A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend won't stop watching porn.He said it's not the girls or sound that turns him to it but the story of how they got their (Blackmail, bribe, etc). The problem is in my past relationships a lot of bad things have happen with porn. It hurts me each time. I'm 19 years old, I do have a child but I worked back to the body that most men want. I work hard everyday to make him happy with me. I've done everything he ever wanted. Yet when I ask for him to stop watching this... adult videos. He agrees then turns around and does it. I feel like nothing when he does this. I'm asking for some advice of what I should do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Im happy to hear that y'all had such a honest conversation and sorted somethings out. I think that it's really hard to understand another perspective on something when you feel very strongly about it. It takes a strong person to be able to see things from another point of view. Im happy for the two of you to be able to work together as a couple to feel more equal.
Hey, I know me and the other girl catted things out on your question. (don't let it get to you) I think that just goes to show that even women can have the porn is great/ porn is awful argument. It'll always be there. Again it's about how you approach it as a team, because thats what a relationship is. Good luck to you in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright. Just FYI to fill in some things I'm reading that seem out of this world.
I do not fight with him, I do not yell, nor scream.
I DO NOT cheat never have.
What I was trying to say is I will bring it up to him.
He watches porn than he can watch me with her kinda deal.
The other fact I like to put out there is I do EVERYTHING he wants in bed. We are kinda the S&M type. I have a very open book when it comes to sex. I try everything once that doesn't go against moral being.
We make love whenever he wants it any way he want's it.
I can honestly say (if you subtract the porn) we have an amazing relationship.
When I said porn addict what I mean is what he has done.
After we would have our time he would get up and watch it.
In the morning I give him oral like he wishes then after he will go and watch it. One day I went to the hospital due to a car accident. No one could reach him. So his brother came to my house to get him and caught him doing it. He knew I went to the hospital I had the doctor call and tell.
I can masturbate without the use of porn, I believe my imagination is much better than videos, When I do it is only him. No lie some weird situations but only him and I. Yet again I will not lie, I tried to imagine someone else.... I just can't do it. I feel when I am in a relationship I can not do that in my mind it's cheating.
I would like to point out the other night him and I got into a pretty heated argument. I finally told him. If we are to be in this relationship we have to change things about ourselves for it. I have changed a lot about my problems for him I believe it's about time you do. I gave him a night to think it over and stayed some where else. When I came back I saw he searched more porn than ever in thoughts to hurt me which it did but I told him. Do you realize how much this hurts me. I have never hurt you. I do everything that you wish or want from me. Do this for me.
After that day he has not gone towards it. He is talking everything out to me. We are working together to get past this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): ok, I know I sounded like a bitch. Sorry. I just have such a problem with the double standard that men can look at porn no mattter how it makes their partner feel. What do women do to men to equate that? Nothing! Then the porn habit is avidly defended to the complete elimination of their partners feelings. To me it says that the women in these relationships mean LESS than their partners, and how can anyone live that way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): Im with the no porn argument. When two people love eachother and have a relationship, they have these silly notions of caring if the other one is hurt. When one partner does something to hurt the other, partner A cares. Both partners try to sort out the issue, whatever it is, and come to a compromise. Sometimes the compromise is more in favor of ones perspective and sometimes it goes the other way, (you arent sleeping with woman because it scares him). Both partners need to feel appreciated and loved in a relationship. The alarms go off when one partner does something that hurts the other, then says "well, I like it so watch it with me or know that I do and shut up about it". Love is not about yourself, its about wanting to share your life with someone and actually puting them before you. Your happiness is defined by their happiness. You are together, and whats good for one is good for the other.
A person can masturbate with out porn. A person can be happy in the relationship without porn. A person cannot be happy in a relationship feeling like he/she is being cheated on on a constant basis. If the porn loving partner wants the relationship to work, then he has to accept that he is with someone who is not ok with porn. You tried the compromise and it didn't work. If the porn is that important to him, then he can pick to masturbate alone in his room while you pack up and leave.
I had the same issue, and thats exactly what I did. I told him that I cant love someone who wants to watch other people have sex and fantasize that he is there with them. He wanted me to be open minded, so I was. I had watched it with him and was disgusted! I couldnt live with it, could he live without it? Turns out he can! I think the people who argue that everyone watches it, or that he should watch it even if it hurts you, are just trying to justify an extraordinarily selfish and careless nature. Do what you think is right.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): Would it be fine if he just masturbated, without the porn?
Would it be okay if he read fictional stories? Or real stories?
Like, is it the "seeing other people have sex" or the "thought of other people having sex" that is the problem?
I never watched porn much, but I do consider masturbation a part of my sex life, and intend to keep it that way even if I get a partner.
If you and him have different views of cheating, that can be a real problem. You should probably discuss that with him.
Remember you're asking him to change who he is for you. He may want to do so, but it's not fair to assume he will, nor is it safe to assume he can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionceliaaletta-LOL. I know it seems like that. I know it might seem weird to believe but I never looked at porn till him, I tried to give it a chance, no lie. But it's sicking to me. I couldn't stand it. See I opened myself up to try to come to a middle ground with him, It made me more disgusted with myself, I pushed myself over the edge. When sad or angry I workout till I am very sick. But besides the point.The women, is my best friend since we were born. I believe I love her in different ways than him. Yes when I close my eyes I see her by my side but due to different things. I love her cause she is like me.(I suppose I love myself?lol)I don't think of her often but in truth I brought her into this cause (Like I stated before)It scares him.NiceGurl- Thank you for understanding my point in the last respond. Not alot of people look at it that way. But the life you are talking about! I'm thinking about making it ;)I'm sure in the next 10 to 15 years it will be men talking on this matter more than women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): The author presents a sound argument for me. I am of the position that there is little difference between emotional involvement and physical involvement - they both expend resources deservant for the actual partner.
Most women are taught from childhood that their partner lusting after another woman in his heart is equal to adultery. This conditioning is profoundly supported and accepted by women worldwide, so by the time they reach adulthood and discover their partners lust for other females, it's a frightening realization. And what's worse, is most men are attracted to other women without remorse. Very tough. And what's more astounding is that men, primarily, taught women this biblically-based ridiculousness. And they conditioned females to feel guilty for looking upon men with lust or want; that it's intolerable. An incredible dichotomy.
So, I appreciate the original author's last thoughtful questions.
Which brings me to a thought: what would the world be like if women could be surrounded by strip clubs where nude males served them meals and drinks, undulating to hot music, and pornography was only men serving women's pleasure, and billboards everywhere showed hot, ripped, pulsing male anatomy selling everything from entertainment to insurance. What a world would that be, huh, ladies ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee the issue you is, I'm not into that. I have only had two people in my life the women and him. I was brought up that porn can ruin a relationship. I do honestly believe that him watch porn is cheating in my own thought. Lets say you have sex with someone else other than your partner, we can all agree that's cheating.
But what about being in love with someone else, or thinking about someone else, other than your partner? It's not physical, but it's emotional... and that's what relationships are all about... So it's that cheating too? I would have to say yes. Would men not be emotionally scorned knowing that their wife is thinking about someone else?
Orgasming thinking about someone else?
Reaching climax watching someone else?
I don't know how men think that they can pull off and think about and lust after other women and say that they are faithful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's something that he fears, He was always afraid I would leave him for a women I feel in love with a long time ago. Yet He is more scared of how I am with women. He is never worried of me cheating on him with a guy, only women.So it was kind of a threat in my mind to him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I got advice from all points of view. I'm going to try talking to him. I will try switching it around. I've tried coming to an agreement. I hate being lied to when I ask about it. But our agreements come out bad. The only middle ground I will come to him on is if he gets to watch porn. Then I can go back to women. If he gets to do something he likes then so can I. Sadly I do believe this is cheating with every inch of my being. I was brought up to believe when with someone you never watch these things. I hate to say I'll let him see how much it hurts me. I'm the type of person who watches something for awhile and pressure the issue it hurts, when they ignore it I do something to them to make them hurt. I like the idea of pictures of different men while he does that NiceGirl. It seems like a good way to get the point across. Thank you everyone I will let you know for those who care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): In the beginning, I too felt like a hypocrite for "stooping" to someone else's level. Then I realized he violated my trust by telling me he doesn't and wouldn't, when he actually does and did. More importantly, it hit me that when my partner decides to do something with any facet of our relationship, such as sexual attraction, it makes it okay for me to do the same thing. If I don't respond in kind, it makes me the victim, and I am no victim.First, while I am actually a very peaceful and effective negotiator in my relationship, there are some animal behaviors that people usually never get past, and sex-based addictions is one of them. So the first thing I did was accept that with my boyfriend, because he doesn't have the mental capacity nor depth of understanding or pace of growth to accommodate a major change in this matter.I resolved that talking is ineffective. In fact it makes things worse because all he hears are muffled cartoonish sound effects. When my b/f, who lives in my house, discovered my naked guys, he fell apart. He was so hurt. He repeatedly told me that it will destroy us. And I just looked blank faced at him, letting it naturally occur to him that he placed me in the same position. I barely shrugged my shoulder and offered no consolation to his hurt. The only words I said were, "How do you feel?" and he said he is hurt and I need to stop. I told him I'll stop when he stops. I said when there is sufficient evidence to show he has zero desire and propensity to use porn, I'll drop my use of it too. It took him several months to get to the point of not expressing anguish about me admiring other men's bodies. I knew inside he was just a walking contradiction, and repeated myself: as evidence builds to show he resists porn urges, he'll see me get rid of mine. So now he now longer looks for my porn use, and is quiet. We get along. For me personally, all this has done a good thing; I went from the little good girl who doesn't lust after other men to admiring gorgeous guys; it's added one more pleasure in my life. The biggest thing is I don't feel enfuriated over the unfairness of it all, because I feel free now; like I can do whatever I want to do, including not obey any of his hypocritical demands.Of course I wish I had a man who saw me as the only sexy thing in the world. I would love for a partner to have no desire to use images of other women's bodies and faces for his pleasure. But I am choosing the problems that come with this man, so I choose to make things equal, and it buys me back my sanity and ability to go day to day. I know for myself that eye for an eye is the only language that speaks to a certain market.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): Im normally against stooping to someone elses standards, but nicegurl had a good idea! I might give it a try too. Ive tried 101 things to make him see how his porn watching makes me feel, but nothing ever works. I have yet to try this. I think I might...Nicegurl: how have things turned out since you tried this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): My partner is a porn addict too. He always lied to cover it up. He keeps a separate email account for it.Porn addicts don't quit.Here is the solution that worked for me:Download and save images and solo videos of hot sexy males onto the computer system he has access to. Put them in a folder you create for your porn. Playgirl.com has plenty. When he discovers your collection and "habit", feed him the same level of unbelievable lame lies he gives you; say you just like the stories surrounding the images, how these guys got to being in print. Then, don't display embarrassment, sadness, fear, or remorse. Just listen to him with a face of no-response. He'll likely pull a double standard line like my b/f: "This will destroy us" and then you can say, "I can see how." And don't feel bad, don't apologize, just sit there.Then turn around, and download and save some more to your collection. Let me tell you what this will do:1. Level the playing field; make it all equal, give him the opportunity to feel what you feel.2. Empower you; take away your feelings of helplessness, and show yourself you have just as much freedom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): This is a huge issue in my relationship too. I have a serious problem with my boyfriend watching porn, and the feelings of inadequacy it brings on to me. He will look at it while Im sleeping etc, I find out, then he trivializes it. He promises to stop looking if it upsets me that much, but then he does it again. It's like he spaces the times out enough that I forgive him every time. I too have done everything he has ever asked of me sexually, but it seems like its never enough. The point is not what you did or why you did it, but how it makes the person you care about feel. It doesnt matter if he thinks porn is ok, it hurts you, so thats what matters. People will lecture you on how porn is normal, but if you hate it he has to work with that. What if you thought oral sex wasnt cheating and went around servicing the neighborhood? He would be hurt, so you wouldn't do it. I guess Im not saying all this to give you advice, but to sympathize with you. Im right there with you.
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A
male
reader, mr motivator  +, writes (21 April 2010):
I wouldnt give him the courtesy of a real conversation in contrast to the poster before, play hard ball
Walk away from him for a week stop somewhere else minimise contact, and then go back to him and say, i know you felt like nothing when i walked out and thats how i feel when you watch porn...
Keep walking out for longer and longer each time, and if porn is that important to him move on, if your worth something to him he will stop
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female
reader, toniaa +, writes (20 April 2010):
 hi there
my advice would be for use to sit down with eachother and have a real serious conversation about this. tell him exactly how you feel about him going on and watching porn. also tell him that he is hurting you when he goes on it because you have asked him to stop. some men and women will go onto porn as they rnt getting enough attention at home from their partners. if this is the case change things a little ask him what he would like you to do to him and tell him what you want from him. let me no how this goes
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