are getting out of this marriage - list the good things. Under Cons, list all the negative aspects of the marriage - the bad things. You can start that list by listing some of the things You've written here. When you are done, take a look at the list. Then ask yourself if you are better off with him or without him. I think you'll know what to do.
I am very sorry if my response seems harsh. I felt these things needed to be said.
Good luck.
TEM
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 March 2011):
 No you're not imagining things, he's not treating you with respect or kindness. I know communication is hard, but it sounds like you're very unhappy in this marriage. Can you go to marriage counseling? They can help with the communication aspect.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): God, when I was reading your story I thought you were describing my life! I used to have the same sort of husband, and I was unhappy for 21 years. He was abusive in the same sort of way,
When I finally left him, life started for me, Everyone comments how happy I look and how my looks have improved. Actually, I look much younger now than 10 years ago when I was with him,
As for him, he is the same bitter person, he has a partner, who is even more bitter than him and who applies the same "treatment" to him that he used to apply to me, and he desperately tries to meet up with me "to talk about our kids".
Good luck, and, remember, you only have this life to be happy.
Leaving him was a life changing decission, and I have not regretted it for a single second.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): Have you tried talking to him about all that you've written here? I wonder what would he would say if he read what you have written? He may not realise how his actions hurt you, or may need this bringing home to him by seeing it in black and white. It sounds like he may have his own issues (possibly arising from childhood) that affect how he relates to you on an emotional level, but you deserve to be shown love and affection and to be made to feel appreciated and attractive. Is it worth considering relationship counselling, like with Relate (relate.org.uk)?
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