A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy through a sort of "friend of a friend" thing and initially didn't give him much of a second thought, as he was married with kids and almost 10 years older than I am (I'm 20, he's 29). We talked on and off for a few months, but it was mostly just friendly. Every now and then I'd get the impression he was interested, but I just wrote it off as niceness. For some reason we started talking a lot more lately, and he confessed to me that his marriage was something of a sham and that his wife had no feelings for him, but was simply keeping him around for his money in order to support the kids. He also admitted that he seriously likes me and would be open to starting some kind of a relationship down the road.I do like him a lot, but I don't feel that like crazy spark of infatuation as I have with some of the other guys I've been with. Thing is, most of those same guys ended up being abusive down the road, so I'm wondering if it's not worthwhile to abandon my old type and try a guy whom I may not be wildly into, but who thinks like me, has similar experiences to mine, and who isn't blatantly out for sex.At the same time, I do get a big red flag from the marriage thing. I'd like to believe this situation is different from so many others, but I know how often that works out in reality...Sorry this is so long, but I'm pretty confused about all of this. Any advice or input would be welcome. :)
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (20 June 2012):
 All women, who get involved with married men, want so badly to believe that THEIR situation is different, that they are "the one". Unfortunately it never works out that way. He's made you believe that you are his salvation from a bad marriage, and that simply isn't the case.
If he does leave his wife, for you, then you've snagged yourself a class A cheater. If he doesn't leave his wife, what kind of life are you going to have, as "the mistress", always coming in second to his family? Either way it goes, you lose. You can do so much better then this, especially since you said there wasn't even much of a spark there to begin with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): You bet there are big red flags!!!If this guy is SO unhappy with his marriage that he's mentally got one foot out the door already laying the groundwork for future relationships, there is no excuse to not be already in concrete divorce proceedings and moved out of the house. I bet he hasn't even filed for divorce yet has he? I bet his wife doesn't even know he's trying to set up new relationships.He's hedging his bets. He's unhappy with his wife, but he won't leave her because he still gets some benefit from being married. So he sneaks around behind her back in a cowardly manner trying to start something new and then only IF it turns out to be really promising then maybe some day he'll decide it's in his best interest to divorce his wife. Then again, he may never divorce her if he's getting benefit from his marriage AND from a mistress on the side as well, the best of both worlds! Some men can live their entire lives like this if circumstances allowed. His wife may be a b!tch to him, but he is also conducting himself in a disgraceful way so he is no better than her thus he has no right to be badmouthing her when he's going behind her back.This also shows you how unstable he is. Stable people would not do this, they would have either picked the right partner to begin with so they are happy in their marriages and not looking around for something else, or when they realize they are that unhappy they nevertheless maintain their integrity and forgo all hopes for any future relationship and just accept what they have, or 'man up' and get the divorce FIRST to be legally and ethically free to start new better relationships.You've had unfortunate experiences with abusive men. This guy may not be abusive, but he's unstable. He will take you along for a roller coaster ride if you choose to let him.right now it's a moot point as to whether he is your type or not, or whether it would work out better with him than your previous relationships or not. It's moot because he's not even in a position to be your boyfriend even if you 100% wanted him. so why waste any more of your time even thinking about this?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 June 2012):
 So you went from abusive men to married men? A step up but still there are better options. You don't have the wild sparks for him so it shouldn't be that difficult leaving him alone. Unless he has shown you divorce papers and custody arrangements, you don't talk to him or entertain his fantasy for who knows how long.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2012): His excuses about the bad condition of his marriage are absolutely TEXTBOOK lies for a guy trying to cheat on his wife with someone like you.
Its not impossible for him to be telling the truth, but it's pretty unlikely. I would not believe it unless you see some kind of other evidence that its true. Try to get yourself into a situation to see/hear how he interacts with his wife when you are not around. Or ask someone who is friends with the couple how they seem to get along.
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