A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Three nights ago I slept with my best friend - male. We had arranged to meet up, go for food and drink and he would stay at mine. We had a really good night as we always do but we both got drunk and he started telling me He fancied me and how much he liked me. Things have being a bit flirty while messaging but I valued his friendship more. I do love him as a friend but not in love with him. We went back to mine and we ended up sleeping together. He didn’t leave until the next day and we have texted and messaged until the other day. I’ve being messaging him as we used to do before, back to being friends but now he takes ages to reply or is online but chooses to read them and not reply. We haven’t spoke about what happened and I’ve being messaging like we used to as in friends. Things feel awkward now between us and he’s making me feel crap about myself. I didn’t want this to happen and want our friendship back to how it was. I miss talking to him. Should I let It ride or ask him if he wants a chat about it.?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): Some of your misgivings are from your age. I'm older, and have several friends with benefits. We enjoy the sex, and have a normal relationship the rest of the time. All of them are aware of the other, we have no long term expectations, just sex when we want it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2020): I’m the OP on this thread. We have being messaging each other a lot since then and a lot of voice recordings. We seem to have gone back to how we were but I still feel that there’s an ‘elephant in the room’ kind of thing. He doesn’t banter with me like he did. He’s not he’s jokey self. I just want it to back to how it was. It was more than just he fancied me, he poured his heart out and the next day he was cuddling into me and saying let’s just stay here but I felt uncomfortable with it all. I think we maybe need to talk it out but I don’t want our friendship to end.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 October 2020):
 I agree with the unbiased observer WiseOwlE- this guy is a being a d!ck.
Mine is just a hunch, a sensation, I have no scientific evidence to show you... but my idea is that he sort of used you for sex. "Sort of" because it wasn't exactly pre-planned or a set up,...yet I think that all the "I liked you and I fancied you" were more what he felt was expected from him ,and what you wanted to hear to , ahem, seal the deal more expeditely, than a real reflection of the situation. In other words, obviously there was / is an attraction between you, but if he is now distancing yourself from you is because he does not want you to " get ideas " about this attraction.
He does not want you to think that this attraction gives you any special rights to his time, attention and affection. He does not want you to think that it may lead somewhere more than where it led to already, i.e. an occasional drunken fumble.
Of course you may say "WTF ? I am not in love with this guy, and I would not date him if he were the last man left on Earth ! " - but he does not quite believe that. It may be a cliche' that girls always get attached to the men they have sex with- but a cliche' gets to be such -because it has happened time and again before !, and , just in case, he wants to avoid that you may think about what happened as something more than a night of casual fun. That's why he is sort of standoffish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): [EDIT]: Found some typos
"He's staying out of sight; until you've had time to adjust to the weirdness, and decide whether [it] is doable."
"If you feel absolutely no romantic-attraction for him;, it is very very important that you let him know that, in no uncertain terms!"
"The best way to allow friendship to reshape into [its] original configuration is to talk it out; and clarify where both your heads were at that night."
P.S.
The fact you've written a post about it, means you're not sure if he might have taken advantage of you, and if that's why he's hiding? Talk before you draw any final-conclusion. You're not stupid, you know him will enough to tell when he's embarrassed, or if he's now being a d!ck!!! As an unbiased observer, it is my opinion that avoiding you makes him a d!ck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): "Words said while you're buzzed can't always be taken seriously. Unless they're threatening or offensive."
Let me add the word "NO!" That should never be misunderstood, and always taken seriously!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2020): As usual, you blame it on the alcohol! One thing led to another, and...
There are some lines you don't cross; and there are certain barriers that keep us comfortably in the friend-zone. Now he's avoiding you, because it was more or less a set-up. He didn't mean what he told you about fancying you. Not in a let's be boyfriend and girlfriend kind of way. More like, now we can explore the unchartered domain of friends with benefits! When I said he didn't mean what he said; I meant all the flirty fluffy-stuff! He just said what he had to; because he was horny, and that's what it took to get your consent and lower your guard. Words said while you're buzzed can't always be taken seriously. Unless they're threatening or offensive. Then interpretation and intent comes into question. Was he really serious or what? Know what I mean?
Alrighty then, now what do we do? The barricade has been crashed; and the once uncomplicated atmosphere of friendship isn't the same as it was before. Now the air is thick and humid. Feeling a little sticky with awkwardness, and just a teeny tiny hint of shame.
Now that you've crossed the line, the questions is...will you cross it again?
You gave-way to your impulses and hormones in order to release sexual-tension; but now you don't really feel quite right about it in the aftermath. He's staying out of sight; until you've had time to adjust to the weirdness, and decide whether is doable. For future purposes!
The best way to allow friendship to reshape into it's original configuration is to talk it out; and clarify where both your heads were at that night. You have to reestablish the barriers and redefine the boundaries to decide if you're exploring romance; or that particular incident was just a fluke. It doesn't help when he gets all creepy and doesn't respond to messages! You're not a couple of teenagers. You're adults.
I truly suspect that he may feel a little guilty; because deep down inside, he knows he was taking advantage of you. If you don't feel that way; let him know that's not where your head's at! If you feel absolutely no romantic-attraction for him;, it is very very important that you let him know that in no uncertain terms. It should be mutually-agreed that it will never happen again. Things get really complicated when you're no longer on the same-page.
Dudes and ladies have different mindsets about these things. He's avoiding you, because he's scared you took him seriously when he said he fancied you; but it was the booze talking. Maybe some hidden feelings leaked; but he knows you don't reciprocate them.
Pause, rewind, and reset. Tell him you're not interested in crossing those lines; and you want to take the friendship back to where it was. Even if he does genuinely have a crush; you don't feel the same. The weird thing is, it will always be in the back of your mind whether he's infatuated, or are things really back to normal? Frankly speaking, it will never be the same; but you can get pretty close to it. Just don't let alcohol blur the lines; because being f-buddies isn't the same as being friends. Somebody usually gets hurt, or an unplanned pregnancy suddenly pops out of nowhere!
Talk it out, and clarify where your head is at. Friends with benefits is not where you want to take things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 October 2020):
 I think you have to accept that YOU did make a mistake and that HE isn't as much in "fancy" with you as he claimed, to me it sounds like he likes you and when the opportunity arose he had sex with you.
But he isn't TRYING to make this more than JUST sex.
I think he is kind of NOT replying and taking to you as a "preempt" way of not getting rejected by you. OR, he just used you.
Neither are good signs.
You can't unscramble an egg, or unring a bell. Like CodeWarrior said.
Being drunk is not an excuse. You made your bed, now you have to lie in it. Sleeping with him was a dumb mistake IF you didn't want to change your friendship. Just like it was a dumb mistake on his side to tell you about his crush on you.
For now I would stop reaching out. I would in fact NOT talk to him for a good while, so you both can process it and perhaps THEN you two can talk.
I seriously doubt you can go back to being friends.
Sorry, I'd say work on having friends you WILL not sleep with if you want friendships.
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