A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK well i have been married for two years in october and total time together will be 3yrs. My husband is a solider and we got married before he went to iraq. After seven month when he got a 2 week break everything was fine and loving but he used my cp and i saw a message that said "girl when i was over there the other day i wanted to give it to you right there" So i confronted him about it and he eventually apologized and i let it go. The following week he went back to iraq. A couple of months passed and i had a weird feeling so i checked his email account, where i found out he was sending random women messages telling them how sexy they were and can they chat on a messager. This time i didn't say anything until he came back from iraq because i didn't want him stressed while over there. Once i confronted him he begged me not to leave but i left for 4 days and decided to forgive him and make it work. We recently relocated to a new state in June. Once again i had a weird feeling and i checked his email. I saw a message with a pic of him with no shirt on that said "Look at my sexy body" then i saw a message which was a text from his phone. He tells the girl when i was at the club u didn't give me ur last name. she writes back with the answer and her nick name. Then he writes and tell her hes getting off of work soon what is she doing tonight. Then he writes that hes about to ride to a nearby city and if she is busy tonight cause " I wanna know if we gonna do that tonight" This was on Aug 13th 09 while i was out of town. I confronted him and he said she is just a friend of a friend and its nothing. I told him the whole conversation was inappropriate especially after i told how i felt about it in the past. He says im blowing it out of proportion. Am I blowing it out of proportion? I really want to get a divorce because i feel like its going to be a never ending pattern. Someone please help me cause i don't have any energy for tears anymore. Im so depressed about this. Is it time to call it quits?
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (21 September 2009):
 *hugs* I wish you the best. I know it will be tough for a while but you're going to be okay. Please keep us updated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Thank you all so much for answering and being honest. I did know the answer deep in my heart. The thought of leaving hurts so bad that it is making me feel sick.I know that once i leave after a while i will be ok and eventually become happy again.
I feel stupid for letting this happen for the third time and i have been trying to figure out what i did wrong. I asked him what did i do wrong and he told me nothing.
This last confortation about the Sexy body pic and stuff was on friday and today is monday. We haven't said more than ten words to each other and have been sleeping in separate rooms. I feel even worse because i believe his silence is a sign that he has no remorse so it confirms to me that if i forgave him he would do it again.
I also feel sad because he looks so depressed. I want to hug him and say its going to be ok but i know its not ok. I still love him but i refuse to let him hurt me again.
I hope i will go back to being the happy single woman i was before i met him. and since we moved because of his military service i don't have any friends or family here which makes everything worse. So i have to drive 14hrs just to get to my Best friend's house in GA and i know once i leave i am never coming back. I would fly but that would require coming back to get my car and i don't want to come back. So for now im still here but i have made up my mind.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (20 September 2009):
 Oh Im so sorry this happened to you.
See a lawyer and get your financial affairs in order(start saving what money you can)
Get checked for STD's...If he's at the club...he may have brought something home to you from the club
And last but most important...RUN FROM THIS GUY!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2009): Even though the other aunt's have said it all, I wanted to jump in and say 'hugs', this is very hard on you and I am sorry you are hurting so badly.
I too have been through this and stuck it out for 5 years, through tears, fears and empty promises. When I would leave, he would be a bleeding heart who wanted no one but me, but as soon as he felt comfortable with me being in his life again, it would be back to square one.
My ex even went so far as to go to sex anonymous meetings to prove he was serious about changing...but that didn't last either.
I have been single almost a year now and has taken everything in me to get past this and heal. I have had plenty of men ask me out, but this kind of treatment really f**cks with your head and I will not date until I feel I have recovered and can trust and love completely...like I did when I met him.
If his actions and his words are contradictory, always ignore the words and look at the actions, they tell the truth!
Please get yourself some counseling, this does damage your self-esteem, and know this, there is NOTHING wrong with you, he will continue to act this way even if Ms. December married him tomorrow. It is not something he can just 'quit' doing. He needs this constant affirmation and will not feel well without it.
Take care of and love yourself, if you feel like doing something for him, do something for yourself instead. I wish you joy and happiness.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (20 September 2009):
 He's cheating on you. Clearly he should not be married right now. He still has too many wild oats to sow, as the saying goes. File for divorce and move on.
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree +, writes (20 September 2009):
Wow I don't think you are blowing it out of proportion the fact is he's flirting online and he is newly married with wife waiting for him. I think you should tell him that if he wants to keep his relationship alive he needs to focus on the both of you and not on instant gratification from strangers. See what he does ...but it does look like a pattern to me. I've had married men chase me just from seeing my FB picture and for years - they lie too. Once I was starting to get attached to a man until his wife contacted me saying I was one of many internet gf he had. I told her I was sorry he had made up a completely new identity and talked to me as someone else for over a year UGH . He contacted me later and really wanted to meet said he had been stupid and was separated and 'in love' its a dangerous thing the internet for relationships people begin to have emotions for the people they speak to even if they didn't intend to initially. Maybe if he knows you are serious he will stop but for some it seems to be an addiction.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (20 September 2009):
Trust your gut. It's telling you this guy is a loser and a cheat. Honest men don't feel the need to hit on other women in clubs, send dirty texts to women who are not you, and send pictures of their half naked selves around. You're not blowing it out of proportion; in fact he's trying to minimize what is honestly a HUGE issue.
I'm really sorry that you're in this situation, and I suggest that you talk to a lawyer and get more information.
Good luck with everything.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (20 September 2009):
 I think you know the answer to this one. It is a hard reality to face, but this guy is cheating something fierce. I see this guy lying to you and telling you what you want to hear, but the reality is that his patterns speak for themselves.
Are you blowing this out of proportion??? God no. He is trying to manipulate you. Cheaters use these sorts of lines..You're crazy. You're paranoid. That's not what it is... etc. etc.
What do you think "I wanna know if we gonna do that tonight..." means? I mean just the picture with the sexy bod line would be enough for me. Combined with his past behaviour, it is really quite simple to see the truth.
Deep in your heart you want to believe him, because of all the pain that is inherent in facing the cold truth. Denial is a very hard thing to overcome because our psyche wants to protect itself from harm. Its a classic defense mechanism.
You need to break the denial and see things for how they are and that is your husband cheats on you. It is a recurring pattern that he will probably not change anytime soon.
So you have to ask yourself do you want to subject yourself to more of this bullshit, or do you want to find something that you find comfort and trust in?
It is easy for me to say these things, but you are the one that has to take the action. The first step is always the hardest to make.
Good Luck
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