A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’d love to help my husband with his family problems, but I fear that I may be projecting my own fears and resentments. Putting out a fire with gasoline.I feel so angry whenever these problems arise. I’m trying to see what my deeper issues are, because, even though it would be easier, I doubt that the problems my husband’s been having with his family could be the sole reason.I grew up with a single mother who had severed all ties with my biological father and rightly so. Apart from having serious problems (PTSD to name one), he had never tried to contact me, let alone expressed the wish to see me or partake in any responsibilities. So, this is the (inherited) principle I have when dealing with negative relationships beyond repair. Off course, the definition of these relationships is up for debate. Where is that fine line of no return? As a young adult I had a misfortune to be in a position to refuse a service to a family member which resulted in me being ostracized. (I didn’t want to leave school and come and work for him for free)This doesn’t mean that I have a low tolerance threshold. Maybe, my putting-up with things until led into a corner made me so touchy when others are mistreated?Anyway, my husband’s family has been treating him with less respect than he deserves, to put it mildly. Being a child of divorced parents (most notably a father who doesn’t care at all about him) who had never bothered to make him a part of their own families, keeps him in a “no man’s land”. They (father, uncles, aunt…) don’t make him feel as if he belongs to a family. His birthdays are systematically forgotten. (his father even decided to marry for the third time a day before his birtday) . His uncle gave the same name to his own son (and they are only a couple of years apart), saying he had named him after his friend’s son (who is alive and well btw). He’s not invited to family gatherings (not out of malice, they just never bother to remember him). However, whenever they need his help, they know his number by heart.My husband has already had a few important conversations about this issue with some of the family members with no results, though, some of them were honest enough not to pretend that they didn’t know what he talked about.I won’t bore you with more details, even though I feel I could write a Russian novel.My problem is that even though even he thinks that it would be for the best, at least for the time being, he cannot cut them off. And that’s exactly what I would have done. I’m not saying I’m right, though. I hate that feeling of injustice and powerlessness. The anger gets worse because I refrain myself from talking to him about it until he tackles the subject. Has anybody had a similar experience?Is it possible that I have so much repressed resentment form my own father that I keep projecting it to my husband’s situation? When I say repressed, I mean really deep, deep, because I’ve never consciously felt hurt by my father’s behavior. I never knew I missed him, because I never knew he was supposed to be there in the first place. To make things even more complicated, the family I have (even though not large in number and not necessarily blood related) really sticks together. This doesn't mean that we don’t fight; we just handle conflicts better. And they have accepted (adopted more likely) my husband and now he knows what it is like to be respected and feels even worse for how he’s been treated by his own over the years.What to do….
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): I truly understand what is behind your thinking. Some families are salvageable; as you know from your own experience. There are others that just function in a weird way; but no one really understands but the people involved.
Let him maintain his connections in his own way. Standby him; because there will be times they'll cut deep into his feelings, and he won't be able to cope with it.
That's when you reassure him, and you'll have to fill in that hollow place that his family can't. You are a good strong woman, and should be proud of the progress you've made. He knows you've got his back.
Unfortunately; even when there is someone making the effort to reconcile issues from the past; results will vary. His folks are diehards, and just can't accept the pain they've cause.
They just want to forget it. They know some of the things they did were criminal acts; and if they admit it, they would look like criminals and abusers to the world. They will never own up to what they did to him; but it's deep in their conscience and they can't run away from it.
There is a karma that matches every sinner to his/her deeds.
What we sow, we reap. They're lives are unhappy; because people who cause pain, live in pain. They do things that will only come back to poison their own lives. That's why they end up crawling on their hands and knees to ask for his help. Imagine how hard that must be.
All they can do is deny the past and make trouble for him; because he holds them accountable for everything they do, and have done. They hate being exposed. You both know why.
They are shamed by the truth.
Good luck to you and your husband. Just keep yourselves and the family you've made together close. Pray for the rest of them. They surely need it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much, dear WiseOwlE. I hope that I’m going through certain phases before finally moving on. One of the problems for me is to see my husband’s family as a unit, the convict you mention that won’t accept responsibility even before the gallows. I keep thinking that just because they are mentally capable of understanding the situation and the concept o morality, they need to do so.Despite the fact that everything I did in my life and the brave face I project points to the opposite, I’m afraid of loneliness. I guess that I’d like to solve the problems so that my husband could have a family and have the feeling of belonging… and that I to could partake in their happiness. I hope that I’m ready to deal with that fear, because I know from the experience (loss of people I loved from an early age on) that it’s one of the life’s unavoidable problems. I’ll get out of this circle, but it’s a process and takes time. Thank you all so much for your support!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): OP. thanks for your feedback.It is very sad when people witness abuse/bullying and sit back and do nothing, and as you say, even make excuses by saying that the abuser/bully is damaged and does not know how to love, so therefore is not really responsible for their actions. In the broader sense we could ask,do we show the same type of sympathy for the Dictators of the world , and say 'let's forget it and turn a blind eye' because they don't know how to love. It's about time that people who don't know how to love,LEARN! We need to be standing up and speaking up and not accepting anything less than love, rejecting all the badness and the ignorance. I don't actually think you are seeking revenge, I think it is 'a shield of protection'you hold for your partner because you SEE ahead and see no change,therefore a status quo of suffering. Obviously as his partner you will be directly effected by how 'his' family make 'him' feel, so you do have a right to be involved, I have lived with a partner who was emotionally crushed nearly every time he had contact with some member of his family, I had to bring him back to a good balance by making light of things but pointing out that things were 'not always' his fault (FAMILY SCAPEGOAT)he carried so many guilts that were transfered from other family members who could not / would not take personal responsibility. So you are not interfering in any way, you are in his corner giving him strength when others take it, weighing him down emotional and spiritual. It is right, you cannot change 'others' no matter how many therapists you see or offer them, but you do know you can change how YOU FEEL and your positive thoughts can influence your partner. I am not one for sitting on the fence or turning a blind eye to 'wrongs' or laying down like a doormat for people to wipe there feet all over again and again and neither are you. My survival comes from many many pains, and to SURVIVE one has to know how to get back up again,this takes strength to carry our 'own' responsibilities and wisdom not to carry 'others' responsibilities, shadows.It is 'seeing' the which-way the lion is coming from in the den, because you have stood there yourself and all you want to do is offer your 'sheild' of protection not the sword.Detach from other people's garbage and don't accept abuse, walk away (yes) and tell them what responsibility you are willing to take with you, leave the rest for those to work out, maybe never, but who gives a xxxx anyway.Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): There will always be family drama. You simply don't have to play into it. People will throw you bait, does that mean you have to take it?
You live day to day with liars around you. Lies are just lies. They are words that bear no truth; so they have no weight. Does that mean you spend your life wanting to get back at dozens of people for words that mean nothing? The truth surfaces no matter how hard you try to bury it.
You know the truth, so let it heal you without demanding their apologies. They may die before that ever happens.
Then what?
If they cause you financial loss, call a lawyer and sue them. If they cause you physical harm, call the police. Get the heck out of their way, and you won't get hit with stones. His family is different from yours, so they like drama. Fighting seems to be how they communicate. You're an outsider who can't figure them out. Your interfering causes the bickering to turn into war. They'd otherwise get out their demons, and return to their perspective corners.
You can not go back in time and undo all the wrongs done, and you can't get restitution when you're guilty of the same misdeeds. You're engaged in battle, and also inflicting pain. Your feuding is a futile attempt to turn back time.
You feel you're enabling people if you just leave them alone and let them say what they want. Well, you can't stop people from talking, and a liar already knows that he's lying.
Call it a lie, then call it a day; and go about your life.
All the therapy in the world can't make people good. It can only heal a sick mind that WANTS TO BE HEALED.
A therapist can sit with you all day, but can't tell you how to make people stop lying about you. All the therapist can offer is suggestions on how to live without letting pain paralyze you. That effort comes from you. People hold on to things and just won't let go.
It isn't because they can't, it's because they don't want to.
They want to find a way to punish those who hurt them, and they want to turn back time before the pain began.
Therapists can't do that. That's where your therapy seems ineffective. You don't live in the present, although you claim you and your family worked things out. Perhaps you get along, but your resentment is alive and well.
When you both learn to forgive and move on, all this drama will not be so much of a part of your lives.
It's there, because "you" hold it there. You're trying to change and punish people; because it brings back all your own pain. All your own frustrations you've buried; but never really healed from.
You explain the same problem, in a different way each time. But the words translate the same. VENGEANCE.
You want to punish your husband's family for hurting him. You want him to give up on them, forget they exist, and dislike them as you do.
You want him to isolate himself from them; and never turn back. If he won't do that, then you force him to fight with them. That only keeps the wounds open. God forbid he should bury the hatchet. Then he has just let them get away with it all.
They may never change. So you have to change yourselves.
Forgive, forget, and move on. The lies only cause pain; because you give their words power. You battle to no end; because you're trying to change bad people. They think you're nuts; because you can't just live and let live.
They have to change themselves. Most of the pain your husband suffers comes from "you" holding a grudge. You provoke the negative feelings he's trying to get past.
You make him feel that if he doesn't do something about it, he's giving in to them. You instigate trouble in a passive-aggressive way. Nudging him to confront his family members, the end result is just more pain.
When you decide to leave them alone and move on, forgive the pass, and concentrate on healing; watch all this crap dissipate. Let him handle it his way. Even it it's ineffective. His healing comes from trying.
They aren't going to confess anything. People go to the gas chamber denying a crime. Even with solid evidence that proves they did it. So just focus on getting on with your lives, and let them be consumed by their own evil.
Help when they ask for it; or just say no. Don't barter for a surrender. They're steadfast, and you'll never get one.
The confessions will come on their deathbeds; when they fear all their sins will follow them into hell. You'll feel no better for it. I promise you.
Back off, and live your lives in peace. You're wasting precious time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anonymous reader,
Thank you for taking the time to read and offer your point of you. I must say that we think alike. I often ask myself about the part we play in a relationship that victimizes us. When and where do we draw the line? Also, I can't but wonder if those bullies are bullies because people keep letting them act that way.
There wasn't a single family member who voiced his disagreement, let alone acted in accordance with it when my father-in-law used to neglect his son or even beat him. Nobody objected, what's more some of them even participated in his attempts to take money from us by backing his lies. His actions are tolerated.
Whenever they want to justify his behavior, as well as their own weaknesses, they say that he's damaged and that he doesn’t know how to love. He's excused there's nothing to forgive him for. That's when I understood that they do not tell the difference between love and responsibility. Unthinkable as it may be, a parent is not obliged to love his child, but he must be aware (or be made aware) of his duty towards him. Not being able to love in general or one child in particular does not relive a parent from his duties.
I'm not talking about revenge here, just protecting oneself from further damage. Turning the other cheek attitude may be generous, but it also gives us an excuse not to find a more constructive approach that would be better for everyone, not necessarily nicer though.
I’ve been seeing a shrink for over a year now and I had been encouraging my husband to do the same. An interesting thing happened, when my husband declared to his family that he had sought professional help in order to deal with his problems in a constructive manner. I must admit that some of them stopped pressuring him the way they used to, because know they know that some of the things he says are in a way a “specialist’s opinion” and cannot label it as stupid.
My husband has offered his father to find a family therapist and finance the whole thing. Needless to say, he refused and gave neither a reason for it nor an alternative.
I wonder sometimes if we shouldn’t distance ourselves and imagine that it’s not about us, but about our children. Would we allow our family to treat them the way they treat us? Or would we protect them or encourage them to step up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear WieseOwlE,Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. I’m so sorry to hear about all the terrible hardships you mentioned, but I was deeply touched by what you wrote about the goodness and patience. It helped me understand better not only the situation, but my own feelings as well.Anyway, for me being responsible is the most important thing even if it means financially supporting the parents of your spouse, including the father who was never there for him. Being nice to them is also a part of that deal. However, the only thing I need and my husband says he needs as well is for them to stop lying at least when we’re around. We’re even OK to live in the neutral, “don’t ask, don’t tell” zone, but the moment they want us to agree on and partake in their lies, we have a problem. It doesn’t matter if they’re lying about the past to make themselves look good (I’m not talking about funny family anecdotes, I’m talking about “I didn’t beat you until I broke your arm” lies) or present to take something from you (plane ticket money was spent on night out on the town and lawyer money on God knows what). It hurts just as much. They won’t change, I know. And I don’t have the right to ask that. But, I do have the right to expect that they treat me exactly how I treat them, with respect. Helping them yes, but enabling them is another thing entirely. I noticed something interesting, however. Since I never pretended to be something that I’m not, they tend to drop their masks as well, not for long, but they do. In those moments, no matter how awful were the things that they were saying, I felt closer to them more than ever. I even think that in a way they were relieved to be able to express themselves out loud and not be judged. I just hate pretense. Maybe because I grew up in a loving, but elaborate “don’t tell, don’t ask” situation, that protected me from having to wrestle with a huge problem that my biological father had been.Standby and wait is something I'll try to do from now on, even when my husband would like me to take the wheel. As I said in the previous post. This is his dance and he should be the one to lead.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): I think sometimes, another's point of view that is clear and unbiased can open our eyes to what or how things should,could be but also the ones who have experienced and recovered from painful experiences and know the keys to stop the hurt.I witness really bad attitudes from my partners family, similar events to what you talk about, and I have kept out of it, but there comes a point where 'somebody has to say something' because that person thinks just because it's 'family' they have a right to say and do what they want to them and it's accepted.I have encouraged my partner to 'stop' these sxxx attitudes . Forgivness is always a great thing to do, but what if the wrong doer thinks they don't need any forgiving, do we become a doormat and turn the other cheek 7 x a day every day, this is just not a healthy thing to do, for the person who is suffering constantly 'because' of family, and the wrong doer can not learn how to correct. Would we advise an abused spouse to just accept the other spouse's emotional abuse/ neglect if we knew how it hurt them? I would advise them to leave, stay away and remove themself from the enviroment, not to settle for less, why because it's 'FAMILY' should we accept emotional painor stand by and watch?Encourage him to TAKE CARE of himself and your relationship and gently guide him away from hurt, until he learns 'for himself' he can guide himself away from family hurts they have no special licence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear WieseOwlE,Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply. I’m so sorry to hear about all the terrible hardships you mentioned, but I was deeply touched by what you wrote about the goodness and patience. It helped me understand better not only the situation, but my own feelings as well.Anyway, for me being responsible is the most important thing even if it means financially supporting the parents of your spouse, including the father who was never there for him. Being nice to them is also a part of that deal. However, the only thing I need and my husband says he needs as well is for them to stop lying at least when we’re around. We’re even OK to live in the neutral, “don’t ask, don’t tell” zone, but the moment they want us to agree on and partake in their lies, we have a problem. It doesn’t matter if they’re lying about the past to make themselves look good (I’m not talking about funny family anecdotes, I’m talking about “I didn’t beat you until I broke your arm” lies) or present to take something from you (plane ticket money was spent on night out on the town and lawyer money on God knows what). It hurts just as much. They won’t change, I know. And I don’t have the right to ask that. But, I do have the right to expect that they treat me exactly how I treat them, with respect. Helping them yes, but enabling them is another thing entirely. I noticed something interesting, however. Since I never pretended to be something that I’m not, they tend to drop their masks as well, not for long, but they do. In those moments, no matter how awful were the things that they were saying, I felt closer to them more than ever. I even think that in a way they were relieved to be able to express themselves out loud and not be judged. I just hate pretense. Maybe because I grew up in a loving, but elaborate “don’t tell, don’t ask” situation, that protected me from having to wrestle with a huge problem that my biological father had been.Standby and wait is something I'll try to do from now on, even when my husband would like me to take the wheel. As I said in the previous post. This is his dance and he should be the one to lead.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Families are different, feelings are different; experiences are different; therefore, they function differently amongst their own clan. You didn't grow up in your husband's family and don't know all their family secrets.
It is okay to advise someone on issues we hold in common; however, in dysfunctional situations, you do your husband a disservice to advise him to use your negative approach towards his family. It's one thing to console him, it's another to instigate vengeful behavior towards his family.
They may be selfish and insensitive; but if they need his help, it's his business to decide which situations merit his involvement. You look through the eyes of resentment and anger, and would suggest something that would only encourage estrangement. It is always better to treat others as we wish to be treated. Each night you rest your head, it's your conscience that you sleep with.
He has a kind and forgiving nature. You could learn from him. Unfortunately, we do not choose our relatives.
My father's parents died within only three years of each other. He was only four when his mother died. He had three sisters and three brothers. The eldest sister raised my father until he was only 17, and kicked him out; to get married and start her own family. She lived in the house inherited from their parents. None of the others took him in, so he lived with a kind neighbor. Finished high school, and worked his way through college. He learned different trades and was able to support himself. He became quite successful.
His family resented my Native American mother. They were cold to her. Yet she cared for them, when his sisters were old and sick. She cooked and cleaned for them. Even changed their filthy sheets when they messed themselves. They gossiped, and treated her spitefully for as long as I can remember.
They left us out of many family functions over many years. Yet, Dad pitched in to help pay for weddings, funerals, and was the first on the scene when there was an illness; or death among his siblings. As a child, it pissed me off. I was angry. I wanted him to ignore them; but he said you don't abandon your family when they need you. No matter what. So I don't.
I may be among the fortunate to have a good family and know what that love truly is. However; I have witnessed anything and everything horrible that can happen through friends or family connections. From physical fights to divorce, abuse to incest. My family also took in my youngest brother's best friend when his parents divorced. His mother became alcoholic and despondent. He was only ten at the time.
He grew up among us like a brother. He is now 36, and there isn't anything happening in our family that he's not there.
He's not a blood-relation, it's hard to feel he isn't.
I've actually seen families heal, and come together in spite of conflict, or what seemed to be irreconcilable feuds.
It is a matter of love and forgiveness. You can't always change people with words. You can talk to them and plant a seed for thought. They will know how you feel, and it may register with them at some point in time. Maybe never.
You can avoid the truth and resist it with all your might, but it still penetrates, no matter how much you fight it. Sometimes it takes a near-death experience, for some idiots to realize how important it is to forgive and to resolve conflicts within a family. They live life in regret and guilt over things they could have fixed before someone dies.
Sometimes it takes tragedy to bring families to their senses.
In a perfect world, families would all be happy and love each other. In a real world; love is often buried under jealousy, resentment, and pain. People who live as you described your in-laws, are those fools I speak of. They don't forget his number; because they love him deep down. Yes they use him, but they also know he is there for them in spite of their foolishness. His act of generosity and kindness, in spite of how he's treated, leaves a bridge to cross; whenever they're ready. He may be hurt, but he's not hateful. This quality within him, enriches your marriage more than you may realize.
It doesn't easily workout like you see on TV, everybody gives the emotional and gut-wrenching speech that turns everyone around, and you live happily ever-after. Sometimes it does. If they care, and they're listening.
In reality, it takes years and a lot of effort to repair family pain. No one wants to admit that they're wrong or stupid. They are ashamed of their acts of cruelty and detachment. Too proud to take ownership of being a shithead.
Someone has to yield, and be proactive in setting things right. You can't force people to love you. So you forgive them anyway. That way, you can move forward, and you don't live in anger and resentment. Which can flow over and poison future relationships. Be it your own, or the family of someone dear to you.
You should follow his example, and learn to forgive those you can't change. Anger and resentment last only as long as you keep them alive. Don't use your husband's family to keep the fire burning. Your bitterness doesn't reflect well on you, regardless of the reasons. Carrying a grudge makes you no better than the people you condemn. You didn't wear a crown of thorns and you didn't die on a cross. You're here to talk about it. It's the past.
Keep your demons to yourself, and just standby when your husband needs someone to remind him how much he is loved in spite of how he's treated by his own flesh and blood.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear AuntyEm, thank you for your answer. I really need that other perspective, since I'm caught too deep into my husband's problems. I was thinking of finding a finer line between offering him support and dealing with his family on his behalf and on his request. I really don't want to answer his mobile any more, while he's "washing the car"/"down in the basement"/"sleeping" (3 top lies I've been know to tell from time to time) and be nice and laugh to their jokes and say "but off course" when they need something.I guess it would be easier to leave him until his ready, if it meant leaving me to cheer from the sidelines.Thanx again. This made me realize that there is something I can do for both of us after all.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Yes you are burdening your husband with your own fears and resentment, whether you have issue to or not.
It seems neither of you come from a 'complete' or 'ideal' family dynamic but lets be honest, not many people do these days, what with divorce and casual sexual encounters, the traditional shape of the family is changed beyond recognition.
It seems your family has pulled itself together and formed a tight unit which is fantastic and now your husband is part of that group, he probably draws a lot of strength from it, but cutting his family off completely??
It's a well know fact that in any situation of discord or conflict that keeping channels of communication open is very important. Why should he burn his bridges?...to apease you?
You have to show some trust in the fact that your husband knows his own thoughts and actions and he is doing what is right for him. If his family are ignoring him or cutting him out...maybe they are just that kind of family and any grand statement by him probably won't change a thing.
Try to focus on the positives, that your own family is close and has accepted him, that you can be by his side when things get tough to support him in HIS decisions, not by making him feel caught between a rock and a hard place because he won't (or can't) do as you say.
He will deal with things in his own time in his own way. You may not be privvy to all his reasons and decisions because maybe he hasn't even figured them out for himself yet.
Be thankful for what you have and hold on to it with love, care and respect.
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