A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was just wondering if I am overreacting.My husband left his email program up and so I was reading one of the emails and it was from an old girlfriend. She was telling him about her marriage and how things weren't so good for her right now and he was giving her advice. Well this is how their relationship started the first time.. So of course he didn't tell me he was talking to her and I am really upset about it.. I just want to know if I am getting upset for no reason or should I confront him and ask him about it??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2008): email him that you saw his open email to her and that it made you feel kinda weird and leave it at that. Now for his response, if he doesn't respond the way you want him too (i.e. he ignores you and doesn't answer, or doesn't really say anything else), well if he usually checks his email daily in a few days you can always ask him hey did you get that email I sent you if you want.
Really try to understand that it is NOT this email that is the problem, the problem is bigger. You can control this particular thing but what about porn? Flirting at work? Hiding drug use? The issue here is lack of trust or lack of balls or a combination :) and the way you react to when he talks to you can have a huge impact so you need to work on this for months before even being able to work on the issue of "your ex emailed you and should have told me". Try recording how many times in a day you say or act in a way that he could perceive as you being judgemental, aggressive, argumentative and so. I am a woman and this had a huge impact i my marriage I realized I am often a bit argumentative and don't really actually listen to him that much plus he rarely tells me what he wants or wants me to do/ his expectations etc whereas I am more clear on what I want or don't want so I end up looking like the controlling bit*ch or he ends up looking like the passive goodie guy yet he feels crappy and controlled! The step here is to have a talk with him (at least a week after the email) letting him know that as a wife you feel you need leadership in the couple if you guys follow a religion where men are leaders even better!
Tell him you have no idea what your plans are as a couple for the next year or 5 years and that you have so much free time in front of TV and so on and that life isn't feeling that meaningful to you, you really feel like you need guidance and leadership and ask him what he thinks could be a plan and way of life that HE is willing to lead and from there try to follow it, dont force him into weekly couple/ family meetings let HIM choose the direction, just make sure to remind him regularly in what ways you are following his lead and innovative ways you've found to reach this common goal YOURSELF (not tips for him, things for you). hope this helps!
A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (31 October 2008):
 With all due respect I think you are a bit possessive if you are really upset about it. I believe you are overreacting about this issue, it was only advise. He did not flirt with her or anything. He also did not make any suggestive advances. Don't worry about it.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (31 October 2008):
Has he specifically promised not to speak to her any more?
If not then it's just some email advice - I'm giving you similar advice right now and there is nothing go on between us!
Mention that you noticed he was emailing her and chat to him about it. Don't accuse him of anything because that is just going to make him feel like he has to hide everything a bit better next time or it'll cause a row.
Tell him how much you love him and remind him why he loves you.
Good Luck!!xx
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A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (31 October 2008):
 Hi, I think you dont have anything to worry about. He hasnt told you because probably knew you would get upset. If they will keep on emailing each other he will probably tell you sooner or later that they are keeping in touch, if it was a one off email then he will probably forget about it soon. If he does end up telling you about his contact with his ex, take it calmly, dont try to make him feel guilty, hes done nothing wrong.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, ashleym626 +, writes (31 October 2008):
If your husband has never cheated before than You should trust him. However you still should ask him about it just tell him you were curious. He will not hold it against you or shouldn't. I'm sure he would ask you in the same situation. Men are so different than us, their main goal is to not make us worry under any circumstance. I have a boyfriend who I know would never cheat, but I saw one of his ex's called on his phone once and I was asked "why didn't he mention it to me" if it was nothing. He said because he didn't want me worrying over nothing and that's all it ended up being too. I'm sure your husband doesn't feel the need to say anything because he wouldn't want to put doubt in your mind at all and he probably doesn't even think it's a big deal her writing or talking to him. Don't necessarily think he is trying to hide anything.good luck;)
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