A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My relationship is a jumbled mess, and I don't know if I should stand by any longer or make a break for it. We both treated each other badly for a long time, but to be fair, neither of us had standards back when this all started.10 years ago, when I was in high school I started dating a boy I knew had anger and depression issues and smoked (which is disgusting). Besides that, he and I come from very different ideological backgrounds. Not only was I head over heels, I was dealing with my own issues of an alcoholic household and low self-esteem. He had girlfriends before, I had not had a boyfriend, and we were each other's first sexual partner and serious relationship. He asked me to marry him when I was 16 and I said yes.We stuck by each other, both too stubborn to break up during bad times and grew up together forming the ability to communicate more effectively and understand each other's needs (or so it seems sometimes). We still have obvious scars from our past unkindnesses, mainly we promised each other a bunch of things we don't plan to live up to, and I am guilty of showing him that I was okay with constantly being accused of cheating (turns out he was cheating), we tried a lot of stuff in bed he loved and I'm not okay with but I said I was, and whenever he was distant I thought I just needed to bring more to the table. We both really did the opposite of any standard relationship advice.It just passed our decade anniversary, and I am not married. We had agreed college was more important, but we are 3 years out now. I gave him the ring back a year ago and asked him to give it back when he was actually ready. We have lived together for seven years supporting each other through college, health issues and loss etc. I nearly hit my breaking point with him earlier this year because he had been out of a job for a year and i was supporting us on my 2 crappy jobs while he refused to get a job that was "beneath him." I was working 60 hours a week, paying for everything and doing much of the housework, and was justifiably pissed (he quickly became a bit more generous though he justified that he was too depressed to do anything). However, he just got a job that pays more than I probably will ever make and I'm nervous that the eggs I put in this basket may still not hatch correctly. I love this man and he can be very supportive, sweet and good in bed, but he has a really ugly side: a side that talks about women who have gotten fat (when he has gained 70lbs) with no interest of staying healthy, a side that doesn't apologize even if he yelled at me or said something hurtful, a side that is stingy with affection and gratitude, a side that is bad with money because he is a collector who would rather have things, and the side who bought me items for his collection two Christmases in a row. (The second time I told him that he was just like Homer Simpson gifting me a bowling ball with his name on it.)Whenever I rhink that I cannot deal with the add up of all these things anymore, I talk myself down because when I'm away from him for long I pine for him, like I am missing a piece of myself. We have our own forms of communication, our circle of friends, our private jokes, we can be entirely in sync... or he can be distant, tell me all my suggestions for things to do are stupid, threaten sex acts he knows I don't like, even act as if I'm a failure for choosing career options that are notorious for having lower salaries while I was struggling but supporting us both. On the one hand, he is totally my partner in crime, and on the other I declare him a monster. I'm pissed at this moment because he yelled at me and said if I hadn't been sitting around eating everything away from him he might be more affectionate (for the last time I didn't eat his sandwich and I'm not fat) and doesn't see why I might want an apology. I'm still sitting in anguish on the fence because I see a possible return coming (especially financially and in the wedding/owning a house dept.), but I don't want to marry a man who doesn't even understand when he's being hurtful. Thoughts?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2017): I didnt really want to answer this just because no one really wants to hear bad news but your story had rung a chord in my head and I may as well give you the bad news straight up!This boyfriend of yours thinks he is entitled to speak to you anyway he wants and the bad news is that he is very unlikely to change.Pressuring you into sex you dont like is part of the same syndrome!Its all about his sense of entitlement.What he really wants is someone who gets off on all that and one day he will probably drop you for someone who he feels can give him this because they want it.Worse still you are probably a kind of stepping stone for him.Try reading up on sociopaths and see if you recognise any of his traits.Your loyalty is his stepping stone to a better life.The good news is that you are young enough to meet someone who actually knows how to care about your feelings.Someone who would hate to hurt your feelings.Someone who is excited because you are you!If you find this painful to accept because you cant believe you are good enough to meet a respectful kind of guy then feel free to ignore me.But consider the outcome of putting children in the mix where your fella feels entitled to be as obnoxious as he deems necessary and you will see that marriage does not change a person, but strengthens their sense of entitlement!Little kids who love their mums hate to see her constantly hurt and belittled.It hurts their young souls!And they get caught up in the need for secrecy to maintain the family dignity and good name!They learn that mistrust and violent arguements are normal and eventually assume that this must be what love is!So good job or money or your loyalty is irrelevant.But the ultimate good news is that you can set yourself free before he trashes your life further and save your unborn children from a life of confused misery and guarded secrecy of the shame that their home life brings.You could try to value harmony and peacefulness ahead of achievement and monetary gain!As unfashionable as this is in the eyes of this kind of guy, little kids love kindness and niceness and parents who respect each others feelings.So your future would be happier if you called it quits and dropped your sense of loyalty to someone who refuses to behave kindly and respectfully to you because they dont believe that is what a guy should do.You would need to feel motivated to want a guy who values you for more than what he can get out of you!And you probably believe that no such guy exists which is why I didnt want to tell you this!You have a niggling doubt at the moment and a sense of uncertainty and part of you believes that it is better to stick with the devil you know but one day you will turn and look at him with clear eyes and the shame of his behaviour to you will hit you so that you recognise the truth and your current acceptance of all of his faults will fall like a wall of glass at your feet.But if you feel this too unpalatable then go ahead and marry him and give him two years to see if you can both get to a better point and if he fails then take him to the cleaners on the divorce because you will have the help of a solicitor who will list his bad behaviours and manners and get a little more money from him.In fact you dont have to make a decision at all, you could try it and see and remember you can divorce as easily as get married these days!And see if he pressures you on the honeymoon or if he becomes a changed man!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): Hi
I answered you earlier and I would like to add that on no account get counseling with this man. Firstly he does not want a happy and harmonious relationship with you. He wants you subservient and he wants to be in control. The trouble with counsellors in an abusive situation is that they have all been trained that any problems in a relationship are 50/50. With abuse this is simply not true but the counselor will not see it that way and will hold you partly accountable for his nasty behaviour. This then gives him the opportunity to make you feel worse about yourself with the counsellor as an unwitting accomplice. He will think all his birthdays have come at once. I had a friend who did just this with her manipulative and nasty husband and this is exactly what she found to be the case.
In the book I recommended, he addresses this subject and explains it better. Even if you go on your own to counselling you will be treated as if you are partly to blame as I found out when I went for help.
The only counsellors that will be able to help you are ones affiliated with refuge or the freedom programme in your area. They are trained about abuse and will understand what you have been through and will realise that this isn't some lover's tiff, where you need to sit and talk but a serious situation. There is absolutely no point in trying to talk to him about anything. He knows what he's doing and is doing it willingly.
He will not change, he doesn't want to change because abuse gets him when he wants and he doesn't care about what you want.
Again the book will blow you away because you'll suddenly understand what's happening.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (23 August 2017):
GO TO COUPLES THERAPY IF YOU WANT TO SAVE THE RELATIONSHIP.
But if you want to really leave him because you can't stand his hurtful words, go ahead.
I think it's very crappy for him to have you work 60 hours a week to support both of you because those other jobs were "beneath him". This is a BIG RED FLAG. What would happen if he ever gets old, and don't want to get a job because those jobs are beneath him? Could you risk your future with a guy that thinks that way?
A normal guy, with or without depression, moves his *ss to find work to help contribute to his household or partner. It doesn't matter if it's a cashier job or whatever love paying job you may think of, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT WORKING without solid s*it going on your life.
I started working very sh*tty jobs at the beginning of my career, lots of obstacles. I'm not where I wanted to be right now, but I'm light years better than those early years.
A job is the best cure for a depression, because some jobs give purpose and meaning on your life.
With what you mention, your partners seems like a TOXIC person to you, and you have been TOXIC with him too. You both need to learn to forgive and ask for forgiveness.
Also, if your pal has a high paying job, and he has cheated you before, then it's likely that he does not wants to marry job, and would like to have you in the same way you are right now for as long as possible.
You should talk to him seriously about marriage, no excuses, no beating around the bush. Ask him when will he marry you, and if the answer is "someday", I think you should move on.
I have personally said "someday" at the beginning of my relationship with my GF, because as I mentioned before, I was struggling with low paying jobs, and no chances of giving her a better future together. Now I'm a little more confident of being able to provide her a slightly better life than before, so I'm going to make the jump now.
When money is a problem, delaying marriage is OK for some couples. When money is not a problem, then it could mean fear of commitment, or lack of interest in ever marrying you.
Best luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2017): Hi
Just to let you know that he knows exactly what he's doing. He most definitely knows he's being hurtful and what's more he's doing it on purpose.
You have a very abusive partner who has managed to get you addicted to him.
I know because I've been through it too many times myself.
Please read a brilliant book that I will tell you about. It is about all kinds of abuse. It will help you more than I will be able to. It helped me so much because it made me realise that my partner was not my friend, did not want the best for me, only the best for himself. He too was the best man I had ever met. Then he became the worst. Then he mixed it up so I never knew what I was going to get. Sound familiar?
They aren't stupid. On the contrary, they are very clever and believe me he knows exactly what he's putting you through.
Threatening you with sex acts? Oh my God. Do you realise that abuse only gets worse? Please understand that this man is not good news and that leaving him is your only option if you want a happy life.
He could start to really harm you physically and mentally and emotionally. If he hasn't already.
Please read 'Why Does He Do That' by Professor Lundy Bancroft.
I promise you that you will see your boyfriend's behaviour in this book. Abusive men all use tactics and there are many of them. They don't all use them all. Some are emotionally abusive and cruel. Mentally abusive making you wonder if you're going mad because nothing you do is ever right, you always feel as if you are going around in circles and not getting anywhere. They can be physically abusive, using their greater strength to scare you, hurt and intimidate you. Or sexually abusive, coercing you into sexual acts that you don't want to do. Or raping you.
I don't want to scare you but I want you to see what's happening here.
He is NOT your soul mate etc. He has just behaved in a way from time to time that has made you believe that he is.
Would someone who was your friend, your soul mate treat you this way? Buy you presents that are for him? Threaten you?
You know that something ain't right and that's why you've come for help.
Abuse is not uncommon unfortunately and plenty of people experience it without knowing what is happening to them. They only know that something isn't right.
Please read the book (don't let him see it, ever) and then get the hell out of there. The book will help you to see that you will have to do that safely. Read it first.
The last abusive relationship I was in finished four years ago when I finally understood what was happening and just yesterday he called me again. In between girlfriends he still tries to get back with me. Sometimes we are never free from them. I ignore him but he still keeps trying.
Every time a car slows down outside my house I hope and pray that it isn't him and yet I said all the same things about him once that you are saying about your boyfriend now.
Trust me, not him and get out safely.
Read the book and good luck x
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (23 August 2017):
 I would like to bring two things to your attention: "He threatens me with sexual acts I don't like" and "He doesn't understand when he's being hurtful." Honey, these are signs of abuse bordering on sexual assault if these sex acts are forced on you and/or you're coerced into them.
Sit back and think, if you had a daughter and she told you that a man was treating her like this, how would you feel?
You're accustomed to him which is understandable since you have been together for a very long time. But honestly, he is breaking you down. He puts you down, insinuates that you're fat and calls you a "failure." BIG red flag. He seems like a man with very deep issues as well and maybe sees the need to put you down in order to feel better himself and also, convince you that you're so worthless, the best you can get is him. Have you talked to him about this? Explained how hurtful his words are?
I was in a five year relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive and sometimes, sexually. I didn't even realize it. We had such good times together that they seemed to make up for all the rest but in reality, the abuse made me doubtful of myself, made me cling to him and after a while, it felt like I was a ghost going through motions and a servant who walked on eggshells anticipating his moods and blaming myself for his unhappiness. I wasn't really living. And though I kept lying to myself, I was miserable and slowly suffocating. When I finally told him I was leaving and why, he cried and was "in shock" that I felt that way.
You've taken the first step in healing from this by questioning this relationship. Now, the next few steps are going to be harder. Take some time out for yourself. Get a notebook and write two columns. One column: all the wonderful things about him. Second column: all the bad things. Carefully go through these things and please, be honest with yourself. If some part of you feels like he's worth staying with, I strongly suggest counseling for the both of you.
If you leave, get some counseling anyway. No shame in it! It sounds like you've had very tough times and it helps to have a neutral person help you process a lot of the hardships, hurts and losses. Please remember that you are important, your feelings matter and you deserve a happy life as much as anyone. This does NOT make you selfish. You have a lot to offer and he is not the only man in the world. Listen to yourself, your heart knows what's right! You already know the answer.
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