A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am I crazy for feeling guilty?My husband and I are separated. Many things led up to the separation including verbal and emotional abuse, lack of trust, lack of communication, and a lot of resentment. At the very end however, I told my husband that if he moved out, we were 100% done forever and he moved out.Lately, he has become obsessed about whether or not I'm dating somebody (I'm not) and pleading to get together again. I have agonized over this decision (mostly because we have a young child together) but ultimately have decided it's better we don't reconcile after LOTS of deep thought. I feel like too many bad things have happened and I can't trust him.I don't want our child seeing our marriage as an example. I would be horrified if he treated his future spouse the way I was treated.Anyway, I finally told him point blank that I don't want to reconcile and I don't think it's a good idea to get back together...and I feel guilty.
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emotionally abusive, get back together, moved out Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 January 2013):
 if you don't want to reconcile and don't want to make it work then don't.
And you have NOTHING to feel guilty for.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 January 2013):
 For you the marriage is over...for your ex husband, he still sees a chance to reconcile and that is because he is contolling, had not addressed his own abusive behaviour and still thinks he is entitled to an opinion over your life.
He will use your child as an excuse to keep a hand in your life and to a certain extent he is entitled to that (but not your private life), but you must find a way to keep things very compartmentalized and not discuss anything with him that is about you alone.
You should not be feeling guilt, but it's natural to feel unsettled because divorce is a big deal and has a huge emotional impact, so getting good legal advice and keeping things peripheral will help you cope with the process.
If your ex hassles you or gets verbally or physically abusive, you need to get help from the court to create boundaries and file a police report so everything is on record (he will soon get the message that he cannot bully you). It's up to your ex to deal with his own issues and seek his own help (not your responsibility).
If you stay strong, do what you have to he will eventually know that reconcilliation is NOT going to happen and hopefully he will move on.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 January 2013):
 Don't feel guilty for doing what you believe in your heart is best for you and your child. Of course its best when a child can grow up in a home with 2 parents, but not when the parents are fighting and there is much turmoil and stress. Its much better that the child grow up with 2 loving parents that are happy apart.
My sister and I grew up in a household where my parents constantly fought...they fought almost every single weekend with many times my mother storming out, constantly asking my sister and I to "chose sides" when my mother would threaten to leave my dad. It was like a war zone my whole childhood. Sometimes my mom would go away for days and we didn't know where she was. Eventually she would come back saying that "she couldn't divorce my dad because of us two kids". It was horrific. My sister and I used to pray that my parents would divorce just so that we would have peace. My mom would always say "when you get older I'll leave your father". Side note: I'm now 50 and my parents are still married, still fighting and I think they really hate one another. It really scarred both my sister and myself. I think we would have had a much more peaceful childhood if my mother had just carried through with her threats.
If you know in your heart that the marriage is over and can't work..then just end it. Your child will adjust and will be much happier than living in a house where 2 parents are constantly fighting.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 January 2013):
I'm sure the guilt mostly has to do with doing the right thing for your child, but as you said, it's not right to allow your child to see a dysfunctional marriage. The longer you stayed with him the more likely your child would be "corrupted" and act like his father when he gets older. Trust me, I have to stop myself from being the asshole my dad was.
Instead of feeling guilty you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. Many women don't because they feel stuck or because they can't handle being alone.
I'd recommend telling him that you're not going to talk about your love life in the future, that the only conversations you're willing to have with him will be about your son. There's no reason to allow him to continue having any amount of control over you.
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