A
female
age
51-59,
*emeplev
writes:I need to know from mostly men lol if my boyfriend could be telling me the truth. we have been dating for over a year he broke up with me in nov for 2 wks because according to him he thought maybe there was no spark and maybe he wasnt feeling it for me. He came back and apologized and begged for another chance. Then things were great and I even take his mother to chemo once a week for the last few months..he moved back home to take care of his mom..no other family..and I felt like he was pulling back a bit...I had this great suspicion of this girl he bacame friends with on facebook 3 wks before we brokeup...and a few months ago he had a chat with her and I wanted to know if she was the girl he brokeup with me for he said no they were friends from darts and that she was asking advice about a guy. then 2 wks ago(2 months after I suspected him and her) he said on a wed night via txt he was gonna meet the guys for coffee at 1030 at night after a very wierd texting situation...I KNEW he was with her my gut suspected it and I drove past her house and there was his car I called him and he answered and apologized said it was just coffee and I asked him to let me hear her saying she knew who I was his girlfriend and she did. He flew out to me even tho i told him to continue his night with her after giving him an earful of his lying and he said he didnt want to rock the boat it was innocent dont i believe him? I thought I did..but I cant seem to shake it...we have had a few bumps with all this and he says ask anything he will tell me he even offered for me to meet her..I dont know if I should I have been losing alot of sleep and feel like she is after him or maybe something did happen and I dont want to be played a fool. what do you guys think? could it really have been coffe and her telling him about her and this guy she had been dating at 1030 at night with her two kids sleeping in the room next door? is it possible hes telling the truth or am I the fool for believing it? ps his actions otherwise have always been impeccable he seemed to be an honest man with great integrity and character. I just am lost in confusion. thanks everyone for listening
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Time to suck it up and go with him to the dart game. He's already invited you. You don't need another invitation. You just need to take him up on the offer he gave you awhile back. Dig through your closet, find a sexy but casual pair of jeans that you look awesome in. Wear a simple, but low cut t-shirt or tank top. You don't want to look like you're trying too hard so keep it simple. Then don't say a word until 10 min. before he walks out the door. Pick up your purse and say in your sweetest most positive voice, "Hey, I thought I'd join you for darts tonight." No matter what he says at this point do not let him talk you out of going. If he's sincere about not wanting to lose you. If he's sincere that it's fine for you to come, then take him up on the offer. It's time! As long as he keeps going without you, it's going to continue to be a huge sore spot for you and drive you nuts. By accompanying him you are doing two things: 1) You're making your presence known to her. 2) You're able to see what it's all about and check her out. Once you meet her you may realize she's not so bad. Then again if you don't like the vibe she gives you, keep your cool. The last thing you want to do is give her the pleasure of seeing you become un-nerved. Be friendly. Be pleasant. But above all be non-challant. She may not know what you've been feeling about her, and if she really is "just a friend" she may have no clue there's been a nasty undercurrent going on over their "friendship". Don't drink more than one drink. You need to keep your wits about you. Once you go, you may decide you should accompany him more often. Just try to keep an upbeat attitude no matter what happens. She may test you by flirting with him. Whatever you have to say, should be said to him in private once you're at home again. Don't let her rattle your cage. Just have a good time and don't hesitate to come every time he plays if it gives you more peace of mind.
A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (20 June 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all your words are comforting and I agree with all of you this will take time and I know Im not crazy and he fucked up and lost my trust that he will have to regain. He seems willing to work on it and let me work thru my up and down emotions. I do have sense enough to know that the lie is an admission to a guilt of sorts regardless of whether he didnt want to deall with a crazy reaction or rock the boat or whatever, why would he be at any womans house late at night and not mine? during that time in 11 days 9 were spent with friends..one including her and 1 with me ..what happen to me being lonel and needing company? it smells funny to me too I think I am willing to try to make this work. I appreciate all comments including anyonelse I will keep you all updated and again thatnks in my moment of weakness its nice toreach out and have all of you as a sounding board :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 June 2012):
 Ya know I'm of the belief that folks that lie are hiding something even if it's just something IN THEIR BRAIN... like the idea that "hey I could easily have sex with her if I tried" so he has guilt over the mere THOUGHT of it...
and FWIW to the poster who asked who drinks coffee at 10:30 at night... I DO... almost daily.. but then caffeine does not really bother me at all and I tend towards decaf at that hour... but after all Starbucks is open till 9 around here and 24/7 on the turnpike and in NYC....
OP, he lied to you. he's betrayed your trust... even if he never lies again will you trust him?
you're call... I lived with a man I could not trust for many years.... he did not cheat on me but the lies and the deceit wore me down and when he was unhappy enough to leave I was fed up enough not to fight him on it.
We're friends now and he's remarried but guess what I look at him and think LIAR... and wonder just how long it will be before his new wife has had enough of his just friends that are women...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): OP take your time and think this over.
Look whatever you like to believe or whatever you truly believe you're not a psycho, he lied about where he was and who he was with. I mean come on OP, he can't put that on you, how the hell are you supposed to react to that?
Just saying sorry and talking to you is not going to make that suddenly go away.
Why did he lie? You still haven't said, or maybe you did and I missed it.
Would you call me crazy if I told you that my girlfriend lied to me about going to see another guy late at night and I found it hard to deal with? Would I be crazy for thinking something was very wrong with that situation?
You wouldn't, you'd call me crazy if I just let that slide.
OP no words are going to fix this situation, he can't talk his way out of this and he has no right to make demands that you somehow should control yourself, he has no right to turn this back on you.
I'm with my girlfriend 7 years and she's never felt the need to lie about where she was or who she was with. She's smart enough to know that meeting with a male friend is okay, but lying about being with a guy is exceptionally suspicious and would create a very serious problem between us because I'm not stupid enough to trust liars, and I'm not stupid enough to trust anything they say after such a lie. She would have to earn back that trust and she'd have to be patient with me and tolerate my reaction, if she couldn't do that then I#d see no other action but to walk away. The only lies acceptable in a relationship are ones like surprize parties and telling her that her new haircut is beautiful when in fact I don't like it at all.
You're not crazy, you're not stupid either so don't let him convince you that this is some innocent thing, innocent people don't need to lie do they? The lie itself is an act of guilt.
Take your time and think things through, it sounds like he's going to be patient but he's going to have to work to atone for this and he's going to have to earn your trust back, you need to stop thinking and searching for a quick fix, he fucked up, it's for him to fix and he's going to have to put up with the consequences of this big-ass lie if he wants this relationship to work.
Again, remember, regardless of what he says the fact is he lied about being alone with another woman. Think of what you'd say to a friend whose boyfriend did the same thing, you'd tell her to be very careful trusting this guy because he's shown that he's well capable of lying in a big way wouldn't you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): Trust yourself. He has no business spending evening with another woman, not you. She can cry on his shoulder via telephone or during the day over cup of coffee in a cafe.
What is he doing at her house so late at nite? He should be with you so late at nite not with her. Also he lied to you saying he is going with guys, and then you chased him down just to be sure he is with her.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (20 June 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank so much you guys are so awesome! but yes 100% certain and KNOW he is really at darts..we just got into it on the phone because of a snide remark i made accusing him of not really being "eager" to have me there tonight..I epressed that I am uncomfortable and yes insecure..and he while angry about the accusation because he DID invite me and I said no...so he was angry that I accused him of not wanting me there..he said with absolute conviction that HE IS NOT LEAVING ME FOR HER NEVER EVER GONNA HAPPEN. and that he is understanding of how I feel and my discomfort and said he is willing to do anything to help me/us get thru this..I apologized for my crazy snide comments and told him I didnt want to meet her in this high anxiety state and how much I hate that I feel like this crazy psycho jealous woman..so i decided against going there tonight. he said that my snide remarks are the only thing that can ruin this relationship. I feel like Im nuts hes understanding how i feel doesnt expect me to overcome this now isnt angry that im uncomfortable with her tells me he will talk about this until i feel like im done no problem no holds barr but to be respectful and not throw digs...i feel sad that this has been thrust upon me, I never asked to have been put in this positon of mistrust..and now Im the one with the anxiety...thanks for listening I really appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (20 June 2012):
You can let him play darts if he is really going there and then coming straight home. But you may want to drive by and see if both their cars are still there. It would be easy to slip away for other entertainment and the "dart" game is just a new way to meet and disappear together. You will have to keep your eyes and ears open for awhile now that he's proven he can lie and sneak around with another woman, regardless of his excuses. Where there's smoke.....guess what? You don't have to show up at his dart game every week, but showing up there now and then probably wouldn't hurt. You might be shocked by what you find or if you don't find him there playing darts at all.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (20 June 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh and ps it was not a date supposedly she invited him so she can cry on his shoulder about some other guy and no sexual history that I know of
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (20 June 2012):
demeplev is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thank you, but he said absolutely no sexual contact he knew her for three yrs from his dart team she is recently div not sure how long with 2 small kids under 6 I believe he said I could meet her that its purely platonic..he even answered the phone when he was there at that moment and left her to come to me...I struggle with this because I too am with you that I am having trust issues..I have had some awful discussions with him about this he has let me ask him anything and has been great to me..do I just get past this? hes at darts right now she is probably there I said I wouldnt come by I feel like Im taking the high road me showing up will just prove that I am a jealous girlfriend, no? ps we are both 44.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): OP what would it mean if me and you were out on a date and I invited you back to my place for coffee? If you don't know then maybe you should turn on a romance movie. Do you really think drinking coffee is what I want you there for? No one drinks coffee in the middle of the night although I have done so when I had projects and assignments due the next day.
Look it's fairly straight forward OP, he lied. That's all there is to it isn't there? he said he was with the guys drinking coffee, I have never once in my life met anyone in any of the countries I've lived in that went for coffee with the guys at 10.30 at night.
He's a liar, and not the honest sweet man you thought he was. He lied about who he was with and coffee makes no sense at all.
To top this all off, he was with a girl he has sexual history with, recent sexual history.
Does that clear up the confusion for you?
He lied about where he was, you can't trust him.
He was with the one person who is a real threat to your relationship and he still took the chance of seeing her knowing full well you would not be okay with that.
That's the situation OP, I don't see what you're confused about, what's to believe? he lied, that means there was nothing innocent about it and if she's still in his life and he's going to her place late at night for "coffee" then are you okay with that? What's your next move OP?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2012): Who drinks coffee at 10:30 at night? It is full of caffeine and any rational person would avoid drinking it at that hour because the stimulating effect will prevent them from getting a good night's worth of sleep.
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