A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met my gf on a dating site 15 months ago. She was initially unresponsive, saying later it was due to the distance between us, but after persistance, she eventually emailed me back and we started talking. Ide seen her picture and read her profile, and it was almost as if it was love at first sight. She said she was unable to talk on messenger for the weekend as she was away visiting an old school friend, but later did tell me that she had arranged to meet with another person from the dating site and had decided not to go, after we had spent two days talking. Everything appeared fine, and after ten days, she came to meet me. We had a lovely few days in which she extended her visit twice, resulting in me driving her 250 miles home. After a month or so, I asked her if she would send me a few naked pics of herself and she said she'd never done that and wouldnt, which I excepted. However after a visit to me two months after we'd met, she had inadvertantly left her email account open when returning home. I really didnt realise, not ever having anybody else use my pc, that this was possible and opened it without realising. ( Nobody has ever used a pc of mine before, and so I was a little naive). I realised shortly after that this wasnt my account, and foolishly then got this idea to see whether she had kept all our emails from each other, as I had. However, I was totally shattered by what I found. She had sent naked pictures, to two men and had conversed on sexual sites with another, describing rape fantasies. Whether or not there were any other pics that had been deleted I do not know. There were other men too that in a short period of time she had met with or described meeting up with. I asked her when she got home again, had she ever taken any pics, or sent any and she laughed saying she would remember such things and it was a daft question. She vehemently denied ever taking or sending any. Even though I really had fallen head over heels in love with her, I decided to break from the relationship. However she begged me to take her back and explained its because she liked me so much that she hadnt told me about them. I even wrote her a few short stories like the one I had read on her rape email and sent them to her. On her next visit, I asked her then to be honest and tell me all about her past, as some of the things I'de read disturbed me. There were emails detailing how her previous partner had been reading text messages on her mobile telephone, how she was booking hotel rooms to meet a much younger gentleman for sex on a fairly infrequent basis whilst prawling the internet for dates. She told me of 3 men she had sexual encounters with ( all of which I had found emails from, and a fourth she had sent pictures too, she said she didnt even know who he was had never met and he'd " just asked for them". This made me feel insecure, that the person Ide been with for 2 months, was not the person I now knew, and that any trust I had started to develop was shattered. However her apparent honesty at this time and her reasoning that she didnt want to put me off, we continued the relationship. Every day she signed into her account, and she asked how she could improve our trust. I said if she had nothing to hide, and really wasnt talking to other men, that the password for her account would make me feel more secure. It wasnt so I could check up on her, I had no intentions of, more that if she never had anything to hide, then the password would not bother her, as there would be nothing there for me to find anyway. She said coyly that it was embarressing and childish...it was " I luv sean" This was the young man she had met for sex over the past 10 months and the last time apparently only 2 weeks before she had met me. She was still " friends" with this man even though she had never had a proper relationship with him, and they only ever met for adrink and sex. I didnt feel happy with this particular friendship, as from the original emails, he was interspursed between possibly overlapping previous encounters. She emailed him over a book she had had pictures published in and that seemed ok. They just appeared friendly. She also conversed with other artists whom I had no problem with at all, just previous intimate partners from shortly before meeting me made me feel insecure as especially this particular one where it was just friends meeting, drinking then having sex was not what I had exppected and as he lived much much closer to her and met at all times in a hotel, I found quite daunting. We continued with no further mention of these, we got engaged, and then during a chat 2 months after this, ( 4 months into the relationship) she let slip another partner, that shed Forgotten to tell me about. She also mentioned that shed never been happier, and had as a result stopped taking her antidepressantswhich shed been prescribed long term. I used to work with adults requiring long termtreatment and did suggest she went back on them, but she didnt at the time say it was long term, shed left her partner and her daughter had wished to remain with her dad, shed returned to living with her father, so antidepressants didnt seem as issue and may have been for a short term.over time our relationship is getiing more unhappy.i now cannot trust her at all even though everythingshe did was before she met me and since then she has given me no reason to mistrust her still whenever she returns home to visit her family i imagine she is seeing other men .she promises me she isnt and admits that after finishing with her previous parner(a relationship of 17 years)she did behave badly by having some casual relationships,but this was totaly out of character for her and was just something she had to get out of her system and she is now very in love with me and only wants to be with me.because of my insecurity i have behaved quite badly towards her on occasions,often when we row i call her a lying whore and i do get very angry towards her i know i have an anger management problem but its only because i get so worried that she will leave me ,which she has done a couple of times ,but i always persuade her to come back. i have also threatened to show her daughter the naked pics i have of her(my fiance)to make her return home to me.i feel like her family think im a horrible person ,because they just see me getting angry at her ,but they dont understand why as she hasnt told them all the facts.am i doing something wrong or will we never have a trusting relationship and should i just let her go?
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engaged, fiance, her past, insecure, nude pictures, period, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2007): There is a lot going on here. This woman sounds like a mess to me, she is divorced, has an adult daughter that would rather live with her dad (perhaps because he is more stable and loving than her mother) is not taking her anti depressants, which were prescribed for her, and is meeting strange men off the internet, sending naked pictures, meeting for sex, but yet she holds to the notion that this is not in her character, but something she had to get out of her system. Rubbish! This is HER past. One law of human nature is that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, people always tell us who they are if we will only listen.
You have loads of reasons not to trust her, you have loads of reasons not to even love her or let her into your life. I was shocked as I was reading your story that you actually got engaged to her after everything you found out about her....and you are now trying to control her behavior through threats! You have turned into something or someone you are not all for a woman who is really not worthy of you, she is a messed up woman grasping for anyone who will have her!
My only hope for you, is that you will break this relationship off tomorrow, and seek some therapy for yourself, you have a lot of issues to work through, as you say you have anger management issues, and I would bet there is some reason that you choose women whom you need to fix and control....you would benefit greatly from getting to the bottom of this so that going forward you can recognize when you are doing something that is self destructive and make better choices when chosing a life partner.
A
female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (10 March 2007):
 This girl has one hell of a past and thats exactly what it is the past. She seems pretty screwed up and is making your life miserable. You have become jealous and angry with her which isnt healthy. Will you ever be able to trust her? I doubt it. Making threats to show the pictures to her daughter is very low and you should take that idea right out of your head. You cant make someone stay with you they should want to be with you for themselves. I really think you need to let her go and i think that you should try and meet someone else. She has too much baggage. I think you should also address your anger issues and get them sorted.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedKid +, writes (10 March 2007):
You seem to want to hold on to her, even though you know deep down it's bringing you down. She could be the reason you are insecure, or she's just bringing it out in you. In my opinion you need to cut the ties. It doesn't sound like it's going to get any better. You can't trust her, nor should you. She's let you down too much. End it now, if you have to, change your e-mail address and phone number.
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