A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay, so this is kind of a long story (sorry in advance!)I am good friends with my roommate's boyfriend and his two roommates ( the two households hang out together a lot). One of them (let's call him Jake) and I started talking. My roommate had told me that he was the kind of guy that really had to get to know a girl well before asking her out, but that he was definitely interested. As time went on, I started to get very impatient. At one point, Jake had told me that he liked me, but was not 100% sure he was in the right place for a relationship. As he said, he could "half-ass it," but that would not be fair to me. So, things kept going the way they were (just talking and hanging out, nothing physical other than sitting closer together and me having his arm in a vice grip when watching a scary movie). Then, his other roommate and my roommate's boyfriend started saying stuff about how I was too good for Jack. I thought it was just because he wasn't making a move yet, so I let it go. Then Jake's roommate (who by the way is one of the BEST, sweetest, most honest guys I've ever met--and is also dating one of my friends) told me that Jake has been playing me this whole time; that he had been using me to flirt with and such. There was another girl that he liked and wanted to date, but apparently things were not going so well with her.So, my plan was just to stop talking to Jake entirely. He had been out of town, and I did not want to have to talk about this via Facebook or texting (our usual modes of communication), plus I wanted him to come to me. He knows something's wrong (he has asked my friends about my silence towards him) but he won't directly come to me. It has been almost a month since I found out what was really going on. I feel like if I try talking to him now, I won't know what to say. I've had my time to be angry, and I've somewhat forgiven him (doesn't mean I'll go back to the way things were though!). I don't know what to do other than continue not talking to him until he gets the message that he needs to come to me.So, after all that rambling on, my question is: Am I doing the right thing in giving him the silent treatment to make him man up and come talk to me?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (9 February 2012):
 I agree with the first answer. I don't think it matters whatever you do, Jake won't really care one way or the other.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): No you're the one who needs to "man up" (even though you're a woman). You're being childish for several reasons:
1. he already said he's not interested in getting into a relationship with you. He's got his hopes on another girl. You should respect his feelings. you should also be realistic and accept that he just doesn't want a relationship with you, "silent treatment" or not. in fact I think it's a bit strange that you would think that of all things giving him the cold shoulder should make him like you more? it's actually rather rude.
2. now that you've stopped talking to him, and he's apparently taken your lead and stopped talking to you, now you've painted yourself into a corner where to keep your pride you have to continue to not talk to him indefinitely. but this won't make him come to you, more likely is that when you cut off contact with someone it weakens the relationship so he'll probably just drift away altogether.
you need to (a) accept and respect that he doesn't want a relationship so readjust your attitude towards him (b) cut the crap and stop treating him rudely just because you can't have what you want, that's not fair to him it's not even being a friend.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 February 2012):
 This seems to be one more confirmation of what may be a cliche' but I strongly believe to be true : when people tell you that they are not ready for a relationship, or not in a good place for a reationship blah blah, it just means they don't want a relationship WITH YOU. Be a good sport and mentally thank Jake for having thought something very useful for your future dating life.
Because if someone really likes you, but really really likes you, he/she will want to be with you, and no considerations of having not enough time / being focused on work/ doing the " me thing " etc.etc. will prevail.
So, " I don't want a relationship atm " = I am not that into you.
Said that, no yo are not doing the right thing. In the sense that Jake probably does not care and has not given much thoght to the matter so he will shrug you off as "PMSing chick ". And in the sense that he has not done anything so terribly wrong, he has not told you or promised you anything for then taking it back. He has been friendly, he has spent some time with you becase obviously he thinks you are personable, pleasant company, he has flirted a bit - but not too much from what you report, so if you, with the misguided help of your roommate, got too high expectations you can't blame him.
If you want to go back to a normal friendship, - "unfreeze " him and act casual and normal, nothing major really happened. If you don't, keep your distance but without hostility, which would change nothing anyway .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): "Am I doing the right thing in giving Jake the silent treatment to make him man up and come talk to me?"
Don't even need to read your War and Peace-length sub-microscopic rehash of trivial events to answer your question.
No, you're not doing the right thing for several reasons. You can't "make" Jake do anything, Jake is a pussy(cat) who is never going to be a man so he can't "man up," giving him the silent treatment is as juvenile as whatever behavior you believe Jake needs to "man up" for, and lastly the silent treatment is never effective when used as a weapon against someone who wouldn't listen to you anyway, so Jake wouldn't even know or care he's getting it from you.
In short, whatever your complaints about Jake, he's a loser you shouldn't waste any more time on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): I don't think it really matters what you do because Jake isn't into you. Ignoring him or coming on strong to him won't make him crazy about you so I would just drop the games and accept that a relationship with him is not in the cards.
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