A
female
age
36-40,
*ubblygirl
writes:I am stuck and need serious advice.I just got out of an abusive relationship (emotionally, verbally and recently, physically) and trying to recover. We bought a condo together but he put the mortgage under his name. I, however, paid the lawyer costs, as well as buying furniture with him and paying half the bills while I lived there until I moved out and back home. He owes me about $4000 (not counting furniture and past bills) and I really need the money back to move out on my own and re-buy my own furniture but he is emotionally draining and flies into a rage with money. How do I do this? I dont know if I should drag this out in court or how I can convince him its just the right thing to do.I honestly need an answer to end this nightmare
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 You say that he owes you about $4,000 because of money you paid in order to buy a condo and move in together? Why is it not in your name then? After you moved in, who paid the mortgage? How much did he pay for the move-in? Did he pay the down payment and closing costs?
I say this because it will be really hard to win this case in court if both of you were equal contributors. You didn't loan him money that he used on himself. You invested money in a promised mutual future together. This future didn't materialize. Yes, he's a snake, and YES, you need to have your name on every legal undertaking you ever go into on someone you're not married to, and that lesson here looks to cost you about $4,000.
The only thing I can see you being able to go after in a court of law is the furniture you bought. If you can prove that you bought them (CC statements, store receipts, line items on a bank statement), then you could go to conciliation court and demand the return of those items to you within a set amount of days OR monetary compensation if that's not possible due to him giving away or destroying it.
The other stuff (paying the lawyers) you invested in for yourself, so that is not collectible. You also paid his bills, which are also not collectible because it was not a loan.
I would tell you that if you continue to go after him to collect money from him, it's going to really hurt you. The best thing you can do is walk away. Get him, his voice, his presence, his toxicity out of your life forever, especially if it's regressed to him hitting you.
You have to walk away. This is an expensive lesson learned, and we have all been there at one point or another. I guarantee that if you ever went with another guy to move in, you'll be looking at fine print, getting his agreements in writing, and covering yourself legally a lot more than now.
This is actually precisely the reason why I don't like the concept of moving in together before marriage, because one person can blow it up and leave the other holding the bag with no or hardly any legal recourse.
Bottom line:
1. You paying half the bills while you lived there isn't collectible. You lived there.
2. Paying lawyer costs isn't collectible. You lived there and invested in what he had said was your future. Unless you have something written, signed, and notarized stating the money was a loan, it's not going to hold up in court.
3. If he's in possession of furniture you bought, you can go to court and demand the furniture back if you can prove that you bought it. You can't choose to make him pay you unless he gave away, sold, or destroyed it. The judge will issue a writ giving you 'x' amount of days to retrieve it, and in some states possible sheriff's escort for your safety.
Given what you talked about, walking away is the best course of action. If this guy is as bad for you as you've said, you shouldn't spend one more second thinking about him, trying to stay in contact with him about money or anything else, and moving on very much wiser. Don't fall into the trap of letting money be an excuse for you to stay in his world. Walk away.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Hi
You could write to him, a professional letter, laying out exactly how much you want and what you paid out, then send recorded or registered. Its better to do that than put yourself at risk face to face.
If he doesnt pay up, then bar an expensive court battle,which you could lose, theres not much you can do.
Look on it as your housing costs - you would have been paying rent to a landlord,bills,food etc wherever you were living so all you've lost is the furniture cost and lawyer fees,which I take it you willingly paid.
You have learnt a hard lesson but got out of a bad relationship and will have peace of mind and a better future, so its worth it in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (5 September 2012):
 I understand you're having financial difficulties and the $4000 he owes you would go a long way to helping you rebuild your life. But if your ex is potentially dangerous you have to ask yourself what your safety is worth.
If, after a cold hard review of the facts, you believe the risk of reprisal is minimal and the money that important then speak to an attorney.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2012): "I honestly need an answer to end this nightmare."
You can't solve this problem by yourself, boyfriend won't let you as the tactics he's using against you have already proven.
Plus he can easily dispute your claim that you "bought a condo together" since you're not married and your name's not on the mortgage. The legal system is designed to equitably divide assests of couples who are legally married, not shacking up and playing house.
You need to hire a lawyer and let him/her do your talking to your boyfiend. It will cost you a chunk of the $4000 you're owed, but it's your only hope of getting anything back given the inherent disadvantages of your current situation.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 September 2012):
 I think there are only two ways to go about fixing your problem:
1) Take him to court. This could be prohibitively expensive and lengthy. Don't expect immediate redress (it may take months or even years to see any form of money). In addition, your lawyer, will likely take your immediate money today plus well more than your furniture is worth.
2) Walk away. Take this as a life-lesson and count your blessings that you didn't make a child with this man or have your name tied to his mortgage / credit line. And most importantly you are leaving alive and with your health.
Honestly, your chances of convincing him through logic or emotional reasoning is virtually nil -- especially considering what he put you through.
Again, I'd urge you take your lumps on this one and be grateful that you didn't invest more time and money into this cretin.
Good luck.
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