A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help.I've been in a relationship with the same guy now for several years, but it never seems to be leading anywhere.I find it difficult to discuss our future with him. He's so laid back about it.. like we have unlimited time.. but I'm pushing 30 and need to know that he wants the same things as me. i.e. the family.. the marriage and the home. He's in his early 30's and still lives with his parents.. and it's something I've always been concerned about.The other worrying thing is that his parents seem to have some kind of hold over him. I would literally feel nervous as hell to imagine standing in front of them and telling them we're engaged (if we were ever to GET to that point).. they have always given off the subtle hint that I'm taking their son away.We had a rocky time last year, where a woman (a friend of his) tried to come between us. He wasn't aware of her plans to be more than friends and found himself stuck in an awkward situation once he realised what was happening. Oh, believe me.. I have analysed and talked this thing out to death.. and there's NOTHING more than what he's told me during our 100 hours of conversation. He immediately ended all contact with her.. but at the time I found out, I was left not knowing the truth about what happened.. and we didn't speak for months. It was the hardest time of both of our lives and we realised how much we loved each other. Now that everything between us is out in the open.. there's trust issues there on my side.. but I feel now more than ever that I need more commitment from him.. I need to know he's SERIOUS about making this work with me.. making a life with me.I've just finished a degree and I'm in a dead-end job at the moment.. basically waiting on what will happen with us. I know it's REDICULOUS to take a crap-end job when I've just finished a degree with honours.. but something stops me from looking to move forward. I love this man more than anything in the world and I know he feels the same about me.. so does my family.. but they believe he's too selfish to make a commitment to me and I'm scared they're right.I've decided to actually ACTIVELY start applying for work outside my small town. I'm planning on moving away and starting a new chapter in life - the hardest thing I'll EVER have to do. I'm SECRETLY pathetically hoping he'll chase me down with a ring and tell me he can't live without me. Is this rediculous? Does this sort of thing happen OUTSIDE of romance movies and novels? Do you think it will take me leaving for him to wake up out of his comfort zone and realise I'm not going to stick around to fill the empty spaces in his life and that I want more? We've talked about it till I'm blue in the face, but I think actions speak louder than words.Please let me know if you think I'm doing the right thing. Other than this issue with us making further commitment.. we are absolutely in love, loyal and honest with each other.. and the best of friends. I'm crazy about him and we've shared so much history. It frustrates me that we're happier and more compatible than most married couples I know.. but I don't have that shared home.. or that ring on my finger.. nothing from him to really say I'm 'the one' for him.Look forward to hearing your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): Wow.. thank you SO much everyone for taking the time out of your day to reply to my over-emotional post hehe.
The thing is, I DO communicate how I feel.. EVERY day.. I don't tell him I want a ring on my finger.. but I tell him I need to know we want the same things and that he can see himself having kids, being married and having a family with me. He looks me right in the eyes and says that's what he wants to.. but something's just missing.. - the PROGRESSION. WHEN does he want these things? It's like he seems to think we have loads of time and there's no point in planning yet. He talks about his future like it's somewhere far away, like when we talked about things when I was 20! It's like he can't CLICK that we're actually THERE now.. and it's time to grow up.
I have really made my feeling clear to him repeatedly. I will move on and take a job elsewhere.. keep in touch.. and hope things work out for us.. but if not, at least I'm not wasting any more time in the waiting room for my life to start :) Thanks for helping me reach my decision.
A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 You are in the driving seat of this relationship and things will only happen if you insist, because hes laid back and happy to leave things to you and his mum. Its natural for you to want a career and family and the clocks starting to tick! You have the degree and can plan a career. And you have the man you want. So propose to him. If hes never going to propose to you, its the only way to move things along! Ask for a straight yes or no. Dont be fobbed off with lame excuses. If he turns you down it will be hard for a while but you will recover. And it has to better than wasting your time if he doesnt want marriage and children with you.
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A
female
reader, samyum  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Ditto to the above answer big time COMMUNICATION is the key
if you cant do that ...it aint gonna work
Do what you have to do you dont want to live with regrets
We only get one chance here on this earth open your arms and heart and take what you need
No your not ridiculous
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): i now how you feel. i posted earlier. feel alone but dont want o leave.. no replies and im about to make the biggest decision of my life and leave someone i love with all my heart because he is scared of commitment. im sure you will do whats best for you in the end. hope it works out for you i really do. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): I think you should deliver an ultimatum. If you just move away, the chances are he won't run after you. Give him a chance to go with you and to start a new life together. Is it possible that he is just embarrassed/shy about leaving his home and becomimng a real man. Perhaps he is scared that something will go wrong. At the end of the day, you have to tell him what you want and if he doesn't want the same or give you what you need then perhaps you need to move on. Maybe then he might come after you.
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