A
female
age
41-50,
*iss_soapstone
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and, on the whole, we have a great relationship. We both love each other, respect each other and mainly want the same things out of life. We have lived together for 3 years and just bought our first home together. I am 26 and he is 28.When we first met, I was different than I am now, and he was too. We have grown together rather than apart and I can honestly say I am a better and more mature person now, than I was six years ago.There is one thing niggling away at me now. When we met I was very opinionated and I strongly believed that I did not want to get married. Ever! At the time I would tell this to anyone who would listen, including my boyfriend who said he didn't agree with the idea of not getting married but was happy to be with me knowing this. As time went on we spoke about children. We both agreed that we wanted children and that, to be fair, any girls would take my surname and any boys would have his surname. Anyway, as the years have passed I have changed my mind on a couple of things, and so has my partner. I would now like to get married, but I have not told my partner because he has changed to my former way of thinking that marriage is not necessary. I now think it would be nice to be a family unit, and have our relationship legally recognised. I love him very much and would like to be his wife and for him to be my husband. This is a huge thing, and as my opinion on this has completely changed I am worried about telling him. On the one hand, I was thinking about not saying anything, but it has been swirling arounnd in my head for 2-3 years and has not gone away. I don't HAVE to marry him, if he was dead against it I love and trust him enough to stay with him even if marriage is not on the cards, but I would, if he wants to, like to marry. I feel ready. The other thing is... recently we have had arguments over children's names. He is now dead against any of our children having my name, he says that he doesn't want to stigmatise them and make them different from others by breaking away from tradition. I still feel strongly about this. If we are married, fine, we all have the same name. If we are not married, why should everyone in the household have the same name except for me? It's not what I want.Should I talk to him? What's the best way to talk to him about this? It's so hard I don't know what to do. I feel sick at the idea of talking to him about all of this. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (16 August 2007):
Hi,
This sounds really familiar! I used to tell anyone that would listen that I would never marry, and then in time I changed my mind. My boyfriend had gone along with what I said, so I thought he agreed with me. I agonised for years about whether to mention it or not, and in the end it kind of slipped out after I had drunk a glass of champagne. He was delighted, and asked me to marry him there and then. It turned out that he had been afraid to ask me as he had no idea that I had changed my mind, and was afraid that it would be awkward for me to have to say ‘no’ to him.
What makes me think that your situation might be similar is that I notice that your boyfriend has changed his mind about your children’s names. It sounds like he still has quite traditional opinions. Do you think he might have said this as a way of testing the water about your current feelings about marriage? If he thinks there would be a stigma attached to not having his name, doesn’t that mean he thinks there would be a stigma attached to not having married parents? I’m not criticising non-married parents by the way, just thinking about what he feels.
My only regret is that I didn’t let my husband know sooner that I had changed my mind. I’m sure it takes a lot of courage for a man to ask a woman to marry him. If we have previously made it clear that the answer would be ‘No’, why would he risk the embarrassment? Why not just tell him simply what you have said in your question? You have changed your mind, and you now feel ready for the commitment of marriage. That isn’t a direct proposal after all – although it is a pretty strong hint!. It takes bravery to do this, I know, but you need to be brave to get the rewards. I think he will want to marry you, but if he doesn’t you can make it clear that you are content to be with him without that commitment. Then he may change his mind after he has had more time to think about it. Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): I don't think it's right that some of your children (how many are you thinking of having anyway??) should have different surnames to others. People will think they've got different fathers and they'll probably be stigmatised for that - they might even wonder themselves in later life.
My theory is 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it', so how about this for a solution - change your name to his via deed poll. It's cheaper than getting married (and divorced if it comes to that) and you could spend the money you've saved (a few thousand quid by my reckoning) on a nice 'Honeymoon' instead! Additionally you'll all feel more like a family unit.
Phil
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 August 2007):
 Of course you need to talk with him about all this. A nice calm discussion is definitely in order. I'm willing to bet that he is more open to the marriage idea than you think. Pick a nice relaxed time for you both, take a deep breath and go for it. Let us know how things turn out okay?
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