A
female
age
51-59,
*amurai girl
writes:I've been dating a really great guy for several months now. He says he has no issues with me and enjoys spending time together. I do too, but recently at dinner we had a more in depth discussion about something I made very clear from the outset -- my disdain for pot and illegal drugs in general and being w/ someone who did them.This came up because he went out West for his job and was able to visit some friends of his who are married. They are all academics (which explains everything...LOL) and they all did THAT when he visited. They sound like truly lovely people and he wants me to meet them. They invited both of us to stay with them when we travel to their city.After my extremely negative reaction, I calmed down enough to offer what I thought was a compromise - I'll be happy to visit them, stay in a hotel and meet them in a public place, but I don't want to stay in their house. Even if they aren't doing it actively (because he assures me that they would respect my discomfort as a guest in their house w/ this activity) I wouldn't be comfortable.Needless to say he was devastated. The next day, I relented a little because after rehashing (no pun intended) the issue, if they will respect my not wanting to be around it, fine. But, it's still IN the house (potentially) I don't want to be there. I have professional and personal responsibilities I will not jeopardize for anyone. I don't care that it's natural and everybody does it. So is poison ivy but I wouldn't smoke that either if it was illegal. When I was younger, it wasn't a big deal. Now I am a different person. I have already formed these negative feelings towards his friends -- and I feel less enthusiastic about him. I have made my boundaries clear, but I feel like I am compromising my values to accommodate him and I am very resentful.None of these people are potheads. They couldn't hold their positions if they were. And he says he only smokes maybe 3-4x a year. He has reassured me that he would never put me in that situation knowing how I feel and he is very honest with me. I haven't asked him to stop. I just don't want to be around it.I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, samurai girl +, writes (12 February 2009):
samurai girl is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you so much for your reply! The really ironic part is my BF's holier than thou beliefs about other things & he misses the points you brought up about the terrible things that happen to people who process & transport drugs. AND his convoluted logic: "when I have kids - NO POT!" So, what's the difference now?
I am with you & that doesn't make us uptight or judgmental. It makes us smart law-abiding citizens.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Wow I'm interested in your post as the very same scenario came up for me recently and my boyfriend and I had a heated discussion about it - I'm 36 and he's 32. I'm with you on this as as far as I'm concerned people can do what they like in privacy but should not 'involve' other people in their illegal activity by inviting them around whilst smoking or holding the substance on site. My boyfriend said he did not want to put me in a situation I was uncomfortable with (he knows my strong views and we were invited to a party by someone who was going to be 35 and smoked the weed) and was worried how I would react (i.e. would I make a scene and embarass him) this is what caused the heated discussion as I felt like I was being criticised or punished for being overly judgmental / serious / strict etc. However I hold my ground and stand by it. I know there is the argument that alcohol can be just as harmful but the bottom line is....its not illegal. Cannabis is, in most parts of the world, and so why would anyone want to be associated with it or risk any association. I feel better for standing my ground because for me, its not only the substance its the whole sordid industry and underworld that supports drugs. By turning a blind eye and saying "hey thats ok everyone does it for fun" we are turning a blind eye to a range of crimes that go hand in hand with the chain of supply of drugs and what are we saying to young people? I say good for you. When you start compromising your beliefs you start undermining who you are. Why should you be forced to do that? They are not your friends.
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