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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi--I was just wondering if there was a way one could tell whether you were taking things too seriously or not? Sometimes I get offended by things my bf does and I tell him so and I'm not sure if I make too big a deal out of it but sometimes he responds with "Okay, calm down, I hear you" or that sort of thing. I noticed that I still remember the bad things that happened between my ex and I a year ago and sometimes get bothered if I see my new bf act a similar way and it makes it even harder for me to move on from my ex when he calls every now and then, but I always tell him I don't wnat to talk to him then or ever and I don't wnat to be friends with him or chat with him on the phone. Everytime he calls, it makes me just feel disgusted about all the awful things that happened between us and makes me scared that these things will happen with my bf. I feel as though I may be hypervigilant or making up for my mistakes I made in my past relationship my with my ex. Does anyone have any advice on how I could tell whether or not I'm making mountains out of moleholes and yet still be able to recognize red flags and things I should make a fuss about? I did see a counselor after I broke up with my ex and did sort some things out, but I still feel I ahve to keep on my toes or watch out for this guy because he may pull the same stuff my ex did (who turned dr.jekyll/mr.hyde on me after I knew him for a while) Does anyone have any advice? Thank you very much and happy holidays
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female
reader, honey_62002 +, writes (27 December 2005):
You remind me of me. In my relationships i had no idea when to make a big deal lout of things or not as i hadn't had that much relationship experience, so i turned to close friends and my Mum and asked them their opinions. The guys always used to tell me i was making mountains out of molehills too, but i've learnt if something bother you enough you have to tell them. They may tell you that you are making a big deal - but so what if you are, you have a right to be treated fairly and if you did something that upset them, i'm sure you would be happier if they told you how they felt too. It's all part of a relationship i believe, getting u sed to what each other likes and i agree if they make a conscious effort to improve over things that really bother you than great! It is when they don't (as in my case), try to change thats the problem. Ok hope this helps :-) Merry xmas!
A
female
reader, Virginiaac +, writes (26 December 2005):
If your Dr Jeykell turns into Mr Hyde, then start to worry. Until then, enjoy your times with him and forget the ex.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (26 December 2005):
hey there,
No, I don't think you are over reacting, you have every right to feel the way you are, yet thats not to say things could be looked at in a more positive light sometimes.
First off, the fact that you may be hyperventelating suggests that you have exstreme amounts of anxiety in you which suggests fear, stress and worry are building up inside of you and they are coming out in such attacks of not breathing right.
It seems to me, that you have went through a really bad expeirence with your ex bf, he hurt you deeply, yet you didn't even see it coming and were so shocked. Now you are so scared about that happenig to you again, that to protect yourself you have built up this very active mind that reacts highly to everything, in order to protect yoursefl from pain.
I understand that when past expeirences happen that don't go well, that in the future you try your damn hardest to protect yourself, yet if that 'protection' isnt letting you enjoy and relax in life then maybe its a bit to much.
Someitmes we need to learn to let our gaurd down and become vunerable and risk getting hurt, in order to BE LOVED. If you put up this wall to protect yourself all the time then you will stop people who actually care about you coming near you too.
I think you need to find a way to feel more comfortable because thats how you should feel in a relationship.
Deffintly keep telling your bf how you feel when he does something to make you feel bad. Now if he shows signs to improve and/or stop what he did then I think its a sign you can trust him. It shows that he loves you and doesn't want ot hurt you.
Soometimes it can be hard to seperate situations from worrying to much to should be worrying alot, but I think the easier way is to ask yourself does this person want to intentiionly hurt me? Then talk abut it to them and if they show signs of trying to change it, then you can rest.
Perhaps going back into cousnelling is also a option as it seems like you have un resolved issues that they could probbaly help you with.
Hope I have helped :) take care And remmeber, even if you do get hurt, you can COPE and deal with it. Surround yourself with friends and family that love you and won't hurt you. Build a great support system so if you do get hurt and you will in life that you can get through it.
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