| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Am I being unreasonable in that my husband is from a different country and I help him out financially. I plan to go back to his country shortly teaching English and we are due to meet in Turkey beforehand to have a holiday.He wants us to be in turkey before EID which is at the end of next week.The cost of the flights have almost doubled in price which I would be paying for us both and the holiday and new clothes etc, and other items I am bringing with me, he does not have a penny to his name.I have asked him to wait until after EID and spend it with his family, as the cost of flights will come down but he has basically thrown a tantrum and said if he is not there for EID he will tear up his passport etc and he's not going on holiday or anything just because he says he has told his family and friends he is going there for EID and will now look an idiot. I had to pay a big fine for him to get that passport as he lost his last one. He doesn't seem one bit concerned that I have worked hard to get the money for everything and have been supporting him financially for along time. He's trying to say what's the problem in me paying extra ticket money but believe me he is the most stingiest person I ever met if he's using his own money, and he has none right now anyway.Am I in the wrong?I have been ignoring his calls now as I don't want any headache from him.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 August 2017):
 Good Lord, OP...
Is this really how you want to live your life? With a husband who whines and demands and TAKES all your money?
Do you WANT to live in his home country? Are you muslim? Have you even been on a visit there to see what it's like? Do you already have a job there (as an English teacher) or is that just the "pipe dream"? Do you know what the salary would be? Can that support the family AND you and your husband?
It sounds to me like you married a USELESS guy and instead of realizing just what a MESS this marriage is (for you) you are going through with all the fantasy pipe dreams you two made up. Like moving there... but FIRST blowing your savings on a vacation?
IF you don't HAVE a job lined up and WAITING for you, WHY are you blowing your saved up money on a vacation? What if you go there and ABSOLUTELY hate it there? With no money, you CAN'T go home. You might... find a consulate to help you, but how would you GET to it?
None of your post makes COMMON sense.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 August 2017):
 You are being unreasonable in leaving your job to go teach English in a foreign, Muslim country, burdened with the responsibility of supporting an unemployed, destitute , demanding , ungrateful husband ! But- that was not your questiin, OK- so , about this part: best wishes and good luck ( you'll need them ).
As for the EID trip situation, if I understood correctly, now your husband is in another country ( not Turkey ) with his family, and want to meet up with you in Turkey for an Eid vacation.
1) ) Remind him that, for a Muslim, Eid is about reconnecting with family and friends ( like our Xmas ), not about going sightseeing just for fun. He SHOULD spend Eid with his family .
2) No. Just say no. He has no job, no savings, - and this has been going on for a while. He could not even pay his own passport fine ! Beggars can't be choosers. Who holds the purse strings, ultimately holds the decisional power.
( And that's why we encourage our female posters to mantain / conquer financial independence even if they marry someone who can provide largely for them. You can be married to the most generous, giving , loving person in the world; but if at some point there's a disagreement about money ,.. who's got the money wins) Blame it on the capitalistic system- but that's how it goes. Who pays, CHOOSES. Of course it can, and should be , a benign
" dictatorship ", and one should not abuse of their own financial clout to disregard the unpecunious partner's wants and needs- when and if it's possible. But if you thought about it and saw his was a bad idea, let him sulk , let him throw tantrums, let him destroy his passport- just do not let him have it his way. Perhaps that's the push he needs to stop mooching off you: the realization that obviously he can't do all he wants with YOUR money... so he'd better get an income too.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (24 August 2017):
 You have received sound advice from all the Aunts. Now it is up to you. Are you going to get a grip on your life before it all slips away, or are you going to keep doing as you are told?
I say enough is enough!
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (24 August 2017):
Just imagine what will your husband be doing if you were not in his life working for him.
Would he be like... working?
Would he be married to another woman... that works for him?
Those are important questions you should make to yourself.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017 +, writes (23 August 2017):
Hello OP.
How long have you been supporting your husband?
What's his trade?
Why isn't he working at all?
Why doesn't he have a penny to his name?
When you said TANTRUM, that is a BIG HUGE RED FLAG on a guy. You are adults now, over 30. Tantrums should be a thing of the past by now.
This guy has no regard on your hard effort to earn money.
He is also blackmailing you to break his passport in order to punish you for not making whatever he pleases.
HE SOUNDS LIKE A CHILD TO ME. IT SEEMS YOU MARRIED A CHILD.
I'm not saying I'm the most mature person in the world or anything, but his conduct is WAY OFF.
Not going into generalizations or cliches or that things, any self respecting straight man will do everything under his power to get a job to provide, at least something, to his household.
Yes, there is a bad economy out there, and there are some stay at home dads out there, BUT, DO YOU GUYS EVEN HAVE CHILDREN? If not, then he is playing the role of the CHILD in the relationship.
If a straight and child less guy is not working for several years, it's because YOU are allowing it to happen, and because he wants a free pass in life.
I don't know what's the name in English for that kind of guys, but in Spanish we have a word for it, it's called "Vividor". Search the meaning in the Urban Dictionary.
My advice to you:
- Go to therapy. You allowing him to manipulate you, make tantrums, blackmail you, it's a sign that you aren't emotionally ok.
- Learn to set healthy limits. NO is NO. If you can't afford something, don't purchase it. Don't let anyone blackmail you into doing something you don't want to.
- Break those pink glasses you have on eyes, and see him as he really is, and don't allow him to get away with whatever he wants. In normal adult relationships, people reach to agreements, negotiate, and make compromises in everything. It seems that your husband is controlling the relationship entirely.
If not of the above works:
- Consider having a divorce. Really. This guy sounds very manipulative to me, and it's not OK for him to get a free pass on life. If he has two hands and two legs to work, he SHOULD WORK. It doesn't matter if it's in the puppy rescue center, whatever he does, a job is a job.
In any relationship, the party that puts the least effort in the relationship is the one that controls it. In your case, you are the most interested party, and he is the one putting the least effort.
In a normal healthy relationship, everybody puts their hard effort to move the relationship forward, so that both can have a better future.
If you don't see him wanting to build a better future with you by carrying his weight, it's because he is enjoying now the fruits of the status quo.
Best luck!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (23 August 2017):
 Wow, there are a lot of red flags waving here.
I agree totally with Denizen, take away the fact he is your husband, would you tolerate this attitude and behaviour from anyone else?
Just out of interest, how and where did you meet this man? What was he like before you got married?
Did he have a British passport before you got married? Or was that a benefit he got from marrying you?
Culturally, if you are white british and he is turkish you come from very different places in regards to how people live, the role of women, and who wears the trousers in a relationship.
Currently, you are supporting a freeloader, who appears to put nothing into the relationship and is now acting like a spoilt brat. That is NOT an equal partnership.
Living in the UK, you get to be an equal part of society. Women have the same rights as everyone else, and YOU have the choice to do what you want, earn what you want and pay for what you want. Part of that choice is deciding if you want to fund your husbands lifestyle.
Be careful - if you do go to Turkey, are you prepared to be treated as women are over there - you will not have the same place in society or the household that you do here. You will not be his equal.
All the fuss over being in Turkey before Eid, makes me wonder if he is quite religious? Have you converted to his religion?
Are you moving out to his country permanently?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 August 2017):
 So let me get this straight ... you work hard to support this free loader, making sure he has new clothes for his holiday and can look pretty for his family ... and when you raise the idea that maybe it would be more prudent financially to change the dates of your travel he throws a hissy fit and threatens to destroy his passport .... again.
Meh!
You tell him you cannot afford to meet him in Turkey prior to EID and if he wants to insist on the original plan he needs to put his hand in HIS pocket.
If the tantrum throwing spoilt brat carries through with threat to destroy his passport let him .... when the time comes for it to be replaced guess what! He can come up with the cash, its not your responsibility.
Quite frankly in your shoes I wouldn't be travelling ANYWHERE outside my home country until he grows up and starts taking care of himself, and I can't for the life of me understand why you are even considering it.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (23 August 2017):
I do think he is acting like petulant child threatening to destroy his passport if he can't get his way. Perhaps you should think twice about going back to his country.
Things may be very different for you there and you may not enjoy the rights and independence you have presently. Once you are there you might find it hard to extricate yourself.
As a compromise let me suggest that he goes back to celebrate with his family and you either stay where you are or holiday elsewhere.
He is acting this way because in his country his word would be law in the household. You would be subject to his rule. It isn't just about the money once you relocate. Are you happy about that?
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A
male
reader, 87hunter  +, writes (23 August 2017):
Salaam,
Personally I think he is being unreasonable.
I work as a Financial Adviser and often see people who waste what they have worked hard for on unreasonable family requests.
What is the reason the two of you are living in separate lands?
I agree with you on only traveling after EID, especially if the costs are double. The fact he has thrown a tantrum shows he is immature and materialistic. He does not consider you in this relationship.
If you don't make a stand now you will be walked over for the rest of your life.
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but he needs to find some sort of income or you will be a cash cow to him.
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