A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 3yrs now. We got married in feb 2012... He has a drinking problem. He stopped for 6 months that is why I agreed to marry him. I have 3 kids he has 2 we bought a house a yr and half ago. Here is the problem and I don't know what to do. He started drinking heavily at the beginning of the summer. And I couldn't figure out why. My husband's job is he works with kids. So I started getting nervous. Well about a month ago he pasted out in the living rm with his email on his phone opened. He had a love email from one of his kids at school parents. Needless to say she went ballistic when she found out he was married ... So I called his work which I never do ... When his boss answered I said it was his wife. Guess what ... They never knew he got married and he told me that he had been having a relationship for 8 months... Before we got married and after!!! ... About a week after all this comes out he spent a week totally drunk only waking up to drink and yelled at me... Then he gets up drunk as a skunk and drives over to the womens house... After he pushes me into a wall drives over 30 miles drunk I call the police they pick him up at the ladies house ... And commit him.. He spent 7 days in acetic unit comes out and is taking the medication that makes you sick when you drink. He was fired last week for instructor misconduct.. And today he is drinking and puking and telling me it is all my fault!!! Am I driving him to drink???
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Unless you physcally pour drinks down his throat then no we're all in control of what we ingest. You might be his excuse but likely not the reason unless you deny him sex or something dumb like that.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 God no you are not! He's done this to himself. He's been juggling two women for months. He's drinking to drown out his guilt. He's been screwing around behind your back and you want to blame yourself? Come on! He may possibly be an alcoholic, but that was a habit he formed long before you. Stop blaming yourself. He's an idiot I'm sorry to say. And now you're married to this lying, cheating idiot. While he's taking these drugs you should insist on marital counseling. He will cheat again. They always do.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (5 September 2012):
After reading this story, I'm surprised you're not the one that has been driven to alcohol abuse!
No, dear. You are absolutely not driving him to drink. He's choosing to cope with his idiotic behavior by drinking. Unless you're there pouring alcohol down his throat against his will, you're not driving him to dink.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 And I was raised by an alcoholic. This is in no way your fault. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Blaming others allows drunks to distance themselves from their behaviour and protects them from being overwhelmed by the shame of it. Accepting the blame allows drunks to distance themselves from their behaviour....and so on.
Your husband is clearly out of control and he is potentially dangerous so I recommend that if you choose to help and support him you do so from a safe distance. Personally, I think your better to speak to an attorney and consider leaving him as soon as possible. Do NOT tell him what your plans are ahead of time as that might send him further over the edge placing you and the kids (and possibly others) in extreme peril.
At the very elast do not suffer this alone. Create a supoprt network and keep proof of his misconduct ni a safe place he can't access. If you're not ready to leave him now then get your ducks in a row for when you are.
His drinking and the state of his life is not something you've done to him. It's something he has done to you, your kids, himself and others.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 September 2012):
 I feel for you. I was married to an alcoholic. Do not for a minute buy into his story that its your fault. Alcoholics are some of the most conniving, manipulative people you'd ever want to meet. They will blame anyone and anything and EVERYTHING except themselves for their problems and their drinking. They cannot accept or admit that its their fault. And until they do accept that they are to blame, its a life of hell. He needs professional help STAT. If he doesn't get it, he'll just get worse and worse. Please get help for yourself if you can't help him. Go to Al-anon, get counselling. One last thing that's very important to know...you can't make him do anything about his drinking. You can beg, cry, scream but until he wants to get help and realizes that he needs help...its not going to work. My ex almost died and wound up spending a year in a nursing home dying of cirrhosis of the liver before he FINALLY admitted that he had a drinking problem. By then he had lost his job, his wife, his home and the respect of his children. I pray your husband doesn't fall down that far into the hole of alcoholism. Be strong and please seek help for yourself. Do not blame yourself. He chose to drink, and has to be responsible for his actions, not you. No one poured the alcohol down his throat. I wish you all the best.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Alcoholics will use any reason whatsoever to turn to the bottle -- so no you aren't driving him to drink. They are looking to dull out life's pains by numbing their feelings and dealing with their fears.
He has a serious problem that needs PROFESSIONAL treatment. If what you say is true, he is more than likely an alcoholic. He may have promised you that he'd quit drinking before you got married -- and some alcoholics can manage without booze for a bit -- but eventually the "disease" comes roaring back. I feel bad for you and your children since you bought into his lies and are now paying the price for it.
I would urge you to check out AlaNon(http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) where you can learn more about what your husband is dealing with and how to best address it. In addition, I'd urge you to have some sort of intervention for him.
Alcoholism only gets worse as time goes on and he is going to drink until he gets help or hits rock bottom.
Your marriage will depend upon what you do at this point and if you choose to do nothing, I suspect your life with this guy will only get worse. Also, your children are being exposed to his behavior and are witnessing something that may negatively affect their childhood. So I do hope that you seek help -- either through alanon (where you'll find others who can help you and have experienced what you are going through) or by staging an intervention with a medical professional. Also, you may have to come to a decision on whether you want to invest more time, your children's childhoods, money, and energy into a man who told you he was going to quit drinking and didn't.
Again, I urge you to take action... wishing it will go away simply isn't going to make it better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): He sounds like an absolute wreck. And he's lucky he hasn't caused any actual wrecks. He needs to go to Rehab. He needs to know that you will support him only if he follows though and lives sober.
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