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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I are both 28 years old. He is the love of my life and the best person I have been with. We both always say how Much we love each other and have stated we want a future together. We are both saving at the moment but are thinking of moving in next year after getting finances etc in order. We don't live super close to each other so we basically live together on the weekends with family and sometimes once during the week we get together as well.The only problem are his friends. It's a very needy group. In my opinion they aren't as independent without each other as I think most people are at the age of 28 and above. They call and text every single weekend ---not to just say hi, how are you but to make plans and to go out-bars etc. Going to a bar isn't always my first priority and usually by the time Friday comes after a long week, I just want to relax and not feel guilty because his friends are trying to make plans. My boyfriend and I aren't always together during the week so the weekend is our time to finally relax together and be together. I am always up for hanging out if it is what he really wanted or if I am starting to feel it would be a good thing to be in a group but sometimes I wish they would back off and move on with their lives in some ways. It reminds me of still being 22 years old and relying on friends to be around. My boyfriend puts me first but I know he feels that guilt because they constantly call and sometimes break his chops about the fact we don't want to always go out.They give him crap for not being around as much or if he even says no because he is too tired--they don't understand that things do change a bit as you get older and more responsibility, a relationship, etc etc. One friend must call or text him everyday--the friend is very much into the night life. He stays up all hours, drinks, wants to hook up because he is single. I find it insulting and partially crazy to expect a friend at almost 30 who is in a relationship to be around at his disposal. He calls on a sunday afternoon sometimes not just to talk and see how he is but to go out and it doesn't matter what we might be in the middle of. My friends have gone their own ways for the most part--we talk, we chat, email but I never expect them to be around like they were in the past. Most are trying to better their careers, spend time with husband, have kids etc. I know i am not married yet or have kids but I am not 20 years old. Two days off on the weekened are precious to me and I don't want to wake up hung over each weekend. They make him feel guilty which my boyfriend does. I personally feel after a certain age how can you expect anyone to be available every weekend or every other weekend even. Am I wrong for thinking this? My boyfriend has trouble too it seems. If he doesn't hear from one friend for only a week he will mention it. He also says he doesn't want them to think we aren't social as if we have something to prove to others. If we are watching a movie and just relaxing on a Saturday and a friend randomly calls--it adds pressure like should we go out because I know my boyfriend feels bad telling them no. There is no way there is enough time for everyone every weekend or during the week unless you are burning the candle on both ends. I feel bad for feeling this way but at the same time I have never seen something like this before. His one friend has been calling to go out during the week with a few other people he knows. I don't feel entirely comfortable with a boyfriend going out like this without me as if he is single. His friends are single, wreckless, drink alot, hook up, immature etc. I know this has nothing to with my boyfriend and I know he isn't going to cheat on me but I am still not at ease. At the same time I feel silly feeling this way. Am I being completely unreasonable about all of this? Would anyone else feel the same about the friends calling/texting every weekend to make plans and then us having to feel guilty if we want to do our own thing? I personally feel a couple usually spends more alone time together than constantly in a group and I don't need to prove anything to anyone.Am I being overbearing and also should not worry if he sees them during the week despite their immaturity level??Is there any advice to use? I love my boyfriend very much and I know he loves me more anything or anyone.
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reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (30 September 2013):
 I'm going to propose general rather than specific advice. You will need to sort out what applies to you best. Your relationship is approaching a transition. It is natural for you to evaluate the situation. You want to be reassured before you make a big commitment (like signing a lease together) that you will be happy in the future. First off life doesn't come with guarantees. Secondly He doesn't know how he will be in a new situation, and frankly neither do you. What you do know is that you share love and commitment to each other.
Hopefully my reply will be shorter than your question but there is much to cover. There is always some conflict in young couples over how much time is spent in what areas. Your conflict is typical as the old friends are trying to keep their previous share of his time and you are wanting a reasonable amount of his time. (I'm using the term reasonable amount because that amount will change with living arrangements, job pressure, recreation schedules, and practically everything you can think of.) Now his friends are immature and have not realized that his situation has changed. They are foolishly asking for more than is available. He will break them of that eventually. Many girlfriends foolishly make the mistake of getting time jealousy (I don't think you are suffering from this) where they constantly add up the time they spend with others and compare it with the time spent with them. The worst case is the girl who demands that her boy remove all distractions from his life so he can focus all his time on her. This is shortsighted and foolish and both time jealousy and complete restriction of time can have an unintended consequence. The guy is interesting to you because he has friends and hobbies. In your case it is possible that your interest in him is partly due to his edgy playfulness that he gets from his immature friends. By removing the distractions the girl can create a boring boyfriend, that she will eventually dump. So remember you like him for what he is, not for what you think you can change him to be. So when you get dragged out this weekend when you are tired, remember you like this.
On the other side of the coin. My oldest daughter was the one with the demanding friends. Over-demanding friends can wreck any relationship. They wrecked 2 of my daughters and tried for more. She was unable to settle down until she grew her own 2 feet to stand on. I'm no Psyrink but I think the whole group was co-dependent. Friends are friends, partners are much more than friends. Friends need to be limited to their proper roles. The mates you play football with should expect your time for practices, games, and a party or two a year. The do not need your every weekend. Now friends should meet your new partner, but they should not be allowed to choose a partner for you. You need to think about the limits that make sense to your situation. Then you need to see if your guy thinks your limits are reasonable. Then as the united couple that you should be you will declare to the friends what those limits will be. And you will not negotiate.
Last, most married men live by a rule whether written or just understood. (you may replace married with committed to a long term relationship) The rule is you will never be alone with a member of the opposite sex. And you will never be in a situation that looks like a date. If you have to walk home rather than have your secretary drive you that is what you will do. In fact, one time I called my wife to come out and drive my secretary home, while I drove home separately. Your guy needs to get settled into this idea. This is obviously a bit new to him.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen  +, writes (30 September 2013):
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, in fact my boyfriend acts in the same way and it drives me mad. The problem is, even though I agree with you, your boyfriend and his friends do not. They still like to act in the same way as they always have and no amount of back up you get on here will change that I'm afraid. Believe me, I've posted about my situation a couple of times and I think I've seen you post before too (sorry if I'm wrong). The fact is, he doesn't see anything wrong with the way things are. So unless he's willing to compromise (does he know you feel this way? what did he say about it if so?) then I'm afraid you need to decide whether it's something you can live with for the rest of your life or not.My relationship is actually about to come to an end after 4 years because I can no longer deal with the lack of quality time I get from my boyfriend. Mine is slightly different in that my boyfriend goes out without me for a large chunk of the weekend and leaves very little time for us. But the fact is, I am sick of feeling like spending time with me is his last option after going out and getting drunk and spending time with his mates.Please know that I'm not saying I think your relationship will end too, I'm simply saying that I am no longer happy in mine and no amount of talking to him or looking for advice on here has made any difference because in his mind it's MY problem. I really do hope your boyfriend is more willing to compromise than mine. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 September 2013):
 It's ironic that the Earth keeps circling around the Sun... and THAT gives you your "age." You say that you and this guy are 28. That ONLY means that you and he have been around the Sun that many times....
Meanwhile, there is ANOTHER "age".... that is... a comparison or how one's behaviour stacks up against the behaviour of "others" who have been around the Sun some designated number of times....
In your case... it "sounds" as if your guy's "age" is in keeping with "others" who have only been around the Sun about 12 to 14 times!!!!!
Good luck.....
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