A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 21 year old girl I have been married for only a year, my husband and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. Throughout our relationship we have had several issues with him flirting with other girls, chatting online inappropriately, hiding email accounts, etc. A couple of months into our marriage I discovered he had a profile on a website looking for sex, it turns out he registered for it 3 weeks before our wedding, while we were getting marriage counseling! And he continued to regularly log onto it until about 4 months after we got married, when I found out.Anyway, ever since then things have not been the greatest.. I installed a keylogger program because I could not trust him, but I TOLD him that I would be checking up to see what he's doing on there so he knows about it. Still, he continued to do all of the things that we talked about and he knew I didn't want him doing. We stopped having sex because I was so emotionally hurt after all of the things that I'd been finding, and I told him he has to regain my trust in order for us to be intimate again.Throughout our short year long marriage I have discovered emails between him and a couple of female friends, discussing emotions, marital problems, and other things that are inappropriate. When asked he always lies about them and says I'm blowing things out of proportion. Fast forward to about 3 months ago when a new girl started working at our place of employment. (Yes we both work at the same store where DH is a retail manager but I am currently on a leave). I quickly noticed that he and his best friend, who also works there, talked about this girl a lot so I became curious about her. I then noticed that he added her on myspace and facebook and emailed her a couple of times, just about work related things at first (even though they work in completely different departments and none of the work-talk was actually necessary or important). Then I saw her number in his phonebook, and I started noticing over the past couple of months that they would text frequently about random things, still usually mentioning "work" but it didn't seem to make sense. Within the past week, I have noticed her number dialed on his cell phone 4 times late at night, and a couple of times right when he's getting out of class or off of work. He told me that he likes to scroll down his address book in his phone when he's bored, and sometimes his hand accidentally hits peoples' names, which dials then he quickly hangs up. Even though most of the calls to her appeared to be unanswered, I still didn't believe what he said.. after all, her number was the ONLY one on there that this would happen with.This morning he got up at about 5am and went in to the living room, I woke up for a second when I heard him but then fell back asleep. When he was in the shower at around 11am, I checked his phone because I was suspicious, and saw a text from her at 8am saying "I'm sorry I dosed off and didn't get to reply, and I hope I'm not waking you back up too early.. but how come your night was so bad last night sweetie? Talk to you soon!" Last night, the two of us went out to eat and to watch some local bands play, it was nice getting away from our toddler and I thought our "date" was nice. So I'm wondering what this text is about! Sorry this is so long, I just like to give background info in case that might help people to see things from a different perspective. In any case, does it look like he may be starting to have an emotional affair? I know we have had many other problems to deal with but this is the one I am worried about at the moment. What can I do to prevent things from escalating? I don't want to seem crazy and say they can't talk, as there's nothing concrete, but I just have a gut feeling that something might be starting between the two of them. Am I overreacting or is this cause for concern?Thanks to anyone who was willing to read all of this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): hi there just to let you know your not alone, with this one .i been with my man 4 ,5 years married for 3 and i have been to hell and back,he is a big flirt and loves his self and i do think if only he loved me as much things woild be perfect,but thats only in the fairy tails as we all know but still beleve that one day we will have a happy ending, if only.... the way i see it is if your hubby or partner wants to flert or tex thats fine even do porn what ever but the way i see it is why lye ,it dont make sense and trust me i have got one like that ,so please be stronger than me and get out off it ,if he loved you why sneek and lye to you ,come on what has happend to all the good men out there.there must be mr write for all us good girls or should i say soft harted ladys ,i am still going threw it after one year and it,s no better just hurts more each day,and he turns everything round on me ,i no now i dont want to play his games no more and i need to move on so should you .. hope you dont leve it as long as me love take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. Yes we had some trust issues during our relationship while we were dating but I thought we had sorted through them before the time we got engaged, and from then until we got married things felt completely different. He seemed to have really grown up, we went through 4 months of premarital counseling and fully discussed, there and at home, how we felt about different aspects of marriage and made sure we were on the same page.
It all went completely out the window after getting married. I took my vows seriously and meant them wholeheartedly but after only a year I am feeling miserable. As a Christian, I went into this thinking divorce is not an option. But, as one of you said, he does not respect me and now acts as if it's completely okay to do what he wants even if I don't agree with it. The constant hiding things, lying, treating me like I'm a complete idiot, and then acting as if somehow this is all my fault, I just can't help but wonder WHY? Why did he even marry me?
To the person asking why I installed the keylogger, it was immediately after finding that online dating/sex profile inappropriate emails on a hidden account. Of COURSE I had no trust after that and I told him straight out that I wanted and needed to know everything he was doing after that.
Anyway, I know we have issues and I know we need counseling. But is it even worth it at this point? I don't even know if I want him to start *trying* to be nicer to me just because someone says he has to. If he really cared at all wouldn't he already? Either way, I didn't really get an answer to my original question so if anyone has anything to say regarding that situation, I'd appreciate it. Am I overreacting to his contact with this girl just based on my jealousy and lack of trust in him right now? Or does it sound like a legitimate concern?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): The fact that you installed a key logger shows that you have no trust at all. That alone shows your marriage is a farce. Both of you lack maturity. Get joint counselling now, or end the marriage.
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A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (19 January 2008):
 You never should have got married in the first place. Sounds like a time bomb, you know he's going to cheat you just got to find out when.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 January 2008):
 Having a gut feeling means he has given your reason to suspect the possibility of this taking place. A marriage is a true commitment between two people. It's about compromise, making the other person feel secure and loved within the boundaries of the marriage. If you're feeling uncomfortable about him keeping these conversations with other women, the proper thing to do would be to end the conversations. He's married, this is not a game of, you do what I want, and I do what I want.
I think you may have had some trust issues entering into the marriage. With those trust issues, you should not have gone through with it. Someone who lacks trust before saying "I do" is not going to change just because their now married. If I were you, ask questions. It's OK to confirm what is or is not happening in your marriage. It's Ok to ask "what's going on?" "Why do you feel you need to have these contacts?" Let him know that you are just not feeling as if he's being truthful, and your not feeling as if he's respecting you or the bond of your marriage. Demand respect. Demand to treated better than he has been treating you. At times there will be issues that come up, they need dealt with and worked through, but eliminating unneaded problems is a must. Those are the problems that by our own actions could be avoided.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): I dont think youre crazy at all and I actually have a problem with my boyfriend which is very similar to this. so I can definately relate. I know he's not cheating but in my eyes the emotional thing seems worse than if he was!! He's very close to one of his female friends and its really starting to get to me. They txt everyday and are very close. I no he's not going to stop being close with this girl and sometimes he tells her things when we fall out. Ive told him that I have a problem with him telling her things that are going on with us but maybe you need to confront ur husband if its really bothering you. Maybe ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same. You have to let him know this is bothering you or it could get worse!
Goodluck! :)
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