A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I've been single for over a year, not been near anyone since and have been working on myself. My last breakup I realised was an entire lie... A lie which ended in a court case for me ex for assault... He should of got ABH if not attempted murder really, but I finally feel I am in a place where I am finding myself again.For the first time, I've started to like someone I work with, he is the usual guy I go for.. Good banter and charming altho not the best looking I'm of course attracted. Already I've fallen pretty obsessed at the thought of getting to know him, I don't think he's taken but of course I've looked him up on social media in which he looks pretty single but we know some men can appear this way.I catch him staring and he goes out of his way to have everyday banter with me, I'm pretty certain the other day when he caught me looking he went from walking like the hunchback of notre Dam to walking like he-man...it's all pretty positive body language. Truth is I now think all men are a let down, I'm terrified of getting hurt yet I think he could be a ladies man...Maybe he is just confident but I get a bad feeling. Is my gut trying to tell me something or will my head never trust anyone again? After the incident with my ex a lot revealed he was a pathological liar and sociopath. Has anyone been in an abusive relationship and got a bad feeling over someone good? He likes a LOT of good and average looking females profile pics, he's overly jokey and chatty, he certainly isn't shy on eye contact, am I falling for the same kind of man?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2016): Hi
Yes I have definitely been where you are and since a scary, abusive relationship I have gone from being someone who believed and trusted everyone and what they said to being the complete opposite.
There are TONS of abusive men out there. I know that most of my female friends and neighbours and relatives and work colleagues have either been in an abusive relationship or are in one now. There are only a handful of women I know who have never experienced it on some level.
I get that once you realise what you are attracted to, which is abusive men, that you can and probably will be attracted to one again. I fell for someone else and for six months really did not know if I was dealing with a friend or a foe.
It was only when he exhibited some behaviour that I didn't like and I talked to him about it and he listened and changed VERY willingly and stayed that way that I realised he was probably ok. Although as I'm sure you're aware, they can be the best thing since sliced bread until they have got you or think they have got you i.e. you are married, living together, you are dependent on them or you are pregnant.
It's very difficult to know, if not impossible until you have some proof either way.
I read many, many books on abusive partners and abusive relationships and the different kinds of abuse etc. I am confident that I now know every single abusive tactic, every single abusive trick in the book and I am on the watch out the whole time. It now shines out to me like a beacon when I see or hear someone being abusive. The trouble is they can hide it so well in a relationship.
So I would advise that you read up about abuse thereby enabling yourself to recognise behaviour that others might think of as just teasing or whatever, but you will know the difference. And then tread slowly and cautiously, watching and listening. Abusive men use a variety of tactics, as you may well know. Some are fine in the bedroom, others are sexual abusers, some will call you every name under the sun and belittle you in front of others, while other abusive men may never say a bad word about you, so I found it necessary to learn about ALL their tactics.
Take it very slowly, with ANY man and learn what it is you are looking out for. Don't give up your financial independence or living arrangements, don't give up your job or your car and if you find a man who is keen on you to do these things under the guise of being 'old-fashioned' or 'caring about you' RUN A MILE!!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 November 2016):
 He is more than likely not the same as your ex. But off course you are going to be cautious. It will take a lot for you to be able to date again and trust someone. Things take time, but it will be longer for you because off your past.
If you already think he is a ladies man then I would put him out off your head. The last thing you need is a man who is going to just add you to a long list off girls.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (23 November 2016):
 I might worry more about cheating than abuse from this guy, but I get that these suspicions both relate to trust. I think the problem is you don't know him well enough to assess his trustworthy levels. Go get coffee with him and judge him for the person he presents in front of you rather than fb.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2016):
 Your ex-bf hopefully doesn't have a ton of clones out there. So he is not the SAME kind of many, but he MIGHT fit in the same "type" of men.
Can I suggest that you keep it to banter? This is a co-worker and that can make things extra weird. Let's say he IS an abusive asshat like your ex-bf and you start dating him, but find out that he IS such a "type" so you end it. YOU still have to see him EVERY day at work.
SO IF you are looking to start dating again maybe date someone you DO NOT work with.
As for your gut feeling, can be fear can be your gut is trying to tell you something.
However, being a ladies man doesn't mean a guy is automatically going to be violent.
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