A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused_alice
writes:Hi I'm very confused right now. I'm in my 30s looking for something which most people I speak to say will never happen. I've been in a few relationships, with the longest being for 6 years which ended last year. The reason we finished is that I am looking for that magic, special feeling. I can't say that we didn't get on and have our special moments, but for me it wasn't enough. Yesterday, I finished another relationship - this one lasted for 8 months, I'm not sure if I love him, he is unsure about me too. We both came to the conclusion that our hearts want to be together but our heads are not at that point. Please can you help me -Am I being unrealistic when I sit here and hope to meet someone who will whisk me off my feet and I'll experience that magic feeling? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 September 2007):
 How romantic. That's what everyone wants, but rarely happens. I'll tell you why. First you must be whole. You must be complete in knowing your strengths, weaknesses, and you must have internal happiness even if single. The person who find to pair up with must be the same.
I believe those feelings only come if you have two people who are both all ready happy, but choose to share that happiness with each other, instead of expecting the other person to make them happy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): Confused Alice? Alice is Wonderland, by any chance? Hard to say. From what you describe though, I'd say you are to a certain extent unrealistic. Who wouldn't want to live that breathtaking, inspirational, untouchable love[.] But to finish a relationship just because the magic is missing? Define "magic." In "The mirror has two faces" the woman was ironically talking about the song the lovers hear in the movies while kissing each other... Is that song "magic?" It depends on your standards. Do you want somebody to love you and respect you unconditionally or do you want to hear that music? That measureless unheard-of love is very rare, most people are satisfied to just "tend to" it and reach compromises, if too big they can overwhelm in time, that's another risk. Why did you abandon the last relation, you say your hearts wanted it and the heads not, is it that intelectually it was unfit? You say you weren't sure you loved him, but why didn't you continue to find out with certainty. Make sure you're not too selective. That you don't want the ideal, the unrealisable, and also that when you put an end to a relation you act upon concrete reasons and beliefs, rather than something as ambiguous as the word "magic." Also, if the standards are too high they won't welcome anybody, just the world we build in imagination. That apart, it's admirable to have dreams and want to give them a chance.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (9 September 2007):
I am tempted to both agree and disagree with the responses already made. It really depends on how realistic your expectations are of others and what you think will create that magical feeling. That being said, most people think they know what they want, but when they get what they ask for, they are disappointed.
I will suggest that maybe you are looking too hard or focusing on it too much. Perhaps if you let go and let it happen instead of seeking it so actively it might come easier.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): You sound like me!! I agree with the two previous responses - you should not settle for anything less that what you are looking for. You have quite simply not met the right person yet, and you were right to break up from your boyfriend of 8 months if you are still not sure after this length of time. Now look forward to your exciting new future - you will meet someone special but you mustn't rush into a relationship until you are sure they tick all the boxes (I know we all have to compromise, but make sure they tick all the important boxes). You will feel that magic, but remember you have only been involved with two men in seven years, and therefore you haven't been actively looking for a long time. When you next meet someone, take your time, let them spoil you and take you out, whilst finding out whether they are right for you. Don't get yourself in another intense relationship until you are sure of them. You deserve someone great, and to feel that magic, so don't settle for anyone unless you are sure of your feelings. Lucky you - you're going to have lots of fun finding your special someone XX
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (9 September 2007):
 Would you say that you generally go for the same type of guy? If Yes, it might be useful to re-examine your initial attraction.
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A
female
reader, confused_alice +, writes (9 September 2007):
confused_alice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer, I'm pleased to hear that I'm not mad after all and that it's worth hanging on for that special person. I'll keep looking for him as I know one day that I'll meet him and I'll let him know that the reason I kept going is because people like you helped me to believe that someone special would come into my life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): I don't really know. I used to wait for the perfect guy. So I became really picky.
So I dated forever. Years. Always had the upperhand. When I was 23 years old I was so hopeful. I believed in love and that special someone. And all my friends were 26, 27 and they were all jaded. And I never understood why. And now that I am 26 I couldn't be more jaded. Maybe it's the age. By now you have so many failed relationships that you begin to wonder.
Whatever. I guess it doesn't help that I just got "out" of a shitty relationship. And before that I had just gotten out of another shitty relationship. I guess the thing is that most people are jaded. So don't listen to your friends. They don't know what they are talking about. In fact most people's relationships aren't even half as good as they say they are.
And the other thing is that you KNOW what you want. Most people go their entire lives never knowing. Most people are so pathetically inclined to settle for the first thing that comes along. But you don't want to do this. You know what you want and you are not going to settle for less. That's brilliant. That is a gift. So run with it.
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female
reader, Gemini1506 +, writes (9 September 2007):
No you aint being unrealistic theres nothing wrong with wanting that. I say keep looking till you find it
Best of luck :D
x
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female
reader, Jualsy  +, writes (9 September 2007):
 Not everything happens when we want it to. What are you doing to meet the kind of person you are looking for? Don't settle for anything less than what you consioder to be the best....there is someone out there, just look for open doors of opportunity to meet people.....join things, do things........make it happen!!
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