A
female
age
41-50,
*alona
writes:I'm a separated mom of 3 girls. In early May of this year, my childhood friend started coming around me and my kids. At first it was just casual visits and then he started making advances which I was totally against. I made it clear to him that we were both married and it was very wrong for us to become intimate. Besides I valued our friendship and a relationship would only mess it up. He then one day invited me for dinner and told me a whole lot. He explained that he has been in love with me since he knew me as a teenager and that he has never stopped loving me. I ask him why didn't he tell me all that time? And he explained that because of the difference in our social status he could not bring himself to say it to me. He felt that I would have rejected him. I do remember us as kids, he was always hanging with my brother, always watching out for me when my brother wasn't around and so on. But I never had the slightest thought that he had this crush on me. He went on to explain that he wanted to build up his social status and earn enough money so that he could tell me he love me and expect that he would not be rejected. After high school he traveled, which I do remember. but that was the last I heard or saw him. I got married. My life was happy from the beginning. He explained to me that while he was away studying, he never forgot me. He got my email address, was always online with me but with a different name. He heard that I got married but that still did not make him stop loving me. In fact, he started loving me more. He said when he came back, he found out where I stayed with my husband and kids and he moved in the same area so that he could be close to me. By then I had my second daughter. I never saw him in the area or knew that he was few blocks away from my house. I had my third daughter and my marriage was terrible. After three years of struggling to keep my marriage it finally crashed and we separated (not divorced). I left the country for a while to overcome what had happened and he explained that it was at this point that he thought he had lost me for good. Out of frustration and family pressure, he got married to a girl he started dating and they have a baby now. I came back home and this is the part where he starts making advances and telling me this story. He comes to my house after work, talks to the kids, plays with my little daughter and ALWAYS tells me he loves me. He's bringing me little gifts, and the kids too. He made my sister to know that he's in love with me. I started falling in love with him too. We became intimate and he is a very nice person. At first I felt that it was infatuation and that the feeling will go away after sex, but now I have to remind him to go home, I have to constantly remind him that he has a wife and kid. The only reply would be "I love you". We have been seeing each other for couple of months now and there is never a day that he would not call or text to remind me that he loves me. But I get this very terrible feeling sometimes and I feel really guilty. I don't want to be the cause that he is hurting his wife or ruining his marriage. I told him some days ago that it was better if we stop seeing each other and the man was devastated, to my surprise he came to my house and fell on his knees, begging me. I don't know what to do, I really don't want to hurt his feelings. is there any other way to go about this?
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (5 September 2013):
 Hi, I am with SVC, tell him to make a decision and either leave you or divorce the wife. It is unfair to the wife that he is married to her but in love with another woman. That marriage will never work but he needs to have the courage to make a decision and not have his cake and eat it.
You also need to get a divorce so you can start with a clean slate. If you love him and he loves you enough to leave the wife, go for it. I don't believe people should stay married just because they took vows, its better to divorce than continue an affair at least then the other person is given an opportunity to meet the person that can love them and be faithful
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 He is the one cheating on his wife and what is worse is that he married her whilst being "in love" with someone else!
You're not setting a fabulous example to your girls seeing a married man regardless of the circumstances.
However, I think you really need to have a good look at this guy.
He has basically stalked you for years, moved into your area and watched you from afar. Followed your marital situation and made a move when he felt he could but not before he married another woman "out of desperation" AND had a child with her!
You may see this as romantic, personally I think it's creepy and would be very cautious about getting involved with a man who is coming across as a bit emotionally unstable. I would also think long and hard about making him a part of my daughter's lives too.
Despite this if you still want to be with him then you need to insist that you will not see him unless he treats his wife with some respect and does the right thing and leaves her ( a bit late considering the horse has bolted!)
Otherwise tell him firmly that this relationship is not what you want and finish it. After years of wanting you he won't take it easily or well but you would have to stand firm.
Good Luck AB x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 Yep there is a way to see him.
he needs to leave his wife.... then you two can be together.
NOTHING less will work.
do not worry about his feelings... worry about yours and your children.
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