A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I want your opinion on this .Well my mom has fallen sick and I have to work because I have a 17 year old son at home and he watches my mom while I work so when I get paid I shower him with money and clothes and shoes. I would like to know I'm I enabling him on how to become a responsible grown young man.My siblings tend to think I am spoiling him.Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2013): There is a quote I love. It says, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime." The best way to show love to your children is to prepare them for the real world. There is no gift more valuable to a child than that. My boyfriend's mother tries to do EVERYTHING for him. He is in his late 30's and he doesn't even know how to go shopping for himself. Don't get me wrong I adore him, but it is hard sometimes to take on the role of "mother" and show him things that he SHOULD know but he was never taught because he was coddled so much throughout his life. My boyfriend knows how much he is coddled and he doesn't like it. We were at the movies one time watching The Descendants (with George Clooney) and there was a part where he says, "give your children enough money to do something, but not so much that they'll do nothing." And he looked directly at his mother, a bit begrudgingly. Because he looks back and knows that, especially when he was younger, it affected him a lot in his life. I don't see anything wrong with you providing as much as you do for your son. But try to keep it balanced. Let him understand the value of money. Teach him the value of giving; of working; of taking care of himself. Teaching your son values is just as important as giving him gifts that you feel he needs. If you always get him what he wants, once he gets out in the real world he is going to expect too much and is not going to be able to handle not getting what he wants. That attitude is going to hurt him in the long run, not help him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Thanks for the feedback my son is a part time student in school his grades are great and he is in sports. My son cooks, cleans, and makes sure my mom is comfortable so this is why I do what I can for him.But in a couple of months he will be working at this fast food restaurant so I think he is on the right track.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (29 December 2012):
It doesn’t matter whether you pay him for his work caring for your sick mother, or whether you reward him with gifts. The main thing is to make sure he knows that everything in life needs to be earned and you have to work hard for it. Presumably you buy him things because he’s caring for his grandmother instead of working elsewhere, so make sure he knows you do this in recognition of his hard work and not because people just shower you with gifts the whole time in life for nothing. Do that, and yes you’re definitely showing him a good example of how to be a responsible young man.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 I would not say you are spoiling him. In fact, if he his taking full time care of a sick adult in your lieu, and therefore giving up the possibility of getting gainful employement, or continuing his education, to fulfill this committment - then, frankly, I'd say it's the least you can do . As much as you "shower", I think, it won't be as much as he'd get for the same type of job in a nursing home or retirement home. Besides, since he is a minor without independent income, the obligation of providing him shoes and clothing would still befall on you anyway,- maybe now you are being more generous than usual in that, then again he is not the average teenager who's just giving a half hearted hand every now and then taking out the trash and such.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 December 2012):
 I agree with FA. Rather than 'showering' your son with gifts, work out an hourly rate for a carer and pay him that.
When you go to work, you are not 'showered' with gifts from your employer are you?...So show your son that by being responsible and committing to do a job will lead to a fair wage.
He is 17, he is old enough to choose what he spends his money on, especially his clothes. Choosing what 'items' he 'earns' is not teaching him responsibility.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 December 2012):
 So, he doesn't have a job. He works at home. What he does at home is necessary. You reward him for doing it.
At that point it all sounds o k. When you say you shower him with money clothes and shoes it sounds a bit fishy. Or more like spoiling. If you want him to be more responsible. Pay him a fixed rate for what he does. Charge him rent and board. And, it would also be good for him to have some part time work, or part time higher education. That is going to be limited by his Responsibility to help with your Mother.
For his own good it needs to be a job to him.
FA
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