A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My ex has decided to leave the state we are in for a distant one taking our son with her. Our son is 11 years old. She has decided to leave b/c her mother is ill, and she would like to be by her side. She has all of her family away, and has just broken the news that she is leaving ASAP to be with her family. We have developed a nice routine and the city we now live in is the only home our son has known. I do not want to take this to court, as I am trying to avoid drama for our son's sake. Now, I am leaving behind a solid job, my home, friends, and a girlfriend whom I love, to be with my son. I currently live in a metropolitan city and will be moving to a small town. Trying to find work etc. I don't know if I'm doing the wrong thing by throwing many valuable things away to be with my son. I don't even know if that is the right lesson to teach him. My ex has not even consulted with me, and I question how good this move is going to be for our son. She has made her decision, and it is not up for discussion with her. I am in shock. And I don't know what to do. I broke up with my girlfriend in order to spare her the pain and drama of being in the midst of a mess while I make decisions. I know she is heartbroken, as am I, but I didn't see any other way around that. I rushed into that decision. Our relationship was wonderful and moving in a wonderful direction, but I do not see how we could make it work. I hate what I am putting her through. I feel so helpless. Apparently I am willing to give up everything that means everything to me to be with my son. Am I crazy?? Do I have other options that would be healthy for my son? Help! And was I right to let my girlfriend go even before I have left ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Your ex wife has also posted here for advice.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/am-i-selfish-because-i-want-to-move.html
How about you two talk to each other or see a family counselor instead of just separately seeking advice from strangers? I understand each of you has unique and personal issues to consider- yours being sacrificing a career that may never be able to recover, and hers being guilt. But both of you don't seem to be talking to each other about what to do.
I suggest you first don't change your life's course irreversibly. Stay where you are, let your ex take your son out of state, arrange for extended visits and daily phone calls and just TRY this arfangement and see how it goes. See how he does. If he does fine then all is well. If he doesn't THEN you can uproot and move there too or he can come back and live with you full time.
I am just saying, why not you stay put first rather than everyone uprooting their life completely all at the same time? Who knows maybe your son would find more stability in being able to return to the familiar surroundings here when visiting you every now and then. Or you can plan to fly out every other month for a weekend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): I think it sounds like you're not very emotionally stable so I think you might want to talk to a counselor to help you calm down and think clearly rather than running around like a chicken with its head cut off.
When you're in a state of high anxiety is not the best time to be making major decisions. Instead you seem to have behaved very rashly: immediately going cold in your girlfriend which may have destroyed the relarionship with her (it tends to break people's trust in you) rather than simply talking with her about what's going on. And then straight away assuming there is only one path forward which is you must give up everything else you value in life. Surely here are other options? This move for your ex and son night not even be permanent. Or maybe you want to try living ina different state from your son first and say having him for summer and winter break. And them after a year see if you truly cannot bear to be that much apart from him (you can still call or skype him every day you know) that "giving up the rest of your life " becomes a much clearer solution that you do feel more confident about it. Or who knows you and your son may do just fine spending summers and winters and spring break together. I have family members who have that arrangement with their kids because the ex lives in another state.
Basically I think you need to slow down and calm down and think rationally before you make major life altering decisions. Especially if your career is so limited in opportunities or is a one way street (once you leave you can never go back).
Unfortunately it may be to late to salvage anything with your girlfriend even if you wanted to since you probably broke her trust on you by behaving so coldly and flakily. But you can either try anyway or just learn from this and not do it in your next relarionship.
So to answer your questions : yes of course you have other options for your son. You can also talk to a family counselor for ideas. I am sure your campus gives free counseling to staff. And no, you did not do the right thing as far as your girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): You are a coward for the way you treated your gf. You just cut and run without any explanation?? How could you presume to know that it is best for her just to not know why you suddenly broke up? That's callous.
Why didn't you at least talk this through with her and ask her what she wants to do? Or if you were sure you wanted to break up and not do the long distance thong at least have the decency to explain to her. Instead you messed with her emotions. You made decisions for your partner rather than giving her information and coming to a mutual decision together.
Do you treat other people this way too? At work if you decided to withdraw from a grant proposal do you at least inform your co-PI's or do you simply go silent and stop returning their calls leaving them high and dry and missing the deadline? If you changed your mind about giving a midterm do you bother to inform your students or simply not show up? If you're scheduled to give a keynote talk at a conference but get nervous do you simply not show up? If you treated your colleagues and students the way you treated your gf you wouldn't get very far in your career. They say the test of a person's character is how they behave not when things are going swimmingly well but when times are hard.
I was in academia for many years (left the tenure track to start a high tech company). I can say you are derailing in your academic career but that's not a value judment just a fact. It could be the best decision you ever made or the worst depending on where your priorities and goals for your life lie. I commend you for putting your son ahead of your career. I cannot say if it is the right decision because it is different for different people. Would you say that soldiers serving the county abroad made the wrong decision to pursue that career that necessarily separates them from their kids for long stretches of time? Apparently they did not put their kids ahead of their jobs so is that wrong? Would you say that ER nurses and doctors made the wrong decision to pursue their career that makes them unable to see their children for days at a time due to their work schedules? Clearly, it is not black and white that you are a bad father if you are not in your children's presence all the time.
If you give up "everything ", I don't think that's mentally healthy because you define it as "everything ". If giving up your current job and gf didn't feel like it was giving up your entire world then sure I would say that's the right decision. But when you give up "everything " for your kids you may later grow to resent them or your ex because you become deeply upset about missed opportunities and not answering your life's calling (which for many people is their vocation) .
Then again if you are the more free spirited spontaneous type then not having a plan is part of the adventure of life. It just depends on what type of personality you are.
In the end it depends on how you feel emotionally about this life change. It could be something you never regret because the joy of being near your son outweighs everything else. Or you could come to regret it. Kids grow up and leave you then you are left with... "everything else" that you did or did not give up in your life.
But aside from your son...
I don't mean to be rude but I really am appalled at how you treat your girlfriend . I think if I were her I would not trust you again even if you did come back to explain yourself and your unpredictable erratic behavior.
I think you need to work on your interpersonal skills.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): I am in academia. A Ph.D., and my options are very limited. I am currently an associate professor and doing well. Not too many big or small universities in the area where my son will be living. And my field of research will be virtually impossible to pursue when I relocate. I do love my girlfriend. And cut her off thinking I was going to be putting her through more pain in the long run if I leave. I feel awful b/c one day we were great, then I get this news, and I dropped it on her and ran. It hurts too much to see or talk to her. I know I have hurt her a great deal. Too many decisions for me to have to face at once.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): You're certainly NOTcrazy! It's normal and even admirable to want to be in your son's life on the physical plane.Kids need their dad! I was a child of divorce so I know what I'm talking about! Would it be possible to take a leave of absence from your work? A temporary one? Have you tried explaining the situation to your boss? I hate to say it but it's difficult to find work in a small town, but your field is a factor. What field are you in? YOu made the RIGHT decision to put your son first, but you do love your girlfriend! Maybe she could relocate? Or you could try a long distance relationship? If you love each other, tell her! Try to make it work.You did the right thing to put your son first.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 I think you are making the right decision, it's something you will regret if you don't do it.
I know it sounds crazy but have you thought of asking your girlfriend to go with you?...It may be nice to give her the option instead of cutting her out completely.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2013):
 It makes me happy to see a Dad who is willing to go the extra distance to stay in his son's life physically.
I don't blame your ex-wife for wanting to be closer to family when her mom is sick. I wish I could have done the same when my mom because ill, it just wasn't feasible with my husband's job.
Look into jobs ahead of time. Maybe even talk to your ex-wife about the area/job market.
I don't know of any other options really for you to still be a Dad. For me just paying child support in not being a dad, but a partial provider. I think kids NEED their moms AND dads - even when they aren't together.
Was it right to end it with your GF first? Yes.
Good luck. And I hope some time in the future your son will realize what you did for him and grow up to be a great dad himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): My dad did that for me, and I really appreciated it and I love him for it. If you are close to your son, it will mean the world to him, especially when his older.
I say go for it (but only if you understand that it will be hard at first to move, find work, make new friends, etc.) In the end, you have to do whatever makes you feel happy and fulfilled.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): "Apparently I am willing to give up everything that means everything to me to be with my son. Am I crazy??"No, you're a devoted father doing what is best for your son's emotional well-being and long-term best interests."Do I have other options that would be healthy for my son?"Not under your current circumstances."And was I right to let my girlfriend go even before I have left ?"It was the right thing to do for all concerned. Any childless person who becomes involved with a single parent has to be aware that the kid always comes first. Girlfriends come and go, children are forever.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 September 2013):
 I have had the privilege of living with my son and being involved in his life away from home from the time he was your sons age until now. You are making the right decision. I would not give away the past 4 years for all the girlfriends and jobs in the world.
11 years old is the age a boy can join the Boy Scouts. It is the beginning of the years when he forms the patterns that will make him the man he is becoming. Not only should you be close physically, you should be involved in his life, whatever it is that he does you need to be there.
As to emotional thinking, I think you subconsciously know this is important. I'm a small town kind of guy, so naturally I think small towns are the best place for boys. The best advice I can give you about small towns is that When you kick someone in the butt, you just kicked half the town. Some small towns are welcoming, some are more cliquish. Just be friendly and open, get involved.
As for the girlfriend, if it is to be she will find a way to make it work. Remember women are more attached it is going to take longer for her to decide and to make big change moves. She will have to decide if she is as highly motivated as you are.
I watch a lot of dads interact with their sons, I think you are doing the right thing.
FA
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Not crazy. You followed your heart. I applaud you for taking that risk. Good things will come back to you. Children always come first. There are kids who do okay with one parent living in another state but this is not something I can do with my son. What's done is done. The only thing you can do is move forward and look at the bright side. As for making money just take anything for now. I am sure your son will appreciate you when he's more mature. You were right to let your girlfriend go. If you stayed where you were then your girlfriend would be having a half time boyfriend and that's not fair to her.
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