A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Got a concern with my girlfriend - I am a private person by nature and my concern is this.My girlfriend sent me a screenshot of her girls chat. Her friend is talking to someone and slept with him. The chat was them saying how he stayed the night, and them asking her to tell them everything. The friend replied she will give a " detailed account of what happened" in a bit.On another occasion my girlfriend asked me potential reasons why a guy would not want to have sex. This came from another friend of hers telling them of sexual issues they had due a lack of desire from her partner.My concern is this - Am i dumb in thinking she keeps my stuff private. I hate the idea of my relationship and or personal discussions being told to other people. I dont talk to my friends about anything about her but how good things are as I respect the privacy of our relationship.I wont cop the excuse its a girls thing cause thats sexist garbageIs this common for all women and should I choose to accept it or stay single or should I bail out now and fine someone else? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2020): Female anon here. Code Warrior I have to say...great answer to my post. I see what you mean too. Your prose was brilliant! And I now agree with you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2020): Realistically, it is very difficult to control what other people share or talk about. If you prefer she be discrete about your relationship; you could always make that suggestion. However, if you know she tends to gossip and share secrets with her friends; it's reasonable to assume she has been sharing things all along. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.
At best, you'll always feel somewhat paranoid about people knowing things you'd prefer they didn't. This is a trust issue. Relationships can't survive without trust.
It comes down to what you consider to be deal-breakers; or what might compromise the continuance of your relationship. Blabbermouths and gossips don't tend to hold much regard for privacy. Sometimes people like listening, but don't disclose much about their own affairs. Maybe she doesn't offer much about her own relationship, or you in particular; but it's idle-chat and girltalk, which is usually soon forgotten.
If you firmly believe you can't trust her to be discrete and private; but her loose-tongue is something you consider would cause you a lot of discomfort and anxiety. Maybe you might consider this is the end of the road for this relationship.
People who are chatty usually don't change; so you need to weigh your pros and cons. You should first discuss your concerns. Make it clear to her you are a private person, and your trust in her is quite shaky. If she feels her life should be an open book, fine; then you would prefer not to remain in a relationship with someone like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): If you found someone else, you'd still have the same dilemma. I hate that type of gossip and have never ever discussed my sex life with anyone in any kind of detail. I might intimate whether or not they were generally good and whether or not I enjoyed it, but that would be all. I tell my sister things about me and my life in general and then find that all her friends know everything I've talked about. I hate that, so I know how you feel. If I want her to keep something private I let her know in advance of saying something and then cross my fingers she won't gossip. I've asked her not to and she seems affronted when I mention it, but I'm not sure if she keeps my info private or not.Ask your girlfriend to not discuss your sex life in detail as you hate the idea of being gossiped about. And then hope that she respects that. And by the way, I understood what you meant when you said that you know it's not just women that do this, that would be sexist and then went on to ask, 'Do all women do this?' After all, you asked 'Do ALL women do this?', not ' Do JUST women do this? I understand the difference.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2020):
 Eh it's not a girl's thing only. It's not either a guy's thing only, although "locker room talk " may very well include the report of personal experiences. Here in Italy, at least in small provincial towns - guys gather at the local sidewalk cafes , and spend hours talking about 1) soccer 2 ) what they did / will do / would do if they only could to this woman and that one.
It's a °people's° thing. There are a lot of braggarts and blabbermouths around.
One should never " kiss and tell ", but...it is what it is , not what it should be.
Luckily, it's also a young people's thing , in my perception. Teenagers , maybe early 20s will be eager to compare notes, sizes, positions, preferences...it's a way to garner experience , get reassurance and find validation, and to bond with their peers as well. But,it tends to go away , sort of naturally , while people grow and mature and ditch the pack mentality. Some people do not ever really mature and become emotionally adult- but hopefully that's not your gf's case. Although, it may be her friend's case.
You don't have to accept it, and you don't have to " bail out now and find someone else " ( btw, how would you know , at least at the beginning, if the new gf is a more private person that the previous one ? would you make her sign a non-disclosure agreement ?? )
I think it's enough that you TELL your gf what you told us, that you are a reserved type who does not believe in sharing infos about his relationship and personal stuff, and that you'd be offended and upset if she did that. If you can trust her, and you know she loves you and respect you, you also know she'll understand and comply .
Then again, if you cannot trust her, and if you doubt that she really loves you and respects you, - maybe you should not be with her anyway !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): I think Code Warrior is right: People tend to have likeminded friends. But I also suspect that sharing intimate details with other people than your partner is a question of age. In our early twenties, my best friend and I would talk about every little detail. However, I know virtually nothing about her man now, nor she about mine.
If I was you, before breaking up on a mere suspicion, I would probably sit her down and tell her how I feel about sharing details about my private life. Chances are she might actually respect your wishes!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 October 2020):
 I don't quite agree with Code Warrior on who talks about intimate details and who don't.
From my own experience I have NEVER given details about my partner that I didn't think HE would want discussed. I'd say sex life is great but not go into specific details of what, where, what size, what sounds, how long
etc... But many of my friends were VERY detailed to a degree that I would at times tell them TMI and they would respect my wish to NOT hear those details. And I have known guy who were "silent" on details and others who likes to share all kind of salacious details. So it's definitely not just a "girl" thing but many girls DO tend to share TMI information, almost like a bragging right.
I have never been a fan of gossip.
I would just sit her down and ask her straight up, if she also gives out intimate details or not, because it makes you uncomfortable to think you have no real "privacy" there.
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